B, I am sorry you believe that you could have done something because that keeps you stuck.
The thing is, that if you interceded early on, his journey will have been thwarted. And unfortunately, they need to complete the whole thing to come out whole.
There is nothing anyone could do to stop this. It is necessary in order for them to deal with whatever brought them to this crisis.
B, I am sorry you believe that you could have done something because that keeps you stuck.
The thing is, that if you interceded early on, his journey will have been thwarted. And unfortunately, they need to complete the whole thing to come out whole.
I will second that from my sitch...IC and me stopped replay in 2010, BUT, it came back...with a vengeance for phase 2 to complete the journey.
Nothing you could have done to stop it, B, only just delay it, it would have come even if you were "perfect" in all ways...this die was cast LONGGGGG before you were on the scene.
It is not your fault.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I would also like to add that had you found a way to stop his crisis, he would have picked up where he left off in the crisis at a later date and the crisis would have been far worse.
People who go through a mlc are destined to have them, some are full blown and others are a blip on the radar screen. Those who have full blown crisis situations are those who never learned the proper coping skills as children growing up. There is nothing you could have done to stop his crisis. AD's just take the edge off the depressive feelings, but they would still have continued on the mlc path. Counseling will not work because they go one or two times and hear what they want to hear and also to appease the spouses and then cease going. This is an internal war raging within them and unfortunately it began when they were children, long before we came into the picture.
The only cure for mlc is to allow them to go through the entire crisis. What the finished product will be is anyone's guess.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And I sincerely apologize to my brothers and sisters to the north. I was only joking. I heard that PE teachers instruct history classes up there. But I am sure that was just a twisted joke. And to be 100% honest, I am not very fond of baby seals.
grr, I have been there. And you know what it really is? It's an attachment to what was. That does not mean what was does not show up again as the what is. But it simply means what is, is not what was. At this time.
Peace!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
CS --- LOL. I didn't take offense, and I did assume it was a joke (as is the one above, yes? No?).
Grr, I agree with Snodderly --- you wouldn't have been able to stop or prevent the MLC. You wouldn't have known that it was potentially in your future. And, as CS says, we are attached to what was, but I also think we are attached to what might've been. All the plans you made for the future have changed or gone.
The good news is that you can change too, but not into a crazy person like your MLCer. Quite the opposite.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
if i stop and think about it for a moment i could see that you are all maybe right? i actually did thwart this the first time in 2009...i have posts dating back to then
but within 2 months he was back and we were going to make everything work and we did make strides before he left this last time, my h said that it had been better just not fast enough or better enough
and about 6 months after he returned that first time, i know i was unhappy again i could see the signs that it was not changing all that much
and this is where i beat me up because maybe i could have done things differently well of course i could have and within a year i found a text on his phone that he was visiting strip clubs
my h is in an industry where this is fairly common for men and while i don;t mind that thing every once in awhile when he is on the road i could see, by the texts that it was becoming common
and right then something in me turned i know i stopped trusting right then and i have too many thoughts to write i fear that i am all over the place, so forgive me
thanks for the support and the comments they help more than you know or maybe you do
It's never enough for them, Grr, or in my H's case, sometimes too much. It's like the story of Goldilocks, except they never find the "just right" scenario for their marriages ... they never will until they start thinking clearly. By then, when some will want to get back with the LBS, the damage is irrepairably done to the spouse and the children if there are any.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Grr, you stop those thoughts right now. You could not have done anything. This is not your fault.
You could have been the most perfect wife in every way. It would not have mattered. Why? Because he is broken. Of course, he said it wasnt fast enough or good enough. It never would have been. He was already on his way into the tunnel.
Listen, you cannot continue to beat yourself up like this. It serves no purpose except to weigh you down and sap your energy.
Energy better spent on you and your child.
I dont know why you are afraid to ask for more money. This is your child's needs you are talking about.
I think you are going through the phases of grief. But you are stuck at the first two phases - shock and denial, and pain and guilt.
You need to get through these in order to come out the other side.
The next phase is anger. I think you might need to feel some of that. It is ok to feel it, then when you are ready, let it wash over you. You can use it to propel you forward.
You can do this, Grr. You have to start believing that there was nothing else you could have done. You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time.
Hey grr. This made me think of you regarding beating yourself up
Take Responsibility, Reject Blame
Feeling blamed can interfere with your ability to accept responsibility for your actions and cause you to take constructive criticism personally. But why hold yourself to some abstract standard? You’re an ever-evolving being who is, by definition, responding to life (as best you can) according to where you’re at in each moment. If you feel like you want to do better, then by all means, accept responsibility for your actions, but do it without blaming yourself for previous performance. Keep your mind open…
And your energy fresh.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
