Change is upon us

[2chiquitos]

You had a lot of expectations when it came to the nice dinner. Once he walked in late he blew it, dealbreaker.

Tell me more about what's going on in your head. What's your committee telling you? How did you contribute to the resentment? What could you have done to change it?

[hopefulinga]

You had a lot of expectations when it came to the nice dinner. Once he walked in late he blew it, dealbreaker.

I did have expectations, and I should know better by now. Usually when he tells me he will be home at a certain time, he is. I don't think I'll make any more nice dinners for a while. I love to cook and put my soul into it when I do.

I've gone back to being angry and confused. Part of me is really ready to move on and the other part of me wants to keep holding on, even though it is unhealthy. Maybe now that I know that I am getting closer to the end, I am getting scared. I have a lot of emotions to process.

I've backslid quite a bit lately, and I don't know that I really know why. I am once again becoming more resentful of how I am treated vs. how I see H treat other women. I am resentful of how he lives like he is single. Because of this, I am not doing a good job of validating or reflecting.

Yesterday we had a pretty good day together and today was another disaster. I tried to tell H that my hairdresser was coming over to do my hair and that dinner might be late. He wouldn't answer the phone (even though I saw him on FB). When I finally did get a hold of him, he yelled at me so loud that D could hear him through the phone. He hung up on me so I didn't tell him.

She was very late getting here and was still here when H came home. At one point, I went to ask him a question and he lit into telling me that I needed to get out tonight, that my hairdresser was a drug addict being watched by the DEA and that I wasn't to let her around D anymore. I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about.

He then went into threatening me with the DEA and calling the state bar and that it would get ugly. He asked when she was leaving because we were going to talk, and something about calling 911. I told him that I would not discuss this tonight (because I knew he was drinking) but would be happy to tomorrow. Then a bunch more spew and accusations.

I told him that I would respect his wishes and she would not come to the house again nor would I take D to her for a hair cut anymore. His catch phrase for the night was that I "needed to get my hat and go".

I honestly don't know what he is talking about and am not dumb enough to let someone like that into my home. I don't know if it is true, and if it is, how he knows. Funny coming from someone who has allowed his drug addict brother into our home and around D (yes, that is resentment. I hate the double standard).

I am having some issues with my credit report that I thought I had straightened out. So, I have to battle through that before I can get a loan. And it's BS because I have letters to back up what I did and how the credit card companies responded. I am doing all that I can do to make my moving a reality.

More resentment from me because I feel like I am doing all of the work. He's done nothing to get the divorce that he claims he wants so bad.

[hopefulinga]

H and I talked about separation today. He claims that he is going to see a lawyer today to find out what his rights are, and that he's tried to call our accoutant and he hasn't called him back. H told me to call the mediator, which I did. I'm waiting for a call back.

Right now, he is being very defensive and is still convinced that I've taken a bunch of money. I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way, and that I was more than willing to sit down with him and review finances for as far back as he wanted to go. He also said he wants me to start paying 1/2 of the expenses around the house, and is convinced that I am not. I made more than him last year, so I am.

I've been trying to be understanding and see places that I could have validated after the conversation. I'm getting my defenses up because I am so accustom to being accused and verbally assulted.

I've been keeping a spreadsheet of expenses for each of us and I sent that to him.

Right now, I'm being subjected to bullying and abuse. I'm also being called a liar at every chance he gets. I asked him to stop threatening me with the bar, and he said that he wouldn't call unless I got stupid, which is what he told me before. That basically equates to rolling over and going along with what ever he wants.

He accused me of stalling on moving. I tried to validate and told him that I was working as hard as I could to get out. I sent him a copy of my certificate of completion of the home buyer class. I don't know where he expects me to go with a screwed up credit report.

He wants to get separate checking accounts and I told him that was fine as long as we squared up who's been paying what this year. He agreed to that (at least until he gets mad at me again.)

[2chiquitos]

Hopefulinga, have you been attending Al Anon? I don't know if you mentioned it or not but you're experiencing a lot of verbal abuse by H and you need more than DB friends in your life.
Consider it if you haven't done so already.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, 2chiquitos. I am attending AlAnon. I wasn't able to go today because of work. I have to say the serenity prayer quite a bit some days. I don't have a sponsor, but would like to look into getting one.

I called the mediator today and asked about the process for a collaborative divorce. I reported what I learned to H and asked him what he wanted to do next, and he hung up. When I saw him later to drop D off before I went to teach, he told me that if the mediator gave him any crap, he would walk out and he wasn't crazy about the whole idea. I did not respond. I have several theories, but I am trying not to mind read.

I could bang my head on the wall at this point. I asked H to get the L, he told me to pick so that I would be happy. I picked last year, he said ok my choice was fine and then never followed up with scheduling. Before I called today, I told him that I would be happy to call another L but he told me that the one I picked was fine. And that was after H ranted about having mediation scheduled this week.

On the one hand I am accused of stalling and 5 minutes later, I feel like I am blocked at every turn. I don't know how I've made it 18 years without a trip to the looney bin.

My teaching is going well and takes my mind off of home. I have a very engaged class this time, which makes it easy and enjoyable. My work day was difficult today and I didn't get enough done.

I had a mixer this morning and another one tomorrow morning, so I am still trying to GAL and meet other people.

[hopefulinga]

So far today, I've discovered that H has lied to me twice recently. First, he told me yesterday that he had left a message for our accountant and he didn't return the call. I sent the accountant an email asking for an appointment. He sent me a response that H had called and inquired about the status of our returns and he told H what he knew. So H did talk to him and did not set up a meeting.

Second, I had lunch with one of our friends today (he's more H's friend that mine) about some business matters. He asked me how things were going. He knew what was going on but I didn't know how much. I asked H directly a few months ago if this person knew and H said no. This guy told me that H had told him that I had found a house, and that I had been looking.

And he wonders why it is hard for me to believe him.

What's sad is that the friend encouraged me to leave. He's been through a D and told me that I needed to stop suffering and that H was selfish and would not change. He told that it will still hurt for a while, but that I will be better off getting on with my life. He also told me that D would be better off in a different environment. This guy has heard and seen how H treats me/us.

I probably said more than I should to him but it wasn't the details. Just about what I was doing with moving out and the status of the filing for the D. It just kind of came out. Oh well.

[hopefulinga]

Somewhat of a revalation from H tonight. I sat with him while he ate dinner, and he was venting about some business issues. I listened and really didn't respond other than to say I could understand why he was upset.

As he got up, he basically said f@ck the world, he wanted to live out the rest of his life in a 2 room shotgun shack alone. I can't remember what else he said, but it followed those tones, along with suing the latest group of people to wrong him and indicating that he was mad at everyone (at least he didn't call me out specifically). I did not respond.

He's down to about 2 friends in the latest rotation. One is the 20 something woman who apparently has no life and the other is a guy who is not allowed to drink at home, so he hangs with H to drink.

So, I pretty much see him continuing to spin out of control and down the drain. Pretty sad and heartbreaking to watch. Also pretty sad to watch a grown man not be able to take responsibility for his actions.

I got part of my credit report repaired. Now I am trying to work on my debt to income ratio. Then I can try to qualify for a loan.

My relationship with H continues to be all over the place depending on the day. He's been pleasant a good bit, but has also tried to bait me into arguments. I've been able to walk away without saying anything.

I've noticed that when we do have good interactions, it is usually followed by him pulling back, which is where we were months ago.

My GAL has been limited because I've been extremely busy at work. I did spend all of Monday with D and H, which was pleasant. I plan on attending my HS reunion in August without D and H, which will require a trip to NJ. I would like to get back on the whitewater course again soon, and need to find a friend who will go with me.

This road is definitely long.

[2chiquitos]

Continue on your path. Continue walking away when he blows up. Continue STFU if he flies off his handle. Continue to work on yourself.

Plan for the reunion! Get your nails and hair done and parts that need threading/waxing/shaving. Youtube how to do your make up a different! Do your hair different! Be a sexy hopefulinga!

I did that for my niece's quincenera a couple of weeks ago. People didn't recognize me! It was nice!

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Hopeful. Just caught up on your sitch. You are an amazing woman! You have so many good things going on in your life. I can barely make it past 9 pm these days and I just have the one job so I really admire what you are doing.

I am sorry to hear that it's come to this point with your H, but I have to say I'm not surprised. I know how hard you've tried and how much you wanted your M to work. You gave it your all. I hope that you can make a brand new start very soon. No one deserves the kind of abuse and disrespect that you have been putting up with for a long, long time. You are stronger than you know.

Hang in there Hopeful. We are all rooting for you!!

[hopefulinga]

So, I decided to start a new thread because I've been gone for about a month and today is the "anniversary" of BD.

BD One Year Later