Looking at everything we have been addressing in therapy, my C, while cautious to not 'diagnose' him, is definitely leaning towards him being high functioning with BPD tendancies. The question I am dealing with now is how I want to live my life from this point forward? Do I want to be walking on eggshells with him so I don't trigger a response? Do I want to constantly be dealing with some manifested drama? Do I want to be the one that has to hold everything together and know that I may not be able to rely on him to carry me when I need to be able to lean on someone else?
Looking back over our relationship, this is what I have been dealing with. Co-dependence. Eggshells. Altering my behavior to make his life easier. And that's fine when there is an equal balance. But there isn't. And I'm tired. The whole thing is overwhelming.
We are still in C. I haven't made any decisions either way yet. I'm still in my own self discovery phase. I am just know realizing how much his A impacted me emotionally, how it stirred the pot of regressed anger that had been pushed down deep inside, remnants of my childhood sexual abuse. My H's A triggered the feelings of betrayal of a trusted loved one on the most primal of levels for me.
I do love him. and that's what makes all of this so hard. And that's why I am not making any decisions but just keep working on myself and working together in C.
Melting, unfortunately my answer is not M friendly.
I personally could not live like that any longer. I know WHY I stood for my M as long as I did, yet I really could not live like that. It was killing me and possibly would have been more harmful for my kids than me leaving.
I still sometimes think that I would consider R, and then I realize what I dealt with, which was boarderline abuse from my stbx. Well, that's how I'm currently stating it, although others are much more quick to label her behaviours to me as abusive.
I think I fooled myself when I asked her to M, as I thought I was equipped to deal with it all. Yet, I could not. Although I would likely still be with her. I say it's because an A is really a deal breaker, although I just realized typing this, that I could just be using that as justification to no longer stand, blaming her, when in reality, I just didn't want to be with her any more, so that seems like a good excuse to leave.
Anyhow, I'm digressing and I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you give up. I DO think that there are ways to deal with it, most importantly being clear and enforced boundaries.
Keep standing and keep working on yourself. There's no guarantee in life, yet if you feel you haven't made every effort, then don't quit, yet.
And also remember that, your next step would be LRT anyhow, if it came to that. So you'd still not be done.
KD, Fortunately, we maintain seperate bank accounts and households (I bought the house I live in now a few years before we started dating). So, there is no financial dependancy that ties me to this relationship. We are both successful and were established independently before marrying each other.
I love him. I do. And the good times are good and I feel loved and safe, but when he is irrational and in that state...it is becoming too much for me to take. I have been detaching from his outbursts, setting boundaries and no longer taking things personally. I recognize that his behavior has little to do with me and everything to do with his lack of coping skills and learned manipulation. Like I said, as long as he continues with counseling, I will stay in this. But, I am also making contingency plans for myself.
Bond, I had been in intense counseling for myself for my own issues, both individual and groups primarily in my early thirties, when I finally cut ties with my family. I actually hadn't gone for a few years as I had felt like I had a good handle on my life and how I approached things. But this A of his just threw me for a loop. I have been in weekly individual counseling since November of last year when I found out about it. I'm a work in progress, but I am painfully aware of my own issues that I have to work on.
H asked me to go to his counseling appt last night with him. He then disclosed more information about more affairs during that time, dating two women at a time (sex with both) and meeting women at bars, sexting others. I am just utterly heartbroken again, I had begged him to tell me everything when we got back together. I told him I needed to deal with all of the ugliness at one time and that I never wanted to feel this way again or find out new things in the future. He promised me at the time he was telling me everything.
Yesterday he told me that he wants us to move forward and really heal and for that he needed to tell me everything. And he did (or at least he said he did...again). Even told me one of them texted him a few weeks ago and he communicated back and forth with her for a bit. My head is spinning. It feels like he ripped a scab off my heart and I'm bleeding all over again. He said he didn't tell me then because he didn't want to hurt me more than he already had. I think it's BS.
I don't know what to believe anymore. Is this all there is? Should I even be giving him a third chance? With all of these other issues that have been raised? His BPD tendencies, possible sex addiction...it's all so much.
I really feel the whole fool me once, fool me twice thing here. Except is this fool me three times? And what kind of idiot am I to put myself back in this situation again?
Is this really him hitting the point where he knows there can be no more secrets...I don't know if I can ever, ever trust him again. I was getting there, rebuilding that, and then this happens. I wonder if I should move out of piecing and start a new WTF section for those in a black hole.
Why am I having a hard time staying angry? I was furious yesterday. I'm still really angry that he wasn't honest up front and beyond furious that he was texting one of them recently. But I'm letting him explain himself. I'm finally getting to ask all the questions I ever wanted and he's finally answering them all, no push back, no hesitation and as far as I can tell, truthfully? But I can't even guarantee that anymore without that trust there.
But why am I not calling the attorney and ending it now that he has admitted everything else, the length of time, the other women? I feel like I'm back at that place I was in November, just with slightly more control
Let me just tell you that what you and your H are doing is perfectly natural and all part of the process. He is giving you what they call "trickle truths". It's like a person coming off an addiction. They need to have a fix every now and then before they quit cold turkey.
The key to keeping him on track is to establish firm boundaries. Once he realizes you mean business, you'll find out that alot more of the truth will come out. Once he hits bottom, your H will be back.
The question is whether or not YOU will want him at that point. It will get rougher but not impossible.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, it's been a few months since I have last checked in here so thought I would pop in with an update.
Things were up and down for awhile and then they just were down. Long story short, I was becoming the receptacle for all of the anger my H had for his father, for his unhappiness in life, for everything that I had together that he just didn't. He was resentful, irrational and could be mean. And I was done.
I was done being the doormat, done walking on eggshells, done being the chameleon to keep him happy. It was killing me. I was stressed, depressed, exhausted and no longer felt anywhere close to the person I used to be. So, I asked for a period of no contact. And, I felt 25 pounds lift off of my shoulders. I no longer had to worry about him or make sure he was ok or be afraid to breath wrong. I was FINALLY detached from this codependant cycle we were living. I missed him at times, but I didn't miss the emotional stressors that had been dictating my life.
We had tried a period of trial separation previously, but I knew I wasn't ready then. I was anxious about him and other women, anxious about him leaving, anxious about everything really. But, I had finally reached a place where I didn't care anymore because I had totally lost myself within this challenge to save my marriage. Now, if he chooses to take a different path, that's on him and it was better for me to be out then stuck spinning in the 'what if's". Now, i am truly living my own life and I am finding happiness again. I'm remembering who I am.
We had our first joint counseling session this week since we went no contact and, I walked in feeling one way and left reconsidering things. I was really ready to end things at this session, with enough distance and clarity that it brought, I had decided to choose my health and happiness finally. I was expecting more of the same from my H when we went. But I was completely thrown for a loop.
Sitting next to me was a man on the path to truly finding himself and truly understanding how I had felt and what I deserved in life, and how he had not provided that for the past two years. He had joined a group for families of those who had committed suicide and it appears he has finally found his center, clarity and realized all of the crazy feelings he was having were normal and there were others who could relate. He has been asked by the group to become a counselor for others and it really seemed to be something that was helping him find his rational self again.
At this session, I finally said all the things that I had been holding back for fear of chasing him away. I finally shared all of my needs in a relationship, who I was, how I had lost myself and how that had made me feel. He also finally really heard me. It was truly unexpected.
We are continuing with the NC and have another counseling session scheduled in a month. I was ready to finally walk, but now I am back to sitting tight and not making any decisions. I've seen progress with him before and I've also seen it regress. So, I need to protect myself and keep finding my own way, and then see if our paths were meant to merge again in the future.
I'm proud of him and his growth. But I'm more proud of me for finally recognizing my worth and realizing that the healthiest thing for me was to just finally let go.
I was so glad that you posted on my thread and really glad to see your update. It is really good to hear you sounding so strong. I remember how tough those first few weeks after his move were for you.
You should definitely feel proud of yourself. We come here so bruised, battered and broken and lost. But we do begin to find ourselves again.
None of us know what the future will hold. My xSO is back in contact after months of NC. I never saw that coming.
As long as I am not buying into the drama I will probably let this play out. It sounds like your H has at least peaked your interest enough to leave the door cracked open, too.
There is nothing wrong with options.
Take care of you and do drop in with updates when you can. I know life gets busy. I don't get to post as much either but I have found this experience very cathartic for me. A little bit of stepping out of my protective shell which is something different for me.
