Went over 100 posts so here's another. Last threads can be found below if you are really bored, it's been a ride. Goal during next 100 posts is to continue to work on me and really start living MY life.
Not a whole lot new to report since my last post several days ago. I'm still doing pretty good emotionally. The D interrogatories are a complete PITA but whatever, it keeps me busy at night . Seriously though I've spent a lot of the last several days deep diving my fears. It's been eye opening. I've realized that many of my actions in life (both good and bad) have been driven by a fear of something. The thing is I've honestly never thought about the outcome of the fear itself. When I look at it this way the fears themselves aren't near as scary. Heck many of my fears have come true and I honestly feel better about who I am now than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I realize the fears that have really been holding me back and stirring unhealthy emotions are just feelings that I can control. Controlling them is much easier when I think about the actual outcome. I see that no matter what the fear, I'm able to get through any outcome and will likely come out learning something and growing in some way. This is huge for me if fear can't control my emotions or actions. Hope that makes sense because to me it's been a liberating discovery (only because of these boards, not sure why I waste money on IC's ). It's a new revelation and I'm excited to see how this changes me. Already has in a couple different things.
I guess the other thing to note is lately I'm replaying discussions W and I have. I'm not beating myself up over them or anything like that, just reflecting on what was said. The real news here is last several I can recall her points and understand many of them. This is big for me. As some of you might remember, one of my real problems was listening. We'd get done with a discussion or argument and I wouldn't be able to tell you what the heck she said but I knew exactly what I said. My habit then was to wait for a moment in the discussion that I could bring up my next point and just work down my list with no real care for what she was saying (so bad I know). I think this would then lead her to shutdown because she knew I wasn't listening. Now I'm listening more and she's talking more, funny how that works. I won't lie, it's still hard for me to really understand some of it and some things I feel are just wrong but I'm making an effort not to argue them or defend myself but instead trying to understand. Still have more work to do on this but getting better. Other thing is she's starting to say "you're a lot better now", or "you've gotten much better at that recently". I guess I'll take that as a positive. Before I would be so excited for her to say anything like that, now while it's nice to hear it doesn't really affect me much because I know I'm better. It's nice not needing her to validate me anymore.
New book I'm reading is Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It basically discusses what's in my signature (don't believe everything you think) from a religious context. Mainly the spiritual warfare side. Pretty interesting read, if you're into religious themed books.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan sounds good. Listening is a must skill set to have and I am working in this area for personal growth. One thing that works for me is to stop all distractions. I will literally tell my W hold on I want to listen give me 1 second or lets pause the TV so I can listen without distractions.
Also there is a fine line. I use to defend myself but found that behavior was just fueling the fire. If there was something she said that I absolutely just did not agree with I would let her know. At the end of the day your W is telling you her feelings which are NEVER wrong because it is how she feels. So listening without speaking even if you don't agree is a good idea. It lets her speak. It is all about not reacting.
My W would tell me you don't help out around the house right after I came downstairs from folding laundry, making beds, making breakfast, taking trash out, and feeding dogs. I'm like seriously. I would defend myself and she would go to the next character flaw. You don't listen etc.. It's like they have a list they work off to justify themselves leaving.
Keep doing what you are doing. Keep working on yourself and taking the focus off her. Remember and I know it is hard. No expectations. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Detach. Detaching does not mean being an azzhole. I had a ton of trouble understanding this. Continue to GAL. Go out with friends and even GAL with kids. Do something with the kids that she would NEVER do. For me it was hiking and skiing.
Spartan, you gave me a laugh this morning because many of my conversations with H were like that-I don't care what you have to say...I HAVE A LIST!
You can also look at fear as a friend because you will always have fear and now you can see it as a signal that growth is about to occur.
I think don't believe everything you think is a great motto because a lot of what we think is a judgment of the rightness of wrongness of the actions of others.
Not our sandbox.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Spartan, you gave me a laugh this morning because many of my conversations with H were like that-I don't care what you have to say...I HAVE A LIST!
Just spit out my coffee. ME, ding ding ding!! Of all my 180s, listening is my HARDEST! I've been working on repeating exactly what he says, while he says it. Last night he was done talking. We stared at each other for about 10 seconds, and he goes "So, you have nothing to say?!" I said "No, I was just making sure you were done." His eyes bugged out "Wow, just wow. Thanks, babe!" Sometimes it's like it's killing me to listen to him without blurting out MY LIST!!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, and the fear thing. Ahhh. There is a saying in a program I go to. FEAR, False emotions appearing real. Yep, it's amazing what we can let fear control. Good for you!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Good stuff Spartan. I remember thinking thru conversations hours later, replaying in my head how I listened, what I heard, how I spoke. Part of my process and it seems, yours too.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Looking back I think the big shift in me happened when she had a PA 8 years ago and we never really resolved the hurt I felt. I've been afraid to trust her since then. At least through all this I did bring it up during one of our talks and let her know how much it hurt. Not much of a response from her but I honestly felt better and it felt like a huge weight was lifted off me. For some strange reason I felt like that helped me get over it if that makes any sense.
More parallels. My W had a sexting EA about 6-7 years ago, and we never addressed the "why did it happen" or the "how do we heal from it." We just swept it under the rug and trudged thru it. That was really the beginning of the end in my mind, because not only did I not become a better H, my insecurities became reality and I became worse. I never healed and I drove my W further and further away due to fear.
I was able to let it go thru true forgiveness. When I really did forgive my W, I noticed an almost instant change in myself. Anger was replaced with understanding and compassion, I didn't bring it up when we got into fights, my "scorecard" was erased.
Spartan, your W acknowledging how you're a better man makes a difference in the R. At least you get feedback on how your changes are being perceived. Good news!
Keep working on yourself. This is what DBing is about!
. Seriously though I've spent a lot of the last several days deep diving my fears. It's been eye opening. I've realized that many of my actions in life (both good and bad) have been driven by a fear of something. The thing is I've honestly never thought about the outcome of the fear itself. When I look at it this way the fears themselves aren't near as scary. Heck many of my fears have come true and I honestly feel better about who I am now than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I realize the fears that have really been holding me back and stirring unhealthy emotions are just feelings that I can control. Controlling them is much easier when I think about the actual outcome. I see that no matter what the fear, I'm able to get through any outcome and will likely come out learning something and growing in some way. This is huge for me if fear can't control my emotions or actions. Hope that makes sense because to me it's been a liberating discovery (only because of these boards, not sure why I waste money on IC's 
). It's a new revelation and I'm excited to see how this changes me. Already has in a couple different things.