Trying to move forward

[Dewayne]

"show her a snapshot of a Dad that would rather play with his D than a video game! You do spend time with her and play with her, right? Show your wife that. It's attractive"

I play with my daughter. 90% of the time she comes over that's what we're doing. But a lot of the time, Jo is asleep. We're talking about like 11:30 at night sometimes. She'll be sleeping and I'll watch Tv or Gaming and she wakes up sometimes when momma comes in. And if it's a movie, 9/10 times it's a Disney or Pixar animation. I spend as much time with my kiddo as I can, even when she sleeps, usually I'll turn radio on and lay beside her. I cherish all the time I have with her.

Sometimes she wants to play by herself, a trait that she only started since our split. Not often mind you, but sometimes.

One thing I would recommend though, don't "shut her down". No matter how you go abot this, it will come off as condesending and controlling. Just validate her "you seem angry and you have the right to be"....validate her and she will calm herself down. A much better approach.

I have tried validating her and she'd just remain mad and say "of course" but then go into something completely different, it went on and on. So I had to do something different, DB, remember? Stop doing what doesn't work. So I had to start shutting her down. That, has been working. This doesn't happen all the time, just sometimes she'll flip. LIke one time we were talking about the hearse and the mechanical problems and she jumped to Divorce talk like we had been talking about it for 10 min's almost in a psychotic way.

I saw a very similar situation and a veteran here told him "don't let her pull you into an argument. Shut her down and say 'i'm not having this discussion' and leave the conversation, say goodbye and hang up if you're on the phone for example" (mostly, can't remember word for word) So that's why I started doing this.

Speaking of this, on an ssri forum they said this is quite common for people in withdrawal, or when the medicine has 'pooped-out' meaning, it's stopped working as much, or at all (still affecting the brain, but no longer doing anything positive, causing 'twitches' in thought process) Her doctor agreed and also added "this is usually where we would up the patient's dose as well. Lots of times it's inside the 6-12 month period. She's been on it 8 months now.

[Dewayne]

Thanks Bond. I think I covered that in my post just now.

I do. Usually it's the times that she comes to pick her up that is late at night and she's sleeping. MOST of the time I'm even just listening to the radio, laying with my daughter. If she's awake, we're playing, doing something together.

And btw, I'm not doing this much with my daughter to show my wife anything, I'm doing it because I truly miss being with her. Something I'd never thought I'd have to deal with before. I believe most of my sadness, down days is because of this very reason. My daughter, not my wife.

[swoop]

I believe most of my sadness, down days is because of this very reason. My daughter, not my wife.

I struggle with this too. My wife has a choice not to be with me. My D doesn't. No doubt, it's sad.

It sounds like you are doing great, Dewayne. I am glad you cleared up your actions. It makes much more sense now.

[Dewayne]

Thanks.

I'm trying. I have a lot more to get "down" but I am doing what I can. I'm thinking more clearly (not crystal, but..)

Battling lonliness for one. I've always had an issue with being alone. So it's a bit harder to get use to this, but it's going.

I think that's why I spend so much time on the internet.

If i can get back into my haunted house groove, (thinking about trying again this year) I can have more to do.

[swoop]

I battle the lonliness to....my house seems HUGE and it echoes when my family isn't here. I hate that feeling.

On a side note, My D and I LOVE Halloween. We set up a fun little haunt in the yard, and we are trying to add something to it every year. I have a major penchant for building things. This year was a PVC framed zombie with a smoke machine plumbed into his mouth.

[Dewayne]

Kiddo drop off went fine. Without a hitch. She came in and stayed for about 45 minutes!

We chatted, joked a little, she told me about work etc. No "flips" but she did kinda get snippy once, but she apologized.

We were talking about Jojo and me not getting to see her much. SHe popped up and said "That aint my fault!" Then I sighed. She paused and apologized for that and said "well, I'm sorry, that was harsh. It's not my fault you can't find work yet... "

We talked about the medicine, seh swears she's weaning off.

We talked for a little bit about side effects and behavioral issues from the medicine and she said "AFter seeing the sites and listening, I believe it. But I can't help but how I feel"

She talked about how her and "jerry" are just friends, but "good" friends. Somehow, we got onto "dating" She said "Well that's what we'll do then. And TAKE IT SLOW!" It came back up later, and she said "I meant IF we start over... "

I know it's soon to talk about that but it came up. To be honest I can't even remember who brought it up, I think she did. The first time she said it.. it sounded VERY positive, I mean I was like.. "wth did she just say?" lol.

I kept cool, calm and to the point, but it didn't last long. We ended up playing Angry birds on the PS3 and laughing about it. I think that's the first time we laughed together in a while... good while.

So points are:

She verbally confirmed she's weaning off the meds.
She stayed 45 minutes.
She didn't "flip" on me.
Talked positively about starting over (as a possibility)
I didn't bring up Marriage talk or anything.
Seemed to have fun while she was here.
Actually showed a bit of emotion.

[SM34]

Sounds very positive. But, don't forget the advice from the veterans.

Continue working on yourself. Enjoy the positives but don't get ahead of yourself.

That is definitely nice that she mentioned dating again but make sure before that you get advice from those who have been there before. You don't want to blow it.

By the way, my wife was put on zoloft for sudden anxiety attracts she started having before BD. There was no OM yet and our M seemed fine. 4 weeks later her therapist doubled her dose.

Then a guy started messaging her on FB and an EA began. Within 2 weeks of doubling the dosage of the meds, she wants a divorce to be with OM.

I too looked at a lot of research regarding ssri meds online. Many MANY studies show an emotional blunting, especially towards a life long spouse. I saw a board where there were literally hundreds of posts by people who had gone through this, either as the WAS or son to be, or the LBS.

I tried to talk to wife about this and so did her mom but she said 'I am on anti depressants now. I have never seen my life so clearly. I want a divorce.'

Talk to her therapist about it, she 'evaluated' my wife and saw no medicinal response to be alarmed about. Even though in all my W sessions with her.before the meds, my W never once mentioned she was unhappy in our marriage.

But anyway, as they say on this forum, you can't change that. You can.change you, and perhaps your wife will notify.

Good luck i'm following your sitch and rooting for you!

[Dewayne]

Thanks SM34. I'll try to keep things in perspective. I have been living for me and I've been doing muuch better!

WoW! I can tel you this, since you already are ahead of the game. THe people on the AD's always seem to say that very thing! "I see things clearly now!" etc. "I like who I've become" sure, that's what the drugs are suppose to do, is take away the feelings.. why? Because that's what causes depression. "Feelings" are both good, and bad. They can't change "just feeling sad" they have to "blunt" all feelings to achieve the goal of "feeling sad" Can't fix the boat motor? It's ok, junk the boat and throw it away, you'll feel better. "Wow I feel so much better now that I don't have to fix that motor" but the kids begging to go river fishing are now hurting...

I know, crappy analogy but you get the point.

Point here is this SM! Seriously, you're definitely fighting a losing battle if your wife is on these things! They HAVE to come off the drug before you can make forward progress that's any positive. They're not thinking correctly.

My wife tonight threw a fit, started talking like we had been talking aboutt he relationship again and I was merely talking about board games! It was like someone froze time, removed her from a previous argument and put her azz right beside me and hit play! it's so unreal...

Mine's coming off, and I can start to see a little bit of herself come back.. (tiny bits)

Good luck to you and yours SM, you got a bigger fight I'm afraid of. This is more than just your relationship! Ohh, and for what it's worth, I've seen a HUGE pattern! LOTS of people are ok on the medicine (seemingly anyways) UNTIL the doctor upps the dosage! Then all he11 breaks loose. Heck, you've read the stories.

And yes, googling "marriages destroyed by ssri's" will get you that topix thread. There are MANY stories from both sides of the fence on that topic. It's heartbreaking man. And most of the time, it's within weeks to 6 months on average that ppl "flip"

[labug]

Maybe she can finally see things clearly.

SSRIs are not the work of the devil and allow many people to live happy lives free of depression.

I would suggest continuing to look in the mirror and fixing you and leave your W to fixing her.

Why would you ask her if she's decreasing her dosage?

[AnotherStander]

THe people on the AD's always seem to say that very thing! "I see things clearly now!" etc. "I like who I've become" sure, that's what the drugs are suppose to do, is take away the feelings.. why? Because that's what causes depression.

No, you've got it all wrong. A/D's do not take away feelings, depression does. Let me tell you, you never know what people are going through until you've been in deep depression yourself. Whenever I heard people talk about depression I was always like "they just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and man up." Then I went through it about a month after BD. The best way I can think of to describe it is it feels like you're dead inside, like an empty shell. You don't feel anything, just numb. Depression robs you of all emotions and you just want to cease to exist. You think you're worthless and dead already. And you have no control over it, you're just along for the ride. A/D's allow you to have feelings again.

"Wow I feel so much better now that I don't have to fix that motor" but the kids begging to go river fishing are now hurting...

When I was in depression I didn't want to do anything. The A/D's brought me out of it and made me feel like myself again. Depression keeps you from wanting to "fix that motor". A/D's make you want to fix it again, and give you joy in fixing it. Again, you seem to have things the opposite of what they really are.

Point here is this SM! Seriously, you're definitely fighting a losing battle if your wife is on these things! They HAVE to come off the drug before you can make forward progress that's any positive. They're not thinking correctly.

First of all, don't be in such a hurry to get her off of A/D's. There can be very serious side effects. My boss quit them cold turkey and went into a much deeper depression that landed him in a mental hospital for 2 months. He is now resigned to being on them the rest of his life.

Second, it's easy to let something like this be a crutch that prevents you from looking at yourself and making the changes you need to make to bring your W back. If you're convinced you just need to wait until she weens off and then your M will be fine again then I suspect you will be stuck in a holding pattern forever.