That's a good idea concerning leaving the home. I would never have thought of it. Unfortunately I haven't a clue about the laws here.
The other place is just about liveable. Fixing it up isn't an option as the guy wants to pull it down!! (Hasn't got the finances at the moment). I think that it will still be rent free as my wife is a friend and the place really isn't in a good condition.
Have to get my head around this latest development. Can't think straight at the moment.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
The wife has suggested I move there. I had contemplated the idea myself (but didn't tell her). My natural instinct is to decline it. If my w wants to separate then she can move.
Your natural instinct most closely matches the advice given on these forums. Don't move. It's very inconvenient and upsetting and the WAS should have to bear that as part of the responsibility of breaking up the M. Plus when children are involved, the family home is "home base" for them during this difficult time and their inclination is going to be to want to stay in that place of comfort. The LBS is already losing their spouse, they shouldn't have to lose their home and children too.
Also as Papa said, there may be legal implications, some states regard the spouse that leaves the home as "abandoning" the children for example.
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On the other hand it'll enable us to have our own space; it'll mean I could see the children whenever I wanted and the dreadful silence that consumes us when we are together would be banished. It would be slightly surreal but would it be beneficial?
And you'll have all of those things if your W moves into that place instead of you. If she thinks it's such a fantastic idea then she should do it.
We never, ever recommend separation around here unless there's some kind of abuse taking place. Your chances of reconciling are better if you stay under the same roof. When separated, reconciliation can sometimes happen faster than if the couple stays together, but more often than not it seems like once S occurs it's a lot easier for the WAS to stay away. The DB'ing approach is to try to stay together under one roof no matter how tough that may be, but if the WAS says they want to S then the LBS should just tell them they support them in that decision and not try to block them from leaving. But it should be the WAS that leaves, not the LBS.
After writing what I did I went for a walk and then basked in the lovely, warm sunny weather we had here.
After that I was in doubt that I should stay put. It's amazing what relaxing in pleasant conditions can do!!!!
Struggling badly at the moment but I'm just putting it down to one of the those days (shouldn't have stayed up to watch the football!!). A nice early night and I'm sure things will appear better tomorrow!
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
I took the plunge and decided to meet people! I've been GAL-ing in different ways but it's only the 2nd time since BD 9 months ago that I've actively set out to try and chat.
Didn't feel in the mood at all and the closer that I got to the pub the less I wanted to go. Eventually after sitting outside for a few minutes I took a deep breath and paced inside...into a corridor where I stayed, "looking" at posters, for a few more minutes.
After "bounding" up the stairs I found my way into the pub. I searched for the "meeting" and found where it was taking place. I then proceeded to watch a couple of Led Zeppelin videos on the screen (I hate Led Zeppelin!)
After watching the Led Zeppelin videos the fear of meeting people (in my present condition) was less than having to see another of those damned videos and I strode into the room and greeted the 3 people that were there at the time.
It was all very pleasant and and after a couple of drinks and with more people joining us I was able to relax.
Unfortunately, I had to leave after 2 or 3 hours because the transport connections are very poor here.
It was great feeling human again. Being able to speak in my native language instead of struggling to understand the Czech that would be thrown around me. It was a good evening and well worth the hours journeying.
I didn't tell my WAW that I was going (a mistake? I don't know) but, strangely, at 10pm I got a call from her asking where I was and after telling her (another minor mistake? I've always told her the truth and I'm struggling to act "mysterious" in this respect)and saying that I would have to walk the 2 miles from a neighbouring village to my own she offered to come and pick me up. I thanked her but declined the offer as it was already late and that it would be better for her to stay put and to try to get a decent sleep.
I just found it so curious. She wants me out and perhaps even a divorce and yet she would be prepared to stay up late and give me a lift home.
The main thing though is that I got out, had a nice time, had a few laughs and connected, to a certain degree, with 3 or 4 people. (And 1 of those people was a pretty brunette which was an added bonus!)
(Things haven't changed here though. She's still very cold and distant but for today, at least, it doesn't matter quite so much.)
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
The wife changed her "tactics" this weekend. Instead of lying in bed for the whole time except for essentials she chose to do the opposite. The only lying in bed she did was elsewhere and when she came in I felt like pointing at her and proclaiming to our children that "that is your mother!"
It ended with us having a midnight chat on Sunday/Monday. I have to admit that I am rubbish when it comes to talking/listening to her these days (perhaps because I have so little practice.
It started well as she initiated the conversation but as it went on I had this itch to speak and unless I scratched it I would scream!! After allowing her to speak for 10 minutes about separation and divorce I "had to" have my say. I think that some of my "logical thinking" got through but if it did it probably has been scraped from her memory banks by now. And the end result was that I felt like crap and she fell asleep as sound as a baby. I have to keep telling myself that places like this is the only place to "scratch an itch" when it comes to a MLCer/WAS.
I'm not sure that moving forward is possible when you live under the same roof. (Listening to my wife say that we're living together but not as a couple and therefore her sleeping with OM isn't cheating makes me want to stick a fork in my head!) The tension is overwhelming at times but when I'm out I can feel the life coming back to me.
There are a couple of things that could have a significant impact on our lives and that is my wife has an interview for a job on Wednesday and I have one in the middle of next month. Hopefully if we are both able to get them then that could help us to move forward though in what direction I have no idea. (My WAS still wants me to move out. My heart doesn't agree although my head can certainly see the advantages.)
It's called the rollercoaster from hell except that I don't seem to see any ups. I suppose I have to remember "patience, patience, patience!!!"
3 hours until my eldest is home, 5 days until the weekend, 5 weeks until the children's Summer holidays and 3 months until I/We go to England and ? until the weather gets warm again!!
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
Well, the WAS moved out into the other bedroom but I feel the dynamics have changed for the better. I hope that this feeling stays.
Feeling gutted as I wanted to go out tomorrow to an English coffee club but my younger daughter has a concert. It's such a shame it's on the same day but it can't be helped. (I may go the cinema or swimming the next day instead. I need to go into town at some point to get passport photos so I may coincide it with that. It won't be the same because I'll be doing it alone but better something than nothing)
My mood swings from feeling "happy" to feeling incredibly sad every few minutes at present. It's quite surreal. I don't know what to make of it. Perhaps the thought of my marriage disappearing further down the plughole mixed with the possibilities that comes from being "single".
Loving and "hating" someone is strange. I don't know how long I can hold on for. I miss human touch so much and yet I know that I won't be any good for anyone at the moment. I do feel so incredibly alone but I do know that I feel stronger now than I have done for a long time. I got lazy in my relationship with my wife and allowed my personal growth to stagnate. I hid behind my wife and now I'm slowing learning to come out of the shadows. It is scary but quite exciting at the same time.
The W is off to her interview soon. I just hope, hope, hope she gets the job.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
Alias, nothing additional to offer that hasn't already been provided.
Just know that others in this community (including myself) are dealing with the same feelings.
As you know feelings come and go and change. You get to choose how you react to those feelings (often easier said than done - I know from personal experience!).
Stay strong for yourself and your kiddos......
Come here to vent when needed. The community is great!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I'm so crap at being patient. I'm always telling myself to STFU but I never listen to myself. I know it doesn't do any good but I just don't know how how to stop myself.
I just that I get the job that I'm going for on Friday (and it pays well enough and has enough hours). It'll give me more freedom.
My wife is a pig. At times I hate her. I know that I don't need her but I want her so badly. I'm such a cliche. Lol.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
I've told myself to STFU and just come on here instead.
For some reason she's gone through our thousands of photos and has picked out the ones with her and the children in it (none of me)
I don't know why I'm getting so uptight about it. (Perhaps because she looked so beautiful, the children were young and our marriage was truly special then) The tears are welling up. I felt so strong earlier and now I'm turning to mush but why??? Right, a quick walk, a splash of water on the face, some breathing exercises and a couple of songs have eased the situation. A little.
Yesterday she showed a tiny amount of affection for the first time in weeks (should I reciprocate?) and then proceeded to tell that she thought she was "in love" with the OM. She did, however, say that she still had feelings for me and realised that she was being selfish (would someone in MLC realise this?) but she just couldn't help herself. I stayed calm, rational and quite and tried to validate as much as I could.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
I've pretty much known for the last couple of hours. She's been spending that long getting ready. (a 180 for her)
At least the tension has subsided, my kids will be back in a couple of hours, which'll be good and, at the same time, I have a couple of hours of peace which is also good!!!
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
