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Joined: Sep 2003
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My W completed an intake interview with a vocational counselor who is willing to provide services as a courtesy (coworker of mine). My W is underemployed IMO. She works PT in the accounting department of a struggling small business. She aspires to something greater but doesn't know what direction to go, and has difficulty with self-initiative and organization. A vocational counselor can provide guidance and accountability. I'll stay out of the way, let her work her way thru this, and provide support as-needed. She deserves to be fairly compensated, valued by her employer, and enjoy the culture and role of her job. Her current job is 2 for 4.

We make enough money to pay the bills with some left over for recreation. We both aspire to have more disposable income, so we can take vacations or pursue other recreational interests without blinking an eye. Money is our primary stressor at this time.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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My W struck up a conversation with a fellow dancer at a performance practice session. The woman is a dog lover, like us. My W found her on a social networking site, struck up a friendship, and has been chatting about dog ownership since. The woman had looked, five years ago, at the litter where my dog is from. She almost chose my dog, but ended up not choosing a puppy from the litter. Our connections continue to deepen and broaden in the dance community. Mine also deepens and broadens at church.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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Posts: 1,778
I've decided to take the lead regarding financial matters. Talking about finances is stressful for her, and she starts acting like she's not making enough money, and what she's doing isn't good enough. I send her an email and tell her what I'm going to do, so it's not a secret. We pay too much for our fitness center. I go twice per week, and she hardly goes. I visited a fitness center closer to home this weekend, without the bells and whistles. The membership fee is half the price. She agreed to switch, as soon as she finishes her remaining training sessions.

I've been wanting to take advantage of the mortgage rates, and shorten the life of our loan. I've been avoiding this, as we have a lot of credit card debt, and assumed we wouldn't be approved. I've noticed the rates have dropped again. I sent her an email, that I'm going to sit down with a loan officer, and start the process, rather than assume the answer is no. I will visit the bank this week. She said OK.

In the spirit of DB, I have started Acting As If I'm a spouse who is being financially responsible and proactive about managing our financial problems, even though I too have avoided seeking help to address problems, and have felt frustrated by our monthly expenses.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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Posts: 1,778
My W spoke to a doctor friend of hers and decided to try e-cigarettes to cut down on smoking. I researched them for her, and found out there aren't studies yet to support their efficacy or tell if they do harm. She decided that they have to be safer than cigarettes, so bought one. She tried it once, and found the mist too strong. I'll ask her every now and then about her progress with this, validate her progress, and help her move forward with a new habit.

I called the fitness center this past week and cancelled the membership. I'm not going to pursue a new fitness center at this time, and suggest to my W as-needed that we hold off on joining a new one so that there can be needed extra cash flow. I'll keep looking for other items to cut in our budget.

I've started doing yoga in the mornings before work, and feel less stiff on a daily basis. I've increased the frequency of walks for my dog, now that I don't have class commitments.

My W is having a good response to Ritalin. She talks about it allowing her to focus. She's functioning quite well at a stressful job. When she's not on it, her lack of focus immobilizes her. I've seen this pattern in her, but never considered ADD.

I let my church know I would be available for a low commitment volunteer job.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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CL, how about an update? Haven't heard from you in a long while. Hope everything is okay!

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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We keep moving forward. We keep dancing at least 2-3X per week, between lessons and social dancing. We spend time with another couple where a budding friendship is forming. I've been a member of a church for two years, which has helped me in dealing with marital and life stressors better, and helps me to see that my past marital problems are a part of life, and that all of us have a past filled with mistakes. I have less shame surrounding my marital past, though I do regret mistakes I've made. My W talks about joining me for church, but I go regularly to make my own connections and continue developing a mindset that makes me a better husband and human being. My W is meeting with a career counselor and attends a job support group so that she can find enjoyable, stimulating work that she is fairly compensated for.

I'm not tha same person I was when I got married, and during our trying times. I can see how I contributed to the problems in the M. I'm glad we didn't get a D. The area I need to continue to improve on is connection and intimacy with my W and others, personally and as a couple. Relational skill gaps are what got me into marital trouble. I'm good at autonomy and developing other skills. In a discussion group at church, we were asked how do we need to grow in the coming year. I answered that I need to continue to be less conceptual and intellectual, with more time invested in relationships.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
My W joined me for the first time today at the church I've been attending for two years. She had some difficulty sitting in the silence, but she found it to be a positive experience, and intends to return. I made a point of introducing her to at least a half dozen people, plus the minister.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
My W has given me permission to attempt to wake her up on Sunday mornings to accompany me to church. She is free to say yes or no. If she consistently says no, I will back off. She accompanied me to Christmas Eve service, and had a small part in a play.

We had an emotional discussion about the dance studio we've been attending for the past four years. The positives seems to be decreasing and the negatives increasing at this studio. Our last two group classes have not gone well, which is unusual for us. We think we're weary of the negatives we've endured over the past year. We're going to scale back from the studio this year, and put our time and money into a studio that is a better fit for our goals.

We close on our mortgage refinance next week, which will free my W up to leave her current part-time job, with the negative envrionment due to the company consistently losing money. She is underpaid for her level of experience, and undervalued. My W has been staying there until the loan was cloaed.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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