It's pretty long and I can't imagine anyone wanting to read it all, but might make a pretty good Lifetime movie. At least that is what my divorce lawyer said. How sad is it that I am the unwilling star in this drama.
To summarize, in August H said he was unhappy, and asked for more space, counseling, more freedom...I took heed and did 180s to perfection. H said he noticed and acknowledged that I had made some pretty dramatic changes. Things were going "great" lots of sex, intimacy, great communication..and then out of the blue H filed for divorce in early December and then with some persuading to go to counseling with me...and though he was "checked out" he was working through the exercises, making plans for future events, building trust and communication...it was not all sunshine and butterflies, but if felt like we were making baby steps towards some kind of reconciliation. Christmas, birthdays, family gatherings, outings, all harmonious, enthusiastically attended.
Feb 1st H came home, kissed me hello, had dinner and as soon as the boys were in bed, told me he was having an affair and walked out with the clothes on his back, not telling our two boys, ages 8 and 5 that he was leaving.
It was and remains confusing and heartbreaking for all 3 of us. The boys are devastated and to add insult to injury, H revealed that the OW was my friend and across the street neighbor, the mother of my S8's best friend. Ouch.
H moved in across the street. Sneaking in and out after dark. OW's son was sworn to secrecy about mommy's new boyfriend (H). We continue to go to therapy and some heavy-duty psychotherapy. Psychotherapist some how impressed upon H that it was very harmful for the boys to have no idea where Daddy was, so he moved into my deceased mother's empty home. In theory. He hasn't spent one single night there since he "moved in" on Friday night. still sneaking around.
yesterday was President's day and I thought H was at my mom's. A block from our house, S8 spotted H's car and said--hey, that's Daddy's car--what is it doing here if he is at grandma's? I muttered some explanation. told H. He said he would be more careful.
H is still going to therapy. So am I. My kids start tomorrow. I wish this whole nightmare would end. It hasn't even been 3 weeks yet and I am devastated. I would still take H back. He is coming over tonight to see the boys and bring us dinner. Very hard. very very hard.
So confused. I want him back but not right away. I want him to be remorseful. I want his new relationship to fail. and I KNOW I have no power over any of this. I KNOW I need to get up and move on. But he is ACROSS the street. It is so hard, being so vulnerable, seeing OW come and go, I feel taunted and humiliated. I am so certain that the boys will find out. I think they already suspect in some unconscious way.
We are going through with the divorce...I don't want it...but the pressure is coming from him. I am cooperating as it might make things better for the boys in the long run. Or not. I have read here many times to trust nothing what he says and only half of what he does (or something like that). That is exactly where I am right now.
Does anyone have ANY words of advice? Any tips? I feel like a zombie. Still in shock. When does it feel normal? I haven't even told but a very few friends, though fairly certain the neighbors know by now. He's not really as discreet as he thinks he is.
I hope someone with more experience posts. All I have to offer is my support. You are really doing great, especially given the difficulty of your sitch. I don't have any D experience, but personally I would just make sure to use your L and protect yourself.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
All I can say is give yourself time to heal from this. You've done great DB'ing, but unfortunately people are unpredictable and even the best DB'ing doesn't always bring a WAS back. That said, I think he hasn't given himself enough time to think things through and is rushing into something he may very well regret later.
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Any tips? I feel like a zombie. Still in shock. When does it feel normal?
Therapists like to use this term they call "new normal", and while it sounded a little silly to me early on it really did become a mantra for me during the healing process. You're in shock, depressed and feeling like a zombie right now because your life is in upheaval. I'm sure you're scared too. This is a normal reaction to what has happened to you. You will eventually settle into your new life without H. You'll get used to doing things that he used to do and you will become more independent. You will establish your "new normal", that's when you'll realize that you're going to be OK with or without H. For now you're just surviving, but once you establish that new normal you'll start doing fun things and enjoying life again and not just surviving, but thriving.
Just hang in there, I 've been where you are now and I promise, it does get better! You'll be surprised to discover just how strong you really are!
Wow Tig. So sorry. Honestly I don't know what the right thing is to do for such little kids who are still old enough to understand what their daddy's car looks like. The secrecy was very difficult for me with my boys, and I covered for my H until the point where I felt I was protecting him more than I was protecting my boys. If H is going to do this, perhaps the bandaid needs to be ripped and they need to be told in an age-appropriate way. Get your counselor's advice on what and how and when to tell them anything. But the knowledge to an 8yo that their dad is doing something fishy, that cannot be healthy.
Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
It is so hard, being so vulnerable, seeing OW come and go, I feel taunted and humiliated.
Bah! Hold your head up! Here is what has happened. Are you going to let it destroy you? You are not the one doing anything wrong. Go about your business, try very hard to ignore their comings and goings, and smack yourself (gently) every time you feel humiliated.
Believe me, I understand and went through feeling diminished, humiliated, just the lowest most disposable piece of trash for my husband to leave me and not even for another woman, just leave me. I was that bad of a wife. Stop that. No one in the world is going to look at you going about your business and your H carrying on across the street and think less of you. Nope, it is your H and OW who should feel taunted and humiliated, and they are sneaking around behind the backs of 8 YEAR OLDS. That is really low. Hold your head up.
If you have any insecurities start working on them. Work out, do your hair and makeup, dress well. Get busy. Do things that are fun and exciting or even just different from normal. Reinvent yourself. Know, with all of your being, that you are good and deserving and are going to have a great life starting right now, in spite of H. To spite H, if that's how you need to frame it.
You will be OK. You will.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Everybody starts to feel "normal" (or new normal if you will) on a different clock.
Take care of yourself, working out has been the best thing for me esp early on. If you think you need AD's talk to your Dr.
As you start to put one foot in front of the other, you will come to see that the humiliation really does belong to them.
How would you like to re-invent yourself? Who are you at the core and what does she do, look like etc? I know it is hard to focus on what you would like at this point, but any consideration you can give it will put you on the path to being the best expression of you.
I do seem to forget that this part of your sitch is so new. Honestly, until 4-5 weeks ago, I was still off balance. So 2 months for me. My boss actually told me monday that I've seemed more myself the past month.
It will take some time. I do think your H is really rushing things. I'd just legally take your time. Take care of you.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I'm guessing once our support system is up and running I will feel like I have less responsibility for holding us all up. The boys have their first therapy session today. On Monday they start Rainbows (we all will participate) which is for kids with changing home lives (divorce, death, abandonment). MIRACLE of all miracles, H has decided that instead of not needing therapy, he will go to psychotherapy--he has been listening to my reasoning, and it is making sense to him (about being a better Dad for the boys). He says he realizes he needs to look deeply at his past/parents to be able to connect emotionally with his children. When I say this is HUGE, it is not an understatement. Let's see if he goes, but he realizes the kids are suffering and even said he would cancel his tentative plans with OW tonight to see the boys. It is a start.
I am in therapy too and it's so empowering. I will not give OW the satisfaction of seeing me frumpy and disheveled, and more importantly it is fun for me. I do my hair every day, (no mom ponytail) put on make up and bought a pair of jeans--I look good, too! I got in the habit of wearing cargo pants/yoga pants--comfortable stuff. Not anymore...The boys say wow mommy you look pretty!
The taunted feeling is how I KNOW they are there. I KNOW they are sneaking around and part of the thrill for them is the forbidden nature of their relationship. I don't think H was too thrilled when S8 saw his car, though. We have consulted with counselors and they said to delay them knowing about the OW for as long as possible. This means I feel like an accomplice to H and OW and also that I am lying to the children. It is a horrible position to be in. I will do it as the lesser of two evils.
Adinva you are right. They should be afraid of the humiliation not ME. As one of my friends says---Everyone LOVES YOU and they HATE HER (this is true--she is uniquely offensive to anyone who meets her, a rare trait) and They will think your H is an IDIOT. That is probably true too. I don't want people to gossip as it might be an embarrassment or cause shame to the boys. So I probably won't really tell many people.
I have a neighbor who unfortunately simultaneously is going through divorce due to physical and mental abuse. We are able to do this together and support each other. That is good. The fact that she hates the OW is a fringe benefit for me.
Two months to feeling the new normal sounds great...I was hoping by the summer, so that will be ahead of schedule...:)
Maybe you should tell your husband a condition for the divorce is that they move to another house? While enforcing such a condition is impossible, by mentioning it, you'll have him thinking more about how his life must change.
