I phoned her this morning. I expressed to her that I wanted to apologize for my actions. I said that it was completely wrong of me to do something like that. I told her that she was indeed a wonderful mother and I apologiz for painting her in a negative light. I said that everything I said was literally me being mad at the situation, nothing to do with her. I asked how it made her feel, and she said that it hurt her deeply. From that point, I validated, validated, validated and more.
I had a discussion with her regarding the breakdown in our trust with each other and out lack of of communcation. She expressed the same feelings as I did. I validated, validated and mirrors her feelings. Before we ended, I asked is she would like to work with me so that we could rebuild some trust. She seemed inclined to work on it, but said it would take time and she would never be able to fully let go of the hurt I have given her
As someone who's been there and done that, I can attest, once and forget it. I know how much you want to apologize over and over, but unless she has an illness that may make her forget, like a bipolar mania episode etc, medicine w/e... SHUT UP lol.
I apologized over and over and got her so pissed off and sick of it, this is probably a main reason she doesn't approach me much anymore. Now, I haven't been here much and I can't remember if / what you may have done, or how serious it was, but I was only apologizing for small things (I didn't do any REAL mistakes) like, not being affectionate enough, not listening well and anger issues.
So yeah, I'd agree, back off and start building the trust.
Think of it this way, and you may already know, but, every time you guys have a chit chat about ANYTHING and it doesn't get awkward, you're building trust, even in that small moment. Why? Because later, she'll think "Wow, we've talked a few times and haven't griped or talked about 'things' or made me upset" or similar, ya know?
It was hard for me to grasp this concept, but it's real. So like you stated, start building that trust!
Time heals all, btw. Remember that. She may say NOW that she can "never" get past things, but time does wonders. Build trust, give it time.
I'm no pro, take what I said just as what I've experience.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
It helps to know your triggers and figuring out why you're angry is a step. Vero is also right in that anger is a mask, usually for hurt or fear. Work on being OK with those feelings and noticing when you start to be angry. Then have a mantra in your head to get through it.
Mine is something like- why am I angry? Because I'm hurting. I've hurt before and have gotten through it. I can do it now.
I get restless and want to do something, anything to take away the uncomfortable feelings-that's when I get in trouble and say or do things that are hurtful.
This doesn't happen overnight, it takes work.
But your feelings will change hour to hour. You don't have to act on every feeling you have.
Keep on keeping on.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you accidentally sent that TM to your W , who had you intended to send it to?
I think this put you behind the line to start over. I don't disagree with how you felt. But whenever you put it in writing, there is always a good chance that it will get into the wrong hands.....even if you don't send it directly yourself.
At least you owned what you did and apologized. Hope you learned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The stuff with your friend is tough, it really does mess with your PMA. I struggle with this b/c my ex-gf and I have one mutual friend (though my friend first and longer so I pray she isn't a double agent since sandi2 has a point about stuff in writing getting into the wrong hands) and she has tons of friends/family around here and some have told me stuff and some have painted me as a monster to her. If you want to talk about it with ppl you know outside of the forum make sure they are completely on your side about how DBing works, the rest, just ignore and politely tell you don't want to discuss it with them.
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6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
As far as feeling taken advantage of, it's a bad feeling and I know that one too. If you can step back and see what she contributed to the R over the years it helps calm your nerves b/c while it might not be financial in nature there could have been other contributions.
The revenge attitude...yep, I've had that too. Like now, ex-gf is working two jobs, all day most days, 6-7 days/week, hardly seeing her kids, and strapped for cash. There's this part of me that's going "great, now you see how I felt paying for everything, working 60+ hours/week while you were SAHM, and why I got so angry when the little time I had off work you didn't want to do anything with me" but it's not the right attitude. I'm refocusing in a DB manner.
What I mean is that if you have that angry attitude your interactions with your W will show it. Instead, think of it as natural consequences. Your W made a choice and will have to face that choice but it's what she's decided in pursuit of her happiness. Support her decision and perhaps ask her to have a talk about how you two need to start figuring out the finances/living situation/etc as she pursues that happiness. Not in an angry way, just a "this is business/this is reality/I'm not going to stop you" kind of way. Have that adult-to-adult conversation AnotherStander is always talking about.
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23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
The text...yes, all anger but as others have pointed out, anger is a mask for other emotions. Also, being angry at a situation and taking it out on your SO is not uncommon. In society we have to keep our cool so much, stay in control so much, put on a mask of no anger that we end up taking our anger out on our SO b/c they are the closest target. Our SO is the one we are supposed to be able to share anything with and we also know all the ways to hurt them at their core and that release (venting) feels so good for a micro-second. "Misery loves company."
In DB it's called the stranger standard. Treat our SO at least as well as we would treat a stranger.
I've also read a book that talks about a "self esteem bank account". If you have between $0-$10 in your bank account at any given time your self esteem reflects that. If you're at $10 you're at your happiest. If you're at $0 you're suicidal. So if you're at $4 and your SO is at $6, you'll temporarily feel better if you rob them of $3. Really, you're better off working on putting some savings in your own bank account.
Go to the 5LL and it's about your love tank. You can either try to bring your SO down to make yourself feel better or work on filling their love tank and most people will start to fill your tank in return.
Lastly, you might like the book Anger Busting 101 It's all about getting your anger under control in quick, effective ways and it's geared towards saving marriages.
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I know we've gone back and forth a bit on my thread SP. I wish you the best. Remember, always ask yourself, "is what I'm about to do going to take me closer to my goal or further away?" or "would I rather be right or happily married?"
I appreciate all the great advice and insight. I never really looked at my anger as a mask. It actually makes sense. I am fearful. I am hurting. I really do not want to hurt my W. On the contrary, I want to build her up and make her happier.
With that being said, she expressed that this final nail in the coffin (her actual words). I know I am not suppes to believe anything she says, but I also realize this text was a major hit to us possbible reconciling.
Any thoughts on the "ACTUAL" severity of this? I read through the texts over and over. While I do admit it was horrible, I personally don't feel that it should be a realtionship breaking deal.
I think this put you behind the line to start over.
^^^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
With that being said:
Quote:
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
Are you a mind reader? Probably not. Do you have Doc Brown's DeLorean in your garage? If you do, I'm stealing it All you can do now is move forward, learn from your mistakes, and do 180's on the anger issues.
IF she brings it up again do this:
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I said that it was completely wrong of me to do something like that. I told her that she was indeed a wonderful mother and I apologiz for painting her in a negative light. I said that everything I said was literally me being mad at the situation, nothing to do with her.
AND back it up with actions, your 180's.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
All you can do now is move forward, learn from your mistakes, and do 180's on the anger issues.