Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

6/11 bright and early we see each other in the kitchen and I said good morning.. I told her that I did not like the way we ended things last night and to remember even though there are a lot of things said, not to forget the good things I have said about her. W’s complaint for a long time is she feels that I don’t appreciate her and what she does. And I truly do appreciate what she does and I don’t want that to be overshadowed by our disagreements on other subjects. She said because she does not hear that enough, she gravitates to the negative of the conversation. I agreed with her and said how I too do that and that is something I am working on. She said she is happy to see I am focused into becoming a better person but that she feels she wasn’t worth it enough for me to make the changes before. I told her that I was blind and ignorant of what was making me unhappy and that it was because of her the desire for change started and will continue. W also said last night that she feels like I never wanted to be with her. So she has the same insecurities of the relationship that I have/had.

In a way I see this as slipping up but don’t know the effect of it yet. My goals are now to see how to express my emotions when I have not been drinking. I tend to be able to express my feelings if I had a few in me. I need to learn how to do that well with nothing in my system. Another is drinking less. I don’t drink that often or as much as W and I use to but I think it would be better to set limits and goals and cutting down even more.

[Bel123]

On a GAL note I participated in a 5k and feeling like there might be a calling for me to keep doing this

W and I talked about it for a little bit and W said I should get a message after (she got me a 6month membership to a place in December) and I told her that my last appointment is the end of the month but if she wants she can give me a message and chuckled about it and went about my business.

[Bel123]

The last couple of weeks have been really hard on me and I have been backsliding on a few things.

Snooping, GALing, 180ing

I discovered W has still been taking S to see OM. I discovered they have taken trips to the beach with S when she told me it was just her and S. I have seen pictures of S with OM at the beach, at the park, and all and it has been eating me up. I brought up the fact that it is insult to take S to places with OM. Her hiding it and me no knowing where my son is and who he is with besides his mother hurts. I think part of this is me being controlling. Part of it is my own history as a child I still need to deal with that W did not know about (I passively mentioned it to her years ago while we were drunk but she did not ask more about it). Concerning S, I have made sure for W to know about our activities with S and I expected the same.

After confronting her about what I found, she finally admitted to lying and said she lied because she already knew I was snooping. She has this defense mechanize of rationalizing why she has been lying about it. We talk more about OM and she said there is nothing going on and she just likes hanging out with him. The reason is because he is easy to talk to and they don’t talk about anything serious. When I asked what the sleeping arrangements were at the beach, she said he slept on the mattress, she slept on the futon and S slept in his bed. We talked about her moving out. I do think it will give us both space that is needed but I am not going to lie and say I am not worried but I also know there is nothing I can do about it.

Seeing those pictures of my S with OM pulled me back where I was when I found out about W and OM. I am trying to get out of that sad lonely angry place. I know at the end of the day, I will be the best father I can be. It still hurts. Feeling hurt and abandoned not only by W but that she sees him to be better than I not only for her but for our S. I know part of it is all in my head.

On a better note, I took S to visit my parents (who are in another state) for the long 4th weekend. It was great to see him to start bonding with my parents since he does not get to see them as much.

I need help in addressing my issues and I don’t even know what all these issues are but I know I am not happy where I am.

[Bel123]

W and I had a somewhat productive conversation.
I stated my feelings and observation of why I believe S being around OM is not beneficial for him since I don’t want S to be confused. That until there comes a time she chooses to be with OM (which she says they are only friends), to keep his interaction with him to a minimal. I know it comes off controlling and I have really thought hard about it for a while and I believe I needed to say it regardless of how it looks or sounds.

Talked about her moving out and what that means with our interaction with S. We have not fully agreed on the logistics but are in agreement we want S to feel at home in both places and that he is just not going to visit W. Talked about if there will be overnight guests and that if there would be, not to do it if S is there. She said she is not planning on having any with S or without S being there. She said “but that there can be a time in the future.” . I stated I am ok with that if we are no longer married.

She stated how she has to do this to figure out how to be happy and to see if her unhappiness is the R or something within her. I validated and it takes a lot of courage to do what she is doing it will be some hard road head of us but the self-discovery will be useful. She said once again how she is ready to have another child and her time is running out and how “this doesn’t have to be permanent” regarding her moving out. I said time will tell and that we both need to work on our own issues.

I have been working with my IC on some of the issues from not only the M but going back and how that has affected my thought process to the stich. What I don’t want to do is blame everything under the sun in childhood. I can’t go around saying I am a crappy person because I had a crappy childhood. How can you tell if the decisions you are making or your outlook in life is based on that? I really like to think that as reasonable human being, I am seeing things not only based on one experience but really weighing the opposing options.

What kind of process one should take to really examine where decision making is based on one’s value, morals, history or what not?