Bea, I'm right there with you! You've explained things very well. I do understand what you are talking about because I experienced it so long ago.
It's like I've mentioned many times...we, the lbs, are the ones that will ultimately determined whether a reconcillation will take place or not at the end of the mlcer's crisis. Some will reconcile, others will have moved on and are content being single, and others will have remarried, etc.
Bea, keep those thoughts coming!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey guys, would someone please explain 'the script' you keep referring to? I understand it's place and purpose, but what exactly is it? And Bea, I do very much appreciate your ongoing explaination of this side of the MLC.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Hey guys, would someone please explain 'the script' you keep referring to? I understand it's place and purpose, but what exactly is it? And Bea, I do very much appreciate your ongoing explaination of this side of the MLC.
Punkin - great to hear from you! I think that what Cadet and others are referring to is that MLC appears to play out in a very similar way, and they say similar things and exhibit similar behaviours. Times scales are different, but they seem to do the same sorts of things at particular stages. The anger, meanness and venting in the early stages for example, the sense of entitlement, neglect of family and so on.
I have not seen my xh hit bottom though, and I am not sure that he ever has, and I am also certain that he has never faced his demons. BUT he is doing and saying a lot of things that we are told they do and say towards the end of the crisis.
He no longer appears to be in the grip of the crisis, but because he hasn't hit bottom and really worked on himself, I believe he will always be somewhat stuck. As my eldest son said though, 'It is a lot better than where he has been for the past 7+ years' He seems worn out by it all. But he has't spewed at me at either of his two recent encounters, which is nice.
The most telling thing for me though is the sense that he is'there' again. It is hard to explain to someone who has not gone through this, but the alien has largely gone, and the real him is back in there, but he seems a bit deflated. Not surprising really because the alien took up all the living space for a long long time. The alien may come back.
My xh woke up briefly at the beginning of 2010 but didn't make any attempt then to reconnect with his children and went scuttling back into the tunnel.
I have the strangest sense of detachment about it all.
Some further thoughts on the 'endgame' It seems to me that MLCers tend to either hit bottom and finally face their demons - classic behaviour for many addiction patterns, but as with other addicts, many simply make an accommodation with their problems, and although they may return to 'themselves' they are not healed.
Now I don't know if strikes a chord with anyone else, but I have noticed that many damaged people were severely and inappropriately punished for behaviours that were actually normal age-appropriate behaviours. However, the message they internalised was that the punishment meant that they didn't have to take responsibility for what they had done. The punishment 'atoned' for the offence. You see it in some prisoners. They consider that 'they have served their time'
As adults they found it easier to do this. It has been noted how many MLCers are in or have been in, the military. I do not think it is a coincidence, and I do not think it is being in the military that caused it. They sought out the police, fire service etc as a framework with clear rules and punishments, and were thus able to go on repeating a pattern of behaviour.
To give an simple example: if a child has a pet, then it needs to learn to feed and take care of it. In a normal family it is understood that the child will sometimes forget, and that the pet may suffer, This needs explaining, and reinforcing. Simply punishing the child for lapse will not actually encourage the child to see that it is their actions that caused unnecessary suffering. They see themselves as suffering, and have thus 'atoned' for their lapse by being punished by their parent.
Bea, My xh never hit bottom and he's stuck. He is just floating along and didn't learn anything from his crisis and he hasn't healed. It's just another day and he continues to sweep issues under the carpet.
My xh's parents were the type to punish him and then let it go. My xh never learned to take responsibility for his actions and it was always the fault of others or if he was tasked to do something, he would ask couldn't his brother do it.
Funny you should mention the military. My xh was in the military for 4 years and he was assigned to the fire service area. Once he was discharged, he drifted from job to job for several years until he returned to the Federal fire service. During the entire time he was w/me, he never took responsibility for his actions, i.e., was always the other person's fault.
I can totally relate to your posting. As you xh and mine must be on the same raft floating on the stream.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OMG!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Once you began explaining about 'the script' it all came back to me. I was thinking it was a seperate one from the script we all went through pre and during our divorce, but what you said, Beatrice and Snodderly! My XH was career military. Army brat childhood. During a split earlier in our marriage, I even went so far as to have a T shirt made for him that said IT'S NOT MY FAULT printed upside down on his chest so he could look down and see it.
This helps explain, or at least I think it does, his latest actions. He has gone for well over a year without any sort of contact with our D's. Then, after a chance meeting with youngest D, in which our grandson did not know who he was, he suddenly began texting them both again at absurdly late hours. ( Girls think he was drunk)Could it be that this was his way of reaching out to see if his punishment (i.e., grandson not knowing him) was done and he could be forgiven now?
Sorry, don't mean to hijack, but this has been bugging me.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Not a hi-jack at all - this is an open thread for all. Fwiw I think at this stage in your xh's MLC it is a sudden flash of insight, and when it gets painful and difficult he will retreat again. The absurdly late hours are the key here. He is reacting not responding and it is about how HE feels, not your daughter and grandson.
This time my xh has been edging out slowly (I can't say I noticed much as our contact is so limited) but in our last two interactions, as I mentioned, the alien wasn't there. Before, even when he was being 'nice' he was still an alien.
When we met he was careful to give me a choice of time and place, and he paid the bill for our meal! Quite a change. He has also been very co-operative about helping my youngest son, and gone halves on the cost, for which I am grateful, and astonished.
How are you? Miss you posting, so hope life is so absorbing you aren't getting over here B
Just getting along. I still lurk in the shadows here, but most of the time I don't feel I am far enough along in my own development to be much encouragement or help to others. This winter has been rough for me in regard to my arthritis. Now I'm going to have to have surgery on my left foot due to another heel spur. Between the arthritis and the winter weather, I'm my own pity party. Hoping the time change will do the trick.
Still visit to get words of wisdom from posters such as you and Snodderly. Especially when the X pokes his head out of the rabbit hole. Need a different perspectve, don't you know.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Sorry about the arthritis - I take it you are not one of the people who are responding to the relatively new wonder drugs for arthritis. I know two people who are taking them and it has changed their lives.
It takes a very very long tme to get past all of this. Shock, betrayal, grief, you name it . . . Fortunately we are resilient and it gradually comes good, but the loss of the person you expected to grow old with is tough, especially when they turn into Monster alien.
I feel as if winter is never going to end, and have had a difficult work project - nice to have the work, but much of the difficulty was not inhenrent in the work itself, but the prima donnas around it! Keeping them happy and talking to each other took up far more of the project than any sane person would think necessary!
