Help & Advice needed please Thread 2

[tryingtilDorR]

She seems to be very concerned about where the 'blame' lies. Now I am mind-reading, but I would think she has either a little or a lot of guilt related to the situation. It may be even something subconscious that she doesn't focus on but it comes out in things like this.

[Intact]

Yes I think you're right - and I do believe she is guilt ridden.

[Intact]

Well W has just been round as our S is home from school sick. She was more pleasant too me than she has been in ages. Even offered to come to S football match with us both on Saturday - which I will take as a little baby step and internally celebrate...

Oddly (and yes I'm mind reading here) I had to tell her that 2 of our friends have seperated from their long term relationship - I'm interested in how she will feel about this as she has always held the belief that the woman in this relationship "has a thing for me" - perhaps that's why she was nice or perhaps it's just the DB dynamics - I have pulled away so she inches closer...

[Intact]

GOALS...

Ok I re-read DR yesterday and I've realised 2 things. 1. A physical affair isn't a deal breaker for me. It hurts but it is something I would work through should the chance ever arise.

2. I've been bad at stating my goals. My goals have been too big and general. Ie. get back together.

So I have a few goals I'd like to get too in the next couple of weeks and would appreciate any feedback please.

1. Have a conversation that isn't just about our Son.
2. I'd like my Wife to put a "x" on the end of a text too me - I know this sounds small but it's something I've noticed.
3. Would like W to stay a little longer when she drops S at home.
4. Would like us to do something together as a family with S - even if only for a few minutes.

I don't know whether these are at all achievable but I already feel better about having them. Any constructive criticism / ideas welcome.

Thank you.

[Intact]

JOURNAL

Detaching is going quite well and so are my 180s.

I'm pretty early on in my sitch but I do believe I'm already a better person. Still lots of work too do - but I'm getting there.

I do worry that I'll still be here in 4 years time, fighting for my marriage. What do people think about a DBing time limit. So, I say if there is not a decent amount of progress in one years time, then I walk away and stop trying to reconcile. I just don't want to be stuck in limbo forever... Obviously it will depend on how i feel though...

Also if people could give me tips/advice regarding my goals above I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you.

[Intact]

JOURNAL

Well, my WAW is being very nice too me - which is strange. She even had a coffee with me yesterday. I have greatly detached so either she now thinks I've moved on so it's safe to be friends or the dynamics of DB are really working; as I pull away she inches closer... We'll see...

Onto me, have a counselling session today regarding my temper and short fuse as this is something I'm desperate to fix for myself. I'm never physically violent but I do lose my temper by shouting etc. I don't like it, it achieves nothing and needs to be changed.

My S has been off school ill the last 2 days - I've really enjoyed having him at home. Quality time although obviously not in the best circumstances.

Tonight I'm going to get my new tattoo finished and then go to the cinema with a couple of friends which I'm looking forward too.

Professionally, my business is doing really well - better than it has years and I can safely say that I am not financially responsible (another 180).

I do find it hard to not internally celebrate baby steps without reading too much into things - this is something I have to work on.

Also, validation, I'm struggling to understand this and use it, if anyone would be kind enough to give me a few examples I'd very much appreciate it.
Thank you.

[Intact]

Would say I am "now financially responsible" not "not financially responsible" lol

[reb9597]

Also, validation, I'm struggling to understand this and use it, if anyone would be kind enough to give me a few examples

I struggle with this too! DB coach told me yesterday that validation is all about making WAS feel like they can handle their own lives. Showing them we have confidence in their decisions - which is crazy because their decisions ruin families! But I can see the point, no forward progress if the trust isn't rebuilt in our spouses.

I'm in the same boat as you, where our conversations are only about the kids. So how can I be supportive and validate WAH decisions? It's super hard and takes a lot of effort.

Your coffee with W? Did you reach one of your goals and talk about something other than kids?

[Tallula]

JOURNAL
Onto me, have a counselling session today regarding my temper and short fuse as this is something I'm desperate to fix for myself. I'm never physically violent but I do lose my temper by shouting etc. I don't like it, it achieves nothing and needs to be changed.

Good for you. My H has the same issue. It's very scary to live like that. My mom was the same, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff. I had started to do that this year during my unhappiness and have completly stopped. It's a struggle sometimes, especially with 2 small kids and being pregnant.

I do find it hard to not internally celebrate baby steps without reading too much into things - this is something I have to work on.

Our timelines are very similar. This was something I have struggled with too, once H started showing positive signs. I'd pull back, he'd respond...then I'd get too close, mildly pursue, he'd back off. Now, I've stayed pulled back for about a month. Even with the sex this weekend, I stayed pulled back. In my sitch, it has become more of a pain. Ha. Since he is still w/ OW and now actively pursing me as well. But, boundaries are my friend. I continue to be pretty dark. I don't contact him unless it's about the kids. I am still very friendly, joke, etc when we interact, but I end the conversations, physically leave first, etc. Sometimes it's hard, but you can do it!

Also, validation, I'm struggling to understand this and use it, if anyone would be kind enough to give me a few examples I'd very much appreciate it.
Thank you.

I also had trouble understanding this at first. AnotherStander has great examples when he shares. But how I understand it is this. Here is an example from friday. H: "I just hate myself most of the time. I feel really crazy. I miss you, I love you. I miss the kids. I just don't know what to do." What I want to say. "Well, you hate yourself because you are sleeping with another woman & breaking up your family. Stop that, focus on yourself and maybe you will stop hating yourself." What I actually said "It must be really awful to feel like that."

I think for men especially, they have a tendency to try to fix things. My H does all the time. I just want someone to listen and he tells me what I should do. I get now that he is just doing what he thinks is best, but just listen. It's REALLY HARD!!!

[Intact]

Thank you reb and tullula think I understand a little more now.

Reb - during our coffee our son was present but I did ask about her parents and how work was going etc. so a bit of a baby step I suppose but I wouldn't call it reaching one of my goals...

Tullula - I have stopped all pursuit of W and never initiate contact - she does seem a lot warmer towards me - but she certainly isn't pursuing me as your husband is you... In fact I think she is warmer towards me because she feels I have moved on - not sure if this is a good thing or not... We'll see.

Sme days I feel great at detaching - this afternoon I've really been missing her. Hate the way it claws you back - but perhaps this prevents us from dropping the rope completely?

Thanks again both for your words of advice - it is greatly appreciated.