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A Message from Michele
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My first post... #2321694
02/11/13 04:22 PM
02/11/13 04:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
F
Finn Offline OP
New Member
Finn  Offline OP
New Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
I'll try to be brief. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, but unhappy for the last several. My wife met someone else about 7 months ago, I just found out about a month ago. It is a total romantic, emotional, physical relationship. She says t is the most connected and real she has ever felt and has no desire to end it or save our marriage.

We have 2 young kids and have a great family life. We are all still in the same house but she moved into the guest room. I don't want to break up my family so for now this will be our situation. She is past all the pain and emotion of this but I have just been going through it all for the last many weeks. She says that us spitting is not related to the other person and that if that relationship were to end tomorrow nothing would change.

We have had many conversations and want to protect our family and have eliminated all negativity from our interaction and are deciding to get along positively. I have no idea what to do. If I pull back I feel it will only reinforce her position as for many years I became withdrawn, quiet, on-emotional, and she eventually shut down and moved on. Do I compete for her love or live as if I am letting her go?

Thanks for any help!

Re: My first post... [Re: Finn] #2321948
02/12/13 04:58 PM
02/12/13 04:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Originally Posted By: Finn
Do I compete for her love or live as if I am letting her go?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

LET GO
Be the BEST DAD that you can be.
Keep custody of your children.
Tell her to move out of the house and try to shine a light on the affair.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

You might get more responses if you post on newcomers.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: My first post... [Re: Finn] #2321962
02/12/13 05:28 PM
02/12/13 05:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Finn, I'm sorry you're here, but I also know you'll get some great support and advice. I myself saved my own marriage from my wife's affair nearly six years ago, but we came VERY close to divorce a couple of times while everything was still going on.

I've followed nearly thousands of sitches over the past 7 years, and have personally counseled many people thru this. I've really only seen two approaches work, which I detail below with a copy-and-paste from my personal archives. I think you can do the "fight like hell" thing before the "letting them go" thing, if you want to save the latter in reserve, but if you think about it you really can't do the opposite.

Starsky (formerly "Puppy Dog Tails" and "Chocolateeyes")


----------------------------------------------------------


"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"



1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: My first post... [Re: Starsky309] #2322002
02/12/13 07:48 PM
02/12/13 07:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
N
Nblost Offline
Member
Nblost  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
Starsky's advice is good.

GAL and find yourself again. It's so hard at first, but try to get out and do things for yourself.

Your situation is almost identical to mine except my H was more conflicted between leaving me for OW. However, he continually told me how OW was more fun than me. He really likes her. He is excited to show our kids an example of a good relationship, etc.

Flash forward about a year. I've now seen evidence that OW is a wacko (one of their text conversations showed up on my 5-year old's phone). H seems miserable (at least around me) and that confidence about OW is gone. The reality of splitting up the family and having to deal with our 3 kids alone is also weighing on him.

Anyway, my point is just that your wife's confidence in her new relationship is probably short-lived and the reality of a divorce will set in at some point.

Ultimately, it's up to you on what you can live with. I tried to endure H's affair for about 4-5 months and then needed him out of the house (which took another 5 months). I now don't think I'd take him back.

You'll get through this. Take care of yourself and try to stay strong. Things change and you will eventually get more control in the situation.

Take care!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

Moderated by  Virginia 

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