Separated, in different states....

[Lampstand]

My personal thread hasn't shown up yet. I'm separated from H (I suggested he leave and he did) one month, we have no kids, no real reason to talk, he is in a different state, hasn't contacted me, I've contacted him 4 times. He responds in a very friendly way. Says nice things to me and XXXXOOOO stuff. I've changed my mind and want him back. Should I ask him to come home?

I told him last week I wanted a legal separation and he told me to go ahead. I only said it to see where he's at (temperature taking). But after that we've chatted twice for over an hour. I've made oblique references to our M but he never really responds. We talked about other things.

I'm very confused and I don't see how ignoring him will convince him that I'm not going to ignore him anymore (this was one of my problems in the M--I could go days without acknowledging him). I was very cold and distant.

Help???????

[MrBond]

So I don't understand. What is your marital history? According to your signature you had affairs...twice? And you were arrested? AND you kicked him out and wanted a D.

I'm not sure what you want.

[Lampstand]

I had two EA's (2011 & 2012) in retaliation to his porn habit. I was arrested for domestic violence in 2011 for breaking H's laptop (he was looking at porn). He is now in recovery for porn addiction and today I have no complaints with that. After my arrest he left to live with his parents for 2 months but wanted to come home immediately. I now believe that it was his guilt over my arrest that led him to want to come home, rather than love for me. So we reconciled in 12/2011 and he left again a month ago because I gave him an ultimatum about his behavior (not being a moral leader of the family). He took off when I was at church and just left a note. I was so hurt over that about 2 weeks ago I emailed him about getting a legal separation. He said go ahead and let's keep it easy and cheap. Since that email we've chatted twice and then I stopped that. He has expressed regret over "making snap decisions" but he's made no move towards reconciliation.

I'd like to reconcile because I do love him (even though I could never express it) and I don't believe our problems are insurmountable. The past 4 years I've just been focused on his shortcomings and trying to get him to change. I'm doing a 180 and now I want to change me.

Hope that clarifies.

[BrightFuture]

Why did you suggest to separate? Did you have any issues, arguments?

[AnotherStander]

My personal thread hasn't shown up yet. I'm separated from H (I suggested he leave and he did) one month, we have no kids, no real reason to talk, he is in a different state, hasn't contacted me, I've contacted him 4 times. He responds in a very friendly way. Says nice things to me and XXXXOOOO stuff. I've changed my mind and want him back. Should I ask him to come home?

I've read some of your posts in other threads and you've mentioned that you are a WAS. Here's what you posted in another thread:

I am a WAS who has changed her mind. I don't know what to do!!! My H is living with his parents in another state. He will communicate with me by email and IM only if I initiate. Going dark does not work with him.

Should I not be DB if I am the one who ended it?

DB'ing is geared towards the LBS, not the WAS. So if you're the WAS you definitely do not want to go dark, you want to reach out to your H and tell him you've had a change of heart. He may be giving you time and space, who knows, maybe he's even on these forums and/ or has read DR and is implementing DB'ing. He may be holding back waiting for you to make the first move. So go ahead and do it!

[AnotherStander]

Here are some quotes from other people's threads you've posted in, just trying to get all your comments together in one thread of your own. From now on try and keep all your sitch posts in this thread so we can follow your story and the suggestions that have been offered.

My personal thread hasn't posted yet. Going through a roller coaster of emotions right now. The two biggest are regret and loneliness. For most of the 4 year marriage I viewed my H as an overgrown adolescent and me the suffering parent. I never took his complaints about me seriously. I thought I was doing enough by supporting him financially while he pretending to be too depressed to work a job. He is a recovering addict so I patted myself on the back for "forgiving" him....but did I really?

My main challenge at this point is to restrain myself from chasing him. I feel such overwhelming guilt over forcing him to leave and the cruddy way I treated him.

My problem is that I was "dark" in the marriage so I am confused if that's the right strategy now. I would totally ignore him. I would pretend he wasn't in the room. I would stay up late on the computer to avoid going to bed with him. It got to a point that he quit saying good night and then I got mad that he quit!

Not making excuses but it seems that distance and darkness pushes him away.

How do I create interest and desire for contact with me without smothering him?

I'm really looking at my goals. Obviously the first one is to get him home by his BD (March). But I also realize that his love language is words of affirmation (and as a man he craves admiration) and this was the major thing I denied him. How do I know this is his language? Because it's the one he gives to me the most. It's not my language though! Mine is quality time (which is what I always gave to him through long marathon conversations). He always felt drained while I felt connected.

Since he is living out of state, doesn't want to talk on the phone, and will only communicate by email or IM if I initiate.....not sure what to do. In the past month I've had 4 contacts with him. The last 2 were IM's that lasted over an hour. He made complimentary statements about me and signed off with XXXOOO and said he forgave me already. I haven't contacted him for 3 days. I have marked on the calendar 30 days from now as the soonest I can reach out to him.

Suggestions?

I'm in the same boat--I was cold and distant in the M and I'm concerned that going dark and distancing will push him away. I tend to think a push/pull approach may work better. Since I'm the one that asked for the separation and told him to leave it's doubtful that he will ask to come back. That's not his personality. I think he will admit to wanting to reconcile only after I bring it up.

We've been apart for a month. I've contacted 4 times through email and IM. He's been very receptive but didn't initiate. He told me he is hurting. He also made it known that he is working on his spiritual life (my big complaint that made him leave).

Still trying to figure out how to work on me.

After talking to my mom tonight I see that I really do need to give H some space. I need space too but I never see it for some reason. I need to look at why every 6 months or so I tell my H to leave. This is a pattern that has been in all my R's for 30 years! I didn't realize it until my mom pointed it out to me.

Well at least now I have something to work on specifically. The past few days I've been so focused on how to convince H to come home that I've not really been looking at my junk. I'm hurt that he hasn't contacted me at all. When we were together he was always texting, emailing, following me around the house......I guess I expected it to continue even after he left.

[RegretfulLA]

Here's another one:

Regretful,

I like your post. I am nowhere near dropping the rope. My H left a month ago and is living with his folks in another state. He hasn't even called me like he said he would. In my head I know I need to GAL and move on but my heart is torn up. It's made worse by the fact that the past 3 years we were together I basically ignored him and all his attempts to love me. He wasn't perfect but he tried and I couldn't reciprocate.

Am I missing him or am I wracked with guilt?

I'd say you probably are both missing him and wracked with guilt.

Let's start by figuring out why you pushed him away... and why you want him back now. Are you really ready to be a decent W to him? Seems like you know you treated him pretty badly.

[Lampstand]

I definitely have a problem with what I call "blowing up my life" that pre-dates my M. I have yet to figure out why I do it but some clues are that my mom told me she left my father 5 or 6 times in my early childhood. I only remembered 2 of them. So I've blocked the others. But what I also remember is that when she left and took us children I remember it being a fun adventure where Mom paid attention to us and took us places, ate out in restaurants, and went to visit people. I remember leaving as 1) a relief from the stress of their R, and 2) a fun adventure without Dad messing it up. Now how that relates to my life today is that every time I threw H out I would get real close to my children and we would focus on having fun together. Sometimes we would take little vacations and eat out in restaurants we never went to with H around. And I would ease up on housework. Take a break. Not worry about being fat and ugly.

So maybe the pattern is feeling stressed out by a unhappy M and "blowing up my life" will temporarily give me space from H and allow me to spend uninterrupted quality time with my children without any guilt of ignoring H. This feels right somehow as an explanation for the breaking up every 6 months. And the childhood connection provides a template for my MO.

Now that doesn't explain, however, why I cannot show my H any love. I do love him but I absolutely cannot show it. Why??? I'm too scared. The thought of him lording it over me or controlling me makes me sick to my stomach.

We have some history here: when I was 15 and he was 20 we met through a blind date. I fell for him and it seemed mutual. We were inseparable for 2 months. But one day, out of the blue, he dropped the bomb....his high school obsession was back in town so I was out. I never got over that first rejection.

Fast forward to the present. We reconnected and got married in 2009. It's been rocky because I found out about porn addiction, he was having EA's online, still in love with other women....he wouldn't get a job because he wanted to be an "artist".......we spent tons of MY MONEY on counseling and addiction treatment. He was angry at me for a very long time. Then after my arrest for breaking his laptop (his porn tool) he started to change. After we reconciled in 2011 he became more considerate and loving towards me. He really seemed to want my love and attention. We began to have a normal sex life. But then I went crazy and started having EA's and being unresponsive......creating a block between us because he was trying to build intimacy with me. I thwarted all his attempts to connect with me. But I wanted him to keep trying, keep pursuing, keep chasing.

I'm gonna stop and give someone else a chance to talk now.

[Lampstand]

Some other bits of info that I think come into play here are that whenever I would throw H out I would feel a sense of pride in myself and would kind of "brag" about it to my mother and sister to gain their approval. Which I always get because they both hate men and always approve of me dumping someone.

The other thing is that I had a in-depth psychological profile done on myself last year and I am a "promoter" and when that personality is under stress the person creates "incidence" to relieve the tension. Some people may call it "drama" but that's not exactly the same thing. Incidence is not the same thing as trying to get attention, rather it's an attempt to create "action" and also to push others away that the person perceives as being the cause of the tension. This would fit my MO.

The MC we were working with suggested that when I feel stressed I need a plan to deal with it constructively. I never got around to it so I am still repeating the same pattern.

For me, the C suggested risky or adventurous activities to relieve stress. Things like skydiving or rock climbing would fit the bill but I have no interest. I guess I really need to look into this more closely.

[Lampstand]

This quote from MWD's article on WAW describes me perfectly:

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.