Trying to move forward

[MrBond]

"There is no doubt in my mind the SSRI messed my wife up. At a minimum they made her cold and able to drop the bomb without any show of feelings or remorse. She can now go 72 hours without seeing our 3 year old just to be with OM. 4 months ago you would have to pry our daughter from the death grip of my wife if you wanted to take her somewhere. She NEVER spent one night without her, not one day without needing to see her, hold her, kiss her. Now she is more concerned with herself."

NEWSFLASH!!! This happens to all WAS's whether they are on meds or not. And the majority of the WAS's on here are not on meds but do the same thing.

Stop the analysis. YOu may never understand why your W is doing what she's doing.

[AnotherStander]

Dewayne & SM34- I went on the same "witch hunt" of trying to discover what was "wrong" with my W. Because I had always been the perfect husband! There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me!! I researched all that crap on SSRI's and even printed out articles for my wife to read (she's been on Zoloft over 10 years). I convinced myself that if she would just go off of them then everything would be great. Little did I know she had already tried to ween off of them with terrible results.

I also researched menopause and perimenopause and countless other "reasons" my W was doing this.

All any of that did was postpone the mission I should have devoted all my attention to from the beginning- to make MYSELF a better person. To change MYSELF. To figure out what I had done wrong in the marriage and fix THOSE things. I can tell you now because my W is starting to talk to me about this, all that crap I threw on her about SSRI's did nothing but hurt my efforts to reconcile.

Every time you bring something like this up to your wife then she will think "just as I thought, he wants to blame this on me or my problems, he refuses to take responsibility, he'll never change." If you stay on this path your chances of reconciling are ZERO. Take it from someone who has been there, leave it alone and focus on real changes to yourself, changes your wife can appreciate over time. Stick to DB'ing, not blamestorming.

[SM34]

Sorry guys I didn't mean to hijack a thread or upset anyone, or post a link when I shouldn't be posting external links. I will click notify and have it removed.

25yearsmlc, I did put a disclaimer in every post that I am still working on myself because that is all I can control. I made sure to state that every single time because I am not going to be dettered from my mission to better myself.

Also I was not telling anyone how you feel or teaching you about how you are on, when taking the medication. I am so SO sorry if I offended you! I thought it was clear what I meant. 25, you had every reason to take AD and I am sure it made you feel much better and without it you would have been clinically depressed. Same with AnotherStander. I was referring to cases where the person is NOT depressed, and it is prescribed for anxiety only.

Also, AnotherStander if your wife was takingn AD for 10 years, her brain would have adjusted to the different levels of serotonin and dopamine etc.. and she would be quite normal after thta long I would think.

I was talking about people who are prescribed a massive does of AD for such a minor case of anxiety (my wife was prescrfibed 100mg of Zoloft which is the same does as somone who is suicidal, when she only complained of anxiety attacks that came and then went away within 30 mins.

I don't want to be a broken record on here, and I don't want people to be mad at me. I see my wife was acting differently within weeks of her zoloft and BEFORE BD. after BD she became even more bizarre. No one recognizes her. Her mom and her childhood bestfriend think she has been hijacked. And to read hundreds of posts of people who noticed it themselves, when they themselves were put AD is hard to discredit.

AD have been called the Divorce Pill. If you google Divorce Pill you will know what I mean.

I had my telephone coaching session with Laurie today, it was great. However, she did express great concern regarding the medication because it was so close to BD. She said they had noticed a pattern with this.

I will write a post on my thread with what was discussed so as to not bore everyone who is not interested.

Sorry again!! Starsky I will have the links removed, 25yearmlc I was not trying to teach you how you felt on the meds you took. I would do the exact same thing. Anotherstander you too!

[chatterbug]

A word of advice. Never excuse on bad behavior on something else.

It is always better to separate them into 2 issues. 2 problems. 2 things that need to be dealt with.

You will find life much better when you do not play into the victim mentality.

The drugs are an issue. Then this is one issue to overcome.

The cheating is an issue. This is one issue to overcome.

The marriage is heading for divorce. This is one issue to overcome.


3 issues to be dealt with.


Not 1.

[chatterbug]

Forgot to add.

Out of those issues. Your wife owns the drugs. You do not. You own yourself an boundary on this issue.

Your wife owns the cheating. You do not. You own yourself an boundary on this issue.

The Divorce. Well your slowly correcting your problems. Those two issues need to be addressed by your wife if there is any chance in an opportunity to work on and restore the marriage. I am sure there are a few more issues to fix as well. Since you one day hope to restore the marriage you should figure out what you like and do not like in the marriage so if the opportunity arises you are prepared.

[Dewayne]

Well, considering that I was happy as far as marriage goes, there's really not much I wouldn't be happy with if things were the norm. But since she changed after about 2 months of taking Celexa, she would definitely have to come out of her mania (that's what the dr's are calling it.) Said she has to 1, come out of her mania before we can do anything else. So that's my #1 thing. IF her mania is SSRI Induced (not triggering bipolar episode) then I have a bigger fight on my hands. If it is just a bipolar episode, we're pretty deep into a long episode. I just have to stop prolonging it. Anything that upsets her can / will prolong an episode. Since she has shown signs of crashing, I'm starting to just back off and let her crash and see what she does.

Drugs: That problem is being solved. She told me I can call her SIL and she will confirm to me if I'd like, for the simple fact she says she wished she'd stay on the drug, "it seems to have helped her" but she hasn't learned about the drug and especially doesn't think about the REASON she's on it (was NOT for depression)

In the marriage, obviously our typical boundaries will be set back in place IF we try to piece. Our typical boundaries included limited contact with any threatening individuals to our marriage or friendship. Meaning single guys that may eventually cause issues, etc. "Friends of the marriage can be friends with us" sort of thing. We had those boundaries prior.

Me? I'm nicked my anger. Taken anger tests and passed now.

Affection? I think I won't have to worry about that now. Knowing about love languages and the shear fact of missing her for months now, there shouldn't be an affection problem.

Listening? Sure, I think I got that one going strong.

Belittling her? Learned my lesson. I'll NEVER do that again. Ever. I've cried most of my tears for thinking some of the things I've said to her (wasn't near often, but few times is few too many)

As far as my side goes, that's about it.

Get her off the meds.

Get past her mania.

Then talk to see what she wants to do when she's thinking clearly.

Move on from that point.

I'm just trying to get by at this point. Btw, I posted a bit ago, and it told me I was under moderation... again. I doubt I'll be posting much if I have to keep waiting... again.

[Dewayne]

Divorce court is tomorrow. Feb 5th.

I don't think I'm gonna go, she doesn't want me to and my papers were good enough (50/50 everything) and to be honest, I can't hold myself together right now, what makes me think I'm gonna hold it together in the freakin court room.

I never want to EVER go through this again.

If I get past this, I think I'll just save up for a 72 Chevelle and fall back in love with a car. They don't leave you, they don't betray you, they don't break promises... I was fine for several years with my hot rods, why'd I have to let a g/d woman back into my life and ruin it.

No, 'im not myself tonight. coming apart at the seams.

[Dewayne]

Divorce was final today. I got on facebook and she had already changed status to "divorced" and took "I have a wonderful husband..." out of her about section.

Good gawd it hurts much more than I anticipated.

yes, I believe she's still in a mental state from her medicine but I can't help but to feel that it's still "her"

her friends and a few family still say she's not the same and acting strangely.

It's so hard to think about and deal with it, to cope. hard to think of her as "not my wife" any longer. How I have no business wondering how many condoms she has in her purse... who she's going out with, what she's doing after work... who she's talking to etc.

I have had a very VERY bad day today, and I even thought seriously about admitting myself into one of those psych clinics. I have had some very bad thoughts today...

I guess I'll come back and post once in a while... when i have something substantial to talk about.