Once a muse...

[SugarBaby31]

Things have been getting interesting.

A little background, I've been spending some time with old co-workers as part of my GAL. One in particular, is a guy who coincidentally attended school with my H. Over the past couple of months we've been hanging out a lot. I've been very clear about my sitch w/ H. On a few occasions he has expressed that he loves me, mind you it was communicated through drunk texts, so I didn't make anything of it. Sober, he has expressed his attraction and admiration for me but understands my feelings are not reciprocated. I shared this info with my brother-in-law's wife, whom I'm very close with. Brother-in-law snooped through her phone and thinks I'm dating this guy.

Wed night, H comes by to pick up the kids. I leave for my friend's house to get dinner and go test drive some cars. Immediately after I pick him up, the thought of H seeing me with him crosses my mind. Right before I reach the on ramp to the freeway is my H, who sees me drive by with my friend in the car. My heart sank.

While I was out, I received a few texts from H asking when I'll be home. I respond and ask him if the kids are ok but did not tell him when I would be home because I truthfully didn't know. As I was returning, he texts me and says "So I saw you and the new guy..._____? =) He looks more like your type j/k. So when will you be done with your date." I responded once I got home with a short "I'm home."

H comes in with the kids and I act as if nothing happened. He begins to accuse me more and I respond with "I'm not going to dignify your accusations with a response because you didn't simply ask me if I was seeing someone. Besides, why do you care when you don't want me?" H eyes well up and his lips quiver and says "I do care."

We go back in forth disagreeing about a number of things from the reason for the separation, the nature of this friendship, the way he treated the kids and I leading up to the separation, the effort he puts into R w/ OW in comparison to the lack of effort he put into the M over the past 2 years...it was awful. Both of us had a lot to say.

It ended the conversation with "If OW makes you happy, I won't stand in your way. You didn't want me or this family."

He remorsefully says, "I've messed up so much, why would you want me back? How could you take me back after all I've done."

Today, I stopped by my mother-in-law's to drop off some goodies from Hawaii. She shares with me that she had brunch with H. He was distraught--he told them I was dating. He shared that he wanted to come home when he returned to Sacramento, but I didn't need him now. H said he wanted to try to work things out. She defended me and said he needs to drop OW first then work on R. He was broken over the mistakes he made and said that I couldn't possibly take him back.

What now?

[SugarBaby31]

Bump.

Anyone have some advice? Continue to be lovingly distant and GAL? Have I made the road home rocky?

[MrBond]

Actually your situation couldn't have turned out better. His paranoina and guilt from cheating on you is again being reflected onto you by him. He cheats so he automatically assumes that you cheat.

Don't clarify anything for him. You said your peace. He still hasn't taken ANY responsibility for his bad actions and if you notice in your conversation, has repeatedly mentioned about what YOU did as opposed to what HE did.

" He shared that he wanted to come home when he returned to Sacramento, but I didn't need him now."

More "oh woe is me" talk. He "wanted" to come home before while he was with OW? Please.

"H said he wanted to try to work things out."

Really? By having an OW?

"She defended me and said he needs to drop OW first then work on R."

That is great.

"He was broken over the mistakes he made and said that I couldn't possibly take him back."

You should tell her that he needs to get help, drop the OW and then start working on his M with you if he was really serious.

[MrBond]

Oh and one thing I would suggest is that the next time he goes off into rant about why you would want him, etc., look him dead in the eye and tell him that what he is doing is wrong and continues to be wrong, but you understand why he feels that way. Tell him that he needs to decide if the OW or his family is more important to him and that you will not continue to be blamed for his bad choices. Then walk away. Drop mike, walk off stage.

[SugarBaby31]

MrBond, you're a godsend. Thank you for your advice and taking the time to write. H is leaving for Vegas today to move his things back and will return on Monday. His brother will be joining him. We shall see what happens next.

[SugarBaby31]

It's been a few months since I've posted here which is a good sign...positive movement. H and I are in a new place in our S. I don't know how to describe it other than it being similar to the period that preceded our first date. We kinda "like" each other, enough to be curious about what it would be like to do something alone. H invited me on all of his activities with the kids, and even assumed I was gonna join him on a few. I never pressure him to be around me--I've truly transformed back to the girl he first fell for--and he's even joked around about it.

Question: When you reconcile, do you feel like your roles in the relationship completely change, possibly even reverse?

It feels like the purpose of the separation was accomplished---work on ourselves to figure out what we want and who we want to be--and come back changed. Can anyone relate or has been there?

Another update: H and OW broke up again. Does DBing change? If so, how does DBing change when that happens?

[SugarBaby31]

Anyone? Mr Bond?

[AnotherStander]

I've truly transformed back to the girl he first fell for--and he's even joked around about it.

Fantastic! That is a sign of good DB'ing right there!

Question: When you reconcile, do you feel like your roles in the relationship completely change, possibly even reverse?

MWD says in DR that your goal is not to revive your old M. Consider your old M dead and gone. Instead, your goal is to establish a NEW relationship and marriage with your H. Of course it's not the same as dating a stranger because you've got a lot of history with him, but you've grown and changed a lot through your DB'ing and this is going to change the dynamic of the R.

It feels like the purpose of the separation was accomplished---work on ourselves to figure out what we want and who we want to be--and come back changed. Can anyone relate or has been there?

You've probably changed more than him. Often the LBS does the lion's share of the work in saving the M while the WAS does nothing other than pursue their own selfish desires. So when the WAS expresses interest in working on things, often the LBS is very far along on their journey of growth while the WAS hasn't even started yet. So be prepared, he may yet still be on the roller coaster.

Another update: H and OW broke up again. Does DBing change? If so, how does DBing change when that happens?

DB'ing does not change until the WAS is well and truly ready to work on piecing. Some aspects of DB'ing are forever (particularly listening/ validating skills) while others should be suspended in piecing (going dim/ dark for example). I assume you're still S'd? If so, try and read through the threads in the piecing forum before considering letting him move back. It'll give you an idea of what to expect. Often the LBS's have lofty expectations when the WAS moves back, and the WAS's ALWAYS fail to meet those expectations. This can lead to resentment in the LBS and sometimes they become the WAS. Read the threads, be prepared for what to expect. Piecing is hard, hard work.

[SugarBaby31]

MWD says in DR that your goal is not to revive your old M. Consider your old M dead and gone. Instead, your goal is to establish a NEW relationship and marriage with your H. Of course it's not the same as dating a stranger because you've got a lot of history with him, but you've grown and changed a lot through your DB'ing and this is going to change the dynamic of the R.

Great because our old M needed to die! I like the change in dynamic, it seems as though we're both happier.

You've probably changed more than him. Often the LBS does the lion's share of the work in saving the M while the WAS does nothing other than pursue their own selfish desires. So when the WAS expresses interest in working on things, often the LBS is very far along on their journey of growth while the WAS hasn't even started yet. So be prepared, he may yet still be on the roller coaster.

Thanks for the warning. I'm keeping a safe distance. He has changed a lot and I've been applauding the 1% of improvement to encourage him. We're in a good place. I just have to remember to pace myself.

DB'ing does not change until the WAS is well and truly ready to work on piecing. Some aspects of DB'ing are forever (particularly listening/ validating skills) while others should be suspended in piecing (going dim/ dark for example). I assume you're still S'd? If so, try and read through the threads in the piecing forum before considering letting him move back. It'll give you an idea of what to expect. Often the LBS's have lofty expectations when the WAS moves back, and the WAS's ALWAYS fail to meet those expectations. This can lead to resentment in the LBS and sometimes they become the WAS. Read the threads, be prepared for what to expect. Piecing is hard, hard work.

We're still S'd. Letting go of expectations is a huge 180 for me. So far so good! There has not been any talk of moving back in, but lots of flirtation and innuendo.

[SugarBaby31]

OMG! I think I may be in piecing! I had to come here to share in the excitement and get support! I'll update more in the morning. If this is really it, it's not at all what I dreamed it would be like!...it's better!!!

Breathe! Be calm.