Lost her love or MLC?

[SFC_Swede]

AS, great advice on fear of loneliness. Because I have to admit, that is probably my biggest fear. Not just losing my family, but not being accepted by anyone. I do fear I am too old, used up, and not attractive.

Not to mention...I look around at the women in my immediate age range and its not something that interests me. Not to sound shallow, but I'm just not attracted to them for various reasons (why is everyone in my area over 40 grossly overweight for example). And then they all seem to have kids. Sorry, but I have been raising children since I was 18. I took care and sacrificed for my 3 from 1M, and raised my SS as my own since I met him at 6 months old in 2M. I just want to have fun and enjoy what time I have left...I just fear doing it alone.

I know...many, many contradictions.

[hotwheelsaust]

SFC_Swede, how I so agree with your comment about finding someone in the age range that I am in. Why is it, that the W just doesn't seem to fit into that category. Is it that they age, but to our own eyes they never have aged? In my moments of feeling good, or negative, depending on why I am thinking this, I also look at who I would be trying to see as a partner down the track. In all honesty I don't like what I see. Overweight, smokers, drinkers, simply women I wouldn't want to be with anyway. Then there is the kids, enough, my boys are grown up, I don't want little ones around anymore. Maybe we can be shallow together.
I also feel being alone, and enjoying my time alone. Friends are great, but I need that little something more. I haven't had that little something more for 7 months and it is getting harder to deal with the longer it goes.

[Papa4Life]

My commiserations, guys. I know how it feels to have such strong feelings for your W, only to have her treat you like a rack of garden tools.

That feeling of...not curiosity, really. And not real dread, at least not yet, lol. But the more inevitable things seem to become, and the more work I do on myself, the more I think about what life is going to be like back out in the dating world.

I think that if and when the time comes, there are plenty of W who will be a great fit. Speed dating seems like a great option, you can meet people by participating in clubs and activities.

In short, don't get too down about it because there are options.

[SFC_Swede]

Papa, I hear you...but seriously most of us have been off the dating scene for decades. And that game is played completely different now. I couldnt even begin to know where to go meet a quality lady. I have looked at several dating sites as an experiment of sorts, and like Hotwheels said...the women are just as, or more shallow than we men are in their dating "requirements", or aret something that interests me.

Thats where the fear comes from.

But I can tell you this. In my experience, after 1M I desperately tried to find anyone to care about me. The desperation and neediness must have seeped off of me like a foul smelling cologne. The harder I tried, the more I struck out. It wasnt until I gave up and was just relaxed and didnt care that I met 2W. Cliche I know.

[adinva]

It didn't become a cliche for no reason!

[BrightFuture]

Hm, I suppose my H is on the different side of the isle. He thinks that he can find a better partner. He is not fit, almost bold, graying hair and beard, has to wear reading glasses almost all the time now, has some health conditions. I’m on the other side slim, look at least 10 years younger, get compliments from the guys everywhere I go, have a great carrier and very self-sufficient. When I meet with my GF at her bar (she is the owner), almost every time I’m asked for a date, or phone number, or coffee... I get compliments from the guys on how easy I’m to talk to and seem to have everything together. BUT… my H doesn’t value any of it. He thinks he can have a better version. So, go figure…

[Alias71]

Thanks Ps for your comment. I've read your thread and you seem to be doing fantastic. You seem to have a wonderful relationship with your D3 which is great. My relationship with my children has strengthened massively in the last few months too. My WAS thinks that it is "unnatural" to want to be with the children but that's her problem.

I must admit that I wrote the piece I did at a moment of despair. The days previously (and the days since) were a massive improvement mentally for me and, I must admit, it did leave me a little scared at how I was feeling. My PMA since then has been really good. Just have to GAL more often. (Today hasn't been that good but I know that it's just down to tiredness. The WAS will be out bellydancing tonight with D10 so that's good!!)

Thanks, once again, AS for more words of wisdom. It's always great to hear from you. There's always something to take from and to apply to my own life. I'm getting there. I just wish I had found this place sooner but better late than never.

[Alias71]

Things have moved forward in my sitch.

My WAS has decided that she definitely wants to separate (although we don't have the means to do so at present) and thinks that divorce is probably the answer to.

At the same time she said that she missed sex (I assumed that she was getting it from the OM. Presumably they have split up.) I offered her "help" in that department. I just feel so damned lonely. I just needed a cuddle or hug but my w has not interest in that so I initiated ML. During the "act" she started crying. I was wracking my brain trying to think what to do or say and, in the end, ran out of time. She controlled herself and the moment was lost. I don't know if the ML was the wrong thing to do. My w grudgingly said that she enjoyed it and I didn't feel used but, at the same time, it wasn't satisfying and it didn't feel like it brought us together (not that I expected it to do).

My w has come up with some, quite frankly, bizarre comments just so that she doesn't have to live with me. I suppose as a MLCer living in the same home just doesn't give her the space she craves.

I think that she has, to a certain extent, moved on to stage 5 in her mid life crisis. She has almost completely withdrawn from me, interacts very little with the children and has even scaled down her social life. (It's been a couple of weeks since she partied until 5 or 6 and she only goes out twice a week instead of 4 or 5 times and is home reasonably early most of the time)

I must admit that last weekend was particularly strange. She is very involved in our village here but aside from her commitments concerning there she spent the whole weekend in bed stirring only to get herself some food.

It's so sad to see. She was such a happy go lucky sort of person. Always smiling and now, at home at least, she's a shadow of her former self.

Struggling a little with my PMA as I'm so jaded. Struggling to come to terms with a GAL that involves a 5 hour round trip in order to play in a football match that lasts 2 hours. With strangers. On a Sunday (less time to spend with the children). And that's not including the financial cost. I suppose it's something I have to do.

Haven't allowed my w comments to consume me but it sure has put a dampener on my mood. Oh well.

[Alias71]

Most of the stuff I write is just journalling. However, if someone could come up with some advice for the following piece I'd be most grateful.

As I've stated before my wife wants to separate although we don't have the means to do so.

However, a couple of years ago as we were having our home done up we stayed in this home, rent free literally a minutes walk from our house. The place is a dump really. Not very pleasant but (just) liveable.

The wife has suggested I move there. I had contemplated the idea myself (but didn't tell her). My natural instinct is to decline it. If my w wants to separate then she can move. On the other hand it'll enable us to have our own space; it'll mean I could see the children whenever I wanted and the dreadful silence that consumes us when we are together would be banished. It would be slightly surreal but would it be beneficial?

I think the toll on my mind by my wife's declaration has addled my brain more than I thought it had. Struggling to come up with a coherent thought or idea at present.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Alias,

I don't know what the laws are like where you are, but it would be a good idea to find out whether you're leaving the home would legally be considered "leaving the marriage". If so, you would want to draw up a mutual agreement with W saying you both agree that you're not leaving the marriage, just maintaining separate residences.

That said, I know that in my sitch I'd probably jump at the chance to get my own place, and for exactly the reasons you mention.

Is the other place liveable? Could you fix it up? Maybe you could arrange to pay less rent, at least for a few months, and you can use the money to fix the place up a bit. They might go for that because they'd have the place rented and they could get more rent later after it's been refurbished a bit.