She called later that night and we talked for about 10 minutes. Basically, I told her it was too difficult to try to be friends with her. The door was always open for her to come and see the kids. If there was an emergency, she could call me anytime, but that was all I could offer her. If she was choosing to leave, then I needed time to heal without talking every other day. All in all, it went well. She kept trying to get angry at me and I just kept saying that I understood how she felt and let her talk. I got blamed for a lot of things that never actually happened, but I listened and I think it went well.
Well done! Sounds like you defused the situation when she tried to elevate it and you also did a nice job of validating her emotions. I think you also did a good job of setting some boundaries regarding being friends. In my sitch it was too difficult to be friends with W right after she left, but after a couple of months we were able to get back to that point, so I think you're right that you just need some time to heal.
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So we talked for a bit and I helped her carry stuff to her car. She was angry that I packed her stuff (She has been a bit of a hoarder since her mom's death and has ALOT of stuff.) It was about 20 boxes just from our room and bathroom and she's already made 3 trips. But, I told her that we needed the space because our daughter had moved back in and is pregnant.
Good. You need the space, you did what you needed to do- packed her stuff up and told her to get it. The fact that it made her angry is not your problem, it's hers.
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I worry that there is no hope for us, but I feel like there's hope for me.
I think the turning point in DB'ing for all of us is when we finally realize that we truly will thrive in life whether with or without our spouse. That realization brings you power over your own destiny, it restores your self-esteem and confidence. Ironically those can be the very things that draw the WAS back. So don't give up hope just yet
Well, the cruise was awesome. I felt so strong after not talking to her for a week. Then, she came to see the kids today. Things were going well, I was being pleasant. We laughed a bit. We finally went over my son's paperwork and I can send it to the lawyer for revision now.
Then, she wanted to talk about marrying him. She says he wants to do it soon, like in a month or two. She wants to also. She feels bad because we were together 14 years and never married, but she wants to get insurance for her and the kids. I think that is just a way to justify so quick a marriage. I told her to think about it because the kids haven't even met him yet, but we'll see.
After talking with her, I was drained. It was all I could do not to break down and cry in front of her. I told her that this was the last time we could talk like this. If she wanted to get married, I wanted her to be happy and she should do what she thought would make her happy. I told her to be careful and take time to really think about it, but she seemed like her mind was made up.
I then told her that from now on, when she came to visit, I would be gone. I couldn't keep seeing her if I was going to move on. It feels like all the progress I've made was wiped away. I feel better now that it's been a couple hours, but any hope I had was ripped away. And, it's too hard to detach if I keep seeing her.
I certainly don't feel ready to drop the rope, but I'm afraid if I don't, I'll just keep get dragged around. I know in my head that I'll get by and recover in several months, but my heart just won't listen. For now, I'll just go dark I guess. I don't know what else to do and it will probably be best for me.
I can't believe this is happening so fast. 2 months ago we were making love and talking about getting married this summer, 2 months from now she'll be married to someone else.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
Not much new to report. She texted me yesterday to say she wasn't coming down. She had planned to but said she was emotionally and physically drained. It was easy to be empathetic to that. I just texted back that that was fine and to let me know when she was coming.
She texted an hour ago to say she was coming to take our daughter to exchange a bedspread and then she wants to see our son. I just said OK. It's so hard not to want to talk more and I'm apprehensive about the visit even though I plan to be at the bookstore. So, I'm typing. She is supposed to get more of her stuff each time she comes, but I'm not sure she will if I'm not there. I think I'll just wait and see if she takes anything and if not, maybe send a reminder text to get some boxes next time.
Not seeing her feels like I'm giving up, but if she is going to marry him, I don't see another option.
On the plus side, I've now lost 35 pounds and have continued to work out or go for a walk everyday, even on the cruise. I see my kids more than I ever have and I've been going out with friends 3-4 times a week. Outside of the relationship, my life is better than it has been in years and I weigh less than anytime in the past 5 years.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
On the plus side, I've now lost 35 pounds and have continued to work out or go for a walk everyday, even on the cruise. I see my kids more than I ever have and I've been going out with friends 3-4 times a week. Outside of the relationship, my life is better than it has been in years and I weigh less than anytime in the past 5 years.
On the plus side, I've now lost 35 pounds and have continued to work out or go for a walk everyday, even on the cruise. I see my kids more than I ever have and I've been going out with friends 3-4 times a week. Outside of the relationship, my life is better than it has been in years and I weigh less than anytime in the past 5 years.
I can relate to this. Althoug a tad bittersweet, it does feel great, and I'm glad you have a handle on yourself.
Haven't read your sitch before so I'll catch up. Keep on!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Yeah. It's good to know that I'm going to come out the other end a better person, but still, bittersweet. I'm just thankful that my kids are OK and that I'm OK. Disappointed, but OK.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
Not seeing her feels like I'm giving up, but if she is going to marry him, I don't see another option.
It's not giving up, it's giving her (and yourself) time and space. Both of you need it.
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On the plus side, I've now lost 35 pounds and have continued to work out or go for a walk everyday, even on the cruise.
The Bomb Drop Diet is crude, but very effective, LOL! That's great about the exercise, I promise you the BD diet is NOT forever. You will get your appetite back, so work on your fitness regime and a healthier diet now to keep those pounds off permanently.
Yeah, I'm already getting hungry again. I was hoping that side effect would last a bit longer, lol. But, I'm definitely healthier now than I was.
I know it's not giving up, and I know that seeing her everyday would get me nowhere, but letting go was hard. However, since I've decided to let her go, I have been feeling better. I hope that someday she'll realize what she left and consider returning, but I also feel like I'm more in control of my own future. (As much as you can be with 3 kids). And, I don't spend all my free time obsessing. Some of it still, but not all and not even most.
At this point, I would be happy if she just spent more time with the kids, especially our youngest. But, that is her issue and I'll let her deal with it. I'll just keep leaving the door open so she can come and see them when she wants and be there for them when she doesn't.
BTW, she cancelled coming down Tuesday again. She texted me and said my daughter had plans so she wasn't coming down. When I got home my daughter was there and she was pretty ticked since she waited all day for her mom who told her she didn't come because she didn't feel good. So I cancelled my Frisbee golf plans and let her borrow the car to get out for a bit. I went for a long walk instead. I don't understand why she lied to me about why she wasn't coming, but I just ignored it and listened to my daughter complain without taking a side.
She did make it yesterday, though she didn't text when she left which is kind of annoying because I won't know when to come back, but I was out with friends and she was gone by the time we were done anyway so no big deal. I'll just reminder her next time she comes.
She's also texted me everyday since I told her I needed a few months without seeing her. Once about Easter plans and once about some new video game my son was playing, a few other minor things. I just answer her questions and don't try to further the conversation. I'm doing my best not to read into that and to just stay my course.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
Just a quick update since it's been almost 2 weeks. I have barely spoken to her and haven't seen her in 2 weeks. She has only been down to see the kids twice, but we finally got the custody paperwork finished, now we just need to meet to sign it. It's hard to see a path back from here, but I'm in a much better place.
I am still working out, but didn't go this weekend. I sort of took this weekend off from doing anything and just read and hung out with family and friends. It was a good weekend. Back to working out today though. I'm still eating healthy and I feel better; I'm not sad all the time anymore.
I wish I had more news, but I feel like it will continue on this path for months before any real changes happen.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
Hi Mileus, it's the best news possible that you're taking care of yourself and not sad all the time.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
