Got through January which is always a winter obstacle for me. February will be another hill to climb.
Quick review: BD last June. H in EA w OW. His mom died in AUgust from cancer. H moved out 11-12. H claims he hasn't made a "decision" about his future. I think he has.
Wow. I can't believe I condensed my sitch so briefly. It seems like it has been so long since BD. We have 3 boys who are all dealing w their dad moving out differently.
H comes to our house to see boys each day after school and on w/e from noon to dinnertime. It is hard for me to be around him at times. He seems so cold and distannt to me. He is a stranger in my H's body.
We had a good M (or so I thought). We hardly ever fought. We took lots of vacations w our family. Things started getting "different" when H's mom was diagnosed w cancer. I unfortunately wasn't in tune w his distancing from me. I didn't nurture him like he needed. He moved away from me when he found someone else who he thought "understood" him more, gave him lots of verbal praise, and who needed him (she was going through a tough M sitch, I guess).
Regardless, here we are. Together for 20 years and we are like strangers. He has rejected our family life, as he got tired of living "minute to minute" w schedules, carpooling, getting things done at home, etc. The never-ending routine is one of his complaints. Yet, this is part of family life.
OW has 2 younger children, so I don't see how adding another family is going to be the answer to his happiness issues.
I feel like if H's EA becomes a PA I will be done. He is trying to "live as a M man" while he is living on his own. OW is still living w her Ex(?) while they are trying to sell their house. I think my H & OW are waiting for her to be "free" from her Ex. I really don't get it.
I want to be hopeful but my H has shown absolutely NO baby steps in my direction. He seems to be moving slowly on the same path since the beginning.
I am sad for me and my boys. I am getting used to our new normal of living w/o him, though. I don't want to go through life feeling the loneliness I feel now.
I have also given myself a timeline, but don't want to say it out loud just yet. I can't live in limbo forever, nor do I deserve to be treated like OPTION B. I'm not even sure if he would see me as an option at all anymore, as he seems fairly sure he would never have feelings for me again. (Mind reading, a little here, but that is my interpretation of what he's said).
Pray every night for hope, guidance, love, peace, happiness and strength. Both for me and H.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
You are never ever ever option B....you are always option A turtle. I know that, you know that, H has forgotten. Do not forget it yourself.
I also gave myself a timeline, but more in terms of how I was going to live my life as a D person, even if I wasn't. It forced me to keep moving on the path I had started upon, because there were goals I had to achieve if I was to be where I wanted. It had nothing to do with H, or the fact that I love him, it had everything to do with me.
GTO, you've been dedicated to your H and kids for a long time. Ask yourself, who are you, really? What matters to you in life? Maybe your first goal is to come up with a dream for you to achieve. And another goal might be to be patient and kind to yourself.
Also, think about all the reasons your M is in trouble and the role you played. You can't do anything about your H's behavior except for changing your own behavior. Remember what Michelle says: we have incredible influence on our S's, whether they acknowledge it or not!
I am just reading up on your sitch, but big hugs! You seem very strong, and these situations are so tough.
I don't have much advice, as my S just started.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I am struggling to answer the question, "Who am I?" I am a mom of 3 boys. I am a wife (although that role is up in the air). I am good at my job (usually) and like what I do (usually) & it is important to me. I am part of two families that love and support me-mine & my H's.
I think an even harder question is "What makes ME happy?" I know being with my boys does. I know being a good mom does. Having good friends. Keeping in contact w my family. Exercising.
BUt, there's lots of happy things missing too. I have to think about what these are--a lot of them are things I thought were part of my life, but now are gone w H gone.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I am struggling to answer the question, "Who am I?" I am a mom of 3 boys. I am a wife (although that role is up in the air). I am good at my job (usually) and like what I do (usually) & it is important to me. I am part of two families that love and support me-mine & my H's.
I think an even harder question is "What makes ME happy?" I know being with my boys does. I know being a good mom does. Having good friends. Keeping in contact w my family. Exercising.
BUt, there's lots of happy things missing too. I have to think about what these are--a lot of them are things I thought were part of my life, but now are gone w H gone.
This is something I think we all struggle with. It is hard defining yourself as one person for years and then the lead actor has left, taken all his lines and you don't know what you are supposed to say or even act. How does one begin to create their own story?
Acting as if divorced.
That H has own life. Generally I am happy with him and our situation and wish nothing but the best for him. Although at this point, I am still hoping it is me that will be along for ride. When I act as divorced, I will not hope it is me and accept it will NOT be me.
I will do whatever I want (within reason). I do this now, but also with an eye to H and changes I have made and am still making. Although, it is beginning to dawn on me, that all the changes in me will not make H come back. These changes are positive though, and I wouldn't let them go for the world. So when Divorced in my head, I act in best interest of me and kids...no one else.
I will be happy for my children's father, sad for him if he is not doing well, but my life will not be affected to a degree that it becomes detrimental to walking my own path.
I have a timeline...:) I look forward to the D in my head, but am content to be here as well. The day I am not content, I wait it out, think about and shorten timeline if it is best thing for me.
Don't get me wrong...I have bad, doubting days...days of thinking I will never have anyone, days of imagining H having the time of his life etc etc. Days where I am so, so angry and discouraged.
But they get less and less, shorter and shorter.
Take up running...trust me. Apparently spouse leaves, must run long distance races. This seems to be MO for many a LBS and some was too!!
Hi LittleGTO, I learned that seeing H on a daily ongoing basis made it very difficult for me to detach. It took me 7mos to focus on myself and a year after that to really work on detaching.
And although I'd like to think that I finally surrendered, I continue to work on it everyday.
All I can recommend is that you continue to work on detaching. Just like forgiveness, it's a choice. As you practice it continuously, you will feel it. It may take a while or it may be sooner than you think.
Don't measure yourself by other's timeline. This is your timeline. No one here is living your sitch. We all share very similar events however everyone's sitch is unique.
It isn't until now that I can thank God for my journey. If it weren't for this experience I would not have made tremendous hurdles to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend. Not just a better partner.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
