From my early days in ALanon one saying that always stuck in my head was, keep your side of the street clean. When I first heard it I thought it was dumb and not at all insightful. But it really stuck with me.
It meant all I had to do was take care of me. I needed to go to my therapy, my alanon meetings and do my postings on these boards. I didnt need to worry about what he was doing. This was not easy and for months I was just faking it but some how little by little I really started focusing on myself and my own journey.
Fast forward to last night when STBX comes over to pick up the girls. I felt like I was almost saintly. I packed up a great bag of clothes for the girls with their favorite outfits, I was truly happy when he came over so the girls could show him their new bunk beds. When my two year old was screaming I dont want to go to Daddy's house I was able to be the one to talk to her and make it okay to go. All of my actions were somehow sincere
Then again right before they are about to leave D2 starts again crying I DONT WANT TO GO TO DADDYS HOUSE. My Stbx says " Oh come on D2, your mommy is going to think I torture you over there"
That response was insane to me. It shows me that he is so blind and clueless that he doesnt even see what he is doing to the kids. Kids dont want to schlep back and forth between two homes, she is not crying because you torture her, she is crying because she wants her mommy & wants one home.
The other part of this interaction last night was he gave me an update on our SIL health. (His Brothers Wife) She was diagnosed with lymphoma 2 years ago and had not been responding to chemo/radiation, etc.
Currently she is receiving a radical treatment at Johns Hopkins and has been in ICU for three weeks, which is to be expected, but still.
What clicked as insane to me was, here he is a guy who considers himself close to his family and he has made himself completely unavailable to them while they are going through this crazy battle with cancer. Did I mention my SIL has 3 young children.
At christmas time my H went home for barely 2 days with my girls and his girlfriend. Then with the rest of his time off took a vacation with his girlfriend and then returned to his 80/wk work week. He didnt make himself at all available to spend time with his parents or his brother, SIL & nieces and nephews. That is called running away.
What kind of came to me in a flash last night after witness and hearing all these odd things from him, is how he has always been odd but I choose not to see it or to make an excuse for him.
He so wanted to present himself as the perfect man, he is handsome, in shape and has a good income and I so wanted him to be the perfect man that I ignored most of his strange behavior.
He was never able to make connections with new people. He never connected to any of my friends or family in a very real way. I thought it was my friends that he didnt like. He was so distant even from me. But I really thought I could live with someone that is distant because he is such a "good guy". He always referred to me and our daughters as his three girls. (Even days before bomb).
I realize now that for him these were only words and their was no substance behind that. I realize how much I wanted and needed him to appear perfect and I played into his charade, a charade he doesnt even realize his is playing.
With all my recovery and my comfort in myself I cant imagine being back with him. being back with a man that isnt comfortable in his own skin.
I will pray for him but I deserve better.
... but damn it my kids deserve a mother & a father
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Your description of your H reminds me so much of our family dynamic too. I see patterns here with so many of these sitchs. It's so much like a script. Take out one H and insert another. Same story, different H.
That is correct. Take care of you and your girls. You DO deserve better and so do your kids. But you only have control of so much.
Take care of yourself!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yes, I see a pattern too. They were emotionally stunted as children and they do not know how to show the "real selves" to anyone. Yes, they do provide the lip service about loving us and being their better halves, but it's generally "surface love", not the deep love that people share. It's unfortunate that they were emotionally stunted because they have never really known how to express themselves and what they could have enjoyed being in a far deeper relationship. Hopefully during mlc they will peel enough of their selves away to heal and grow up and become mature individuals who can then better share of themselves and not be afraid of exposing themselves to others. BTW, my xh was very much like your h too in not sharing a very deep emotional bond.
I'm sorry about your sil. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. It's not easy on anyone who is fighting cancer. I do hope that they can find some meds that will help her.
You are doing great and I'm so glad you are showing him a calm, peaceful and positive person. I think you did beautifully when he came to get the children. It will give him something to think about.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sometimes it blows me away. My H actually had the audacity to blame his 10-yr-old daughter for missing her birthday. He blew her off because it was on a Friday. He called a 4 p.m. on the day of her party and asked if he could come over. She said NO. He blamed her and made it a joke over Christmas. NO CLUE. Whatever supports the addiction, the disease, the insanity. BUT, the even crazier part is how good they are, despite all this insane behavior, at convincing themselves and others how WE are the crazy ones. Like a 10-yr-old should ever be held responsible for that!
It's very sad.
I'm glad you had the epiphany. I know it's validating and painful at the same time.
You've been a great reminder to me to include the program in this MLC journey. Thank you.
And, how you handled it, didn't go unnoticed. In a moment of clarity, he will see that. He may never reveal it, but he took notice on some level. I think that's the saddest part. They Know. They do know, deep down, how sick they are. But, they give into it. My H has virtually recited things to me that I said back in May, June, August. They remember. They block it out as much as they can, but if they have even a mustard seed's worth of a conscience, they do get it deep down.
Trust the process.
He's where he is supposed to be right now and, God is protecting you from his disease--maybe to spare your children more hurt? Imagine if he DID live with you. I was reminded of the conflict this week. I can see how HP has kept his illness away from us this last year--at least on a day-to-day basis. I stink at dealing with an active addict in the home. I'm terrible at it and my kids always paid the price for that. Distance keeps me from getting too gullible and too vulnerable and helps me keep the focus where it needs to be.
You're doing great. Working the program the way you do, ALWAYS pays off.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
B, as you continue on this journey, you will begin to see your husband and your marriage with less and less rose colored glasses.
While every MLC is different in some ways, very often the MLCers have very similar childhood issues and personality traits.
My xh was unable to really and truly open up to anyone about anything of substance. I loved him, so I accepted it, but, it was very difficult to live with someone who was so closed off.
Little by little you will begin to see that the man you thought was wonderful, had flaws like everyone else.
I was surprised when I learned about childhood issues driving the MLC. It seems this fact is not commonly acknowledged. Yes, it does seem they are NOT comfortable in their own skin, I know my wife isn't, and never truly was.
It makes perfect sense that we can't find the answers for them, they must do it on their own.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Then I am as nuts as you. I too think at some point W will snap out of it...someday but likely will be too late. She too has various childhood and teenage issues. A lot of repressed anger for her parents and old BF. she too buries behind this nice girl persona but it comes out and boy does it. She does not even realize what she says sometimes and it maps right too it. MC #'s 1 and 2 both mapped this for her and had her map it out right before my eyes. It was wild and scary at the same time. She could not deal with it and retreated into shutting down.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hi, There is nothing wrong with hoping he will come home, you said yourself that your little ones want and deserve one home and two parents. That is a normal feeling. The issue is if he does come home, what will that look like? What would you accept and what is really best for you and your kids. If you haven't spoken to a DB coach, I suggest you do, as they are wonderful in helping you get clarity on what your goal is and how to accomplish it. I congratulate you on all you have done for yourself(including Alanon).Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thks Floyd and KarenR. Thks for not thinking I am complete nut job.
I have spoken to DB coaches & I have spoken with you, much earlier on and they were amazing. They got me through the darkest of days. Right now I think talking to a coach would really be living in a fantasy since my STBX has not made any moves to R.
If he makes any move to come home I will definitely schedule several coaches sessions. I see how sane I am now after a year and a half of intense treatment through my shrink, alanon and these boards. A relationship with ex would not be possible unless he chooses to get some form of treatment.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
