Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

I haven't posted in ages and my topic is kind of "big" to me and something I've struggled with for a long time, and so I'm starting a new thread. Not even going to post the link to my old one because so much time has passed. Bear with me if it takes me long to explain...I'm kinda wordy ;-)

But my main question that I think I've struggled with now for really 3 years plus is this: is it even humanly possible to drop the rope to the XH or XW in MLC? I mean, 100% drop the rope, sever the emotional tie, NOT meaning you don't love the person anymore, of course, NOT meaning you forget them, but that you STOP having some tiny little sliver of hope that they come out of their MLC, that all the trauma, separation and divorce and aftermath was there for a reason, the reason being that it was to bring you back together sometime in the future as better people?

When I first went to therapy, my therapist identified several well-ingrained "beliefs" in my head. One was monogamy for life, which I held as a belief or goal not because of religion or faith but because it was something I told myself I HAD to believe in, because it was "right", and she helped me to see that I could not punish myself because my spouse broke that promise, that I had to move on and be open to possibilities of relationships with others. I believe now that was something I learned and internalized, and I have now changed that belief system to be open to an intimate relationship with someone else.

There are other "beliefs" I carried very strongly and she really showed me that I could change my beliefs to accomodate a new life for myself.

But the one belief that she said I was most hampered by was my "belief in fairy tale endings", so to speak, my belief that things will always work out in the end, that my XH was this magical being "meant" to be with me for my life, and that when he left, the universe was somehow askew, awry, and that things won't be "right" again until he goes through his crisis and returns.

Now I'm not saying I don't have a great life, I do, and I'm single and very happy with myself and my identity. And I'm not saying that I "need" him on a conscious level. And If I met someone who really clicked with me, where there was instant chemistry, I'd explore a relationship with someone else, most definitely. I already did this last March, when a chance meeting turned into a 6 month relationship with a new person that I have since ended, since I wanted something more than what this person was capable of giving, and I'm happy with that decision and don't have ill will towards that guy. It was a good growing experience.

But what still shackles me, I feel, to this day, and what shows no signs of leaving my head, is the "feeling" that my XH is at some point going to come out of the MLC. Oh he'll come kicking and screaming, of course, and I feel that unless OW dumps him, he'll cling to her like a piece of driftwood in a storm. But I don't think he's happy. Just things I hear. And his friends are starting to turn on him, from what I hear. And his coworkers are finding him incorrigible again. And over Christmas break, he went on a trip to a place that had great meaning for he and I alone, and he didn't take OW, and he posted a picture of this place on his FB wall.

Not sure what to make of that, and I'm not TRYING to make much of that, but regardless, I'd still feel the same even if that hadn't transpired.

I can't drop the rope.

I've felt compelled for a long time to write a novel about he and I. I've never written fiction before, and frankly it's not fiction, it's all real, with names and details changed, but the story is the same. But I feel like I want to write our story because in my own mind, at least, I want to remember him for the person he was for 95% of the marriage, not the evil crazy alien of the last 5%. It's actually making me feel good about him again to think of the early stuff, and to prove to me no I'm not crazy, he WAS a good guy.

And to balance it all, I'm also working on a second novel, one about the trauma and my recovery. So it's not like I'm looking at him or the situation with rose-colored glasses, I'm really seeing it all for what it is. And what I see is that it was IMPORTANT that we broke up, that he ended things, important and vital for MY growth at the very least, that he betray me. So it's like I've come to accept so much of everything.

But I also feel like I can't "close the chapter" on him. And I wonder if that is a bad thing, if it's stunting my growth as a person, if it's holding me back from living my life.

I can't stop thinking optimistically about his chances for redemption. I'm either an optimist or I'm nuts. I mean I see all sorts of exes on this board who never come out of it, who never get their heads right, or if they come out of it a bit, the LBS has moved on and is with someone else and is happy.

I don't feel I want to put energy into "finding" someone else. I'd rather be single and content than in a half-pleasing relationship just for the sake of having a man. I have far too many girlfriends who settle and who are miserable. Most of the time I don't even miss not having a spouse anymore. Being alone is more "normal" to me by far than being coupled.

But like I said, if someone fell into my lap, I'd consider it.

But with that said, I just keep wondering if I'm supposed to be actively trying to drop the rope to him. I pray a lot anymore. I've prayed for years to just give me strength to get through this, to take care of myself. Then I started adding to that that I pray that my XH comes out of his MLC and finds himself. But now I'm starting to wonder should I be praying for help to sever my emotional tie to him? Should I be praying for help to drop the rope? Because no matter how much I grow and change and move on with my life, I am hampered by the gut feeling that this is something that I need to come to terms with.

And that makes me wonder if what I'm trying to do is humanly possible, is it possible to leave that marriage and relationship ENTIRELY in the past, and make a solid wall between it and the present? Or is it always going to be a part of who I am for the rest of my life and I just have to live with that?

For those of you in relationships post-divorce, have you dropped the rope to your exes? Is there any small part of you that ever wishes that you would be reconciled with him or her? Do you just accept that it's human nature to wish for that and then move on with your life anyway?

[job]

Antonia,
It took me 3 years to drop the rope. I have never thought about reconciling w/my xh. In my situation, my xh was completely off the wall and did a lot of damage pre divorce and it completely showed me the even darker side of him. We communicate periodically now, and it's just like talking to a neighbor. I do not find myself attracted to him, nor do I particularly care for the person he is today, i.e., still very selfish and self-absorbed. One might say that he never left MLC land. I never had any hope of reconciling w/him so long ago.

There will always be bits and pieces of the former marriage in your life. For example, music you shared, places you visited, friends that you shared, etc. But, I have found that eventually you will get to the point that your life is so different from what it once was and the person you are today is a different and better person, you tend to look at things differently. At least that was the way it was for me.

If my xh were to ask me today about reconciling, I would just look at him and say absolutely not. We both have changed so much in the 13 years that have come and gone.

I hope my posting helps you.

[AntoniaB]

Thank you, Snodderly, for your reply. The more removed I get from the past, the more I do see certain "dark" elements of my ex that were always there that were strongly outweighed by the good elements. Really what his MLC did was to make the parts of him that were negative sporadically become the sum total of the personality he now shows to the world. People still in contact with both of us describe him as a caricature of the bad elements of his old self.

In my mind, I became a caricature too...in the final years of the marriage I was plagued by indecision and low self-esteem and constant anxiety. I lived in fear all the time. I was not happy and had serious identity issues. The difference between us is that I inwardly fell apart and never would have abandoned the marriage the way he did, or turn to another man. But I know I wasn't the best wife to live with, either.

So I guess I think if I could make such strides and become this whole new person, confronting my demons and such, in 3 years' time, well then so could he. And I get hung up on that, I think.

I guess in the end as long as I'm not saying "no" to possibilities, it's "ok" if I still "stand", because on some level, that's what this is, isn't it, I'm still standing even if I don't necessarily think I should be. It's not fear that holds me back from totally detaching, it's hope that he can turn it around. And honestly sometimes I think even if he turned it around, I have NO CLUE if I'd even be attracted to him anymore or enjoy him anymore. He might really not like the new me either!

Maybe I'm trying to create a definitive "end" before it's time. Maybe some other big fish in the sea will jump in my boat and displace his energy, ha ha. I'm at 3 1/2 years from our initial separation but only 2 years divorced next week, so maybe it's too early to be seeking a resolution to this.

But thanks for your reply, it helps, and if anyone else wants to chime in on this, please do.

[Cadet]

Antonia

I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal.
This coming October I would have been married 30 years.
I have read all sorts of different time schedules for how long it should take to recover, from one month per year to half of the time that you were married.

My time line is very similar to yours as my BD was May 2009.
I would never want to be married to my MLC wife.
But I think I would still be attracted to the person that I married 30 years ago.
I am no longer letting the thoughts control my actions.
Getting on living my life without them.

So is the standing part that I am not letting someone else into my heart?
Maybe that is what I need to work on.
I know I am still not ready to date and go back to pursuit again.
When the time is right I will make that change.
Not sure when that will be.

Your ex is still in crisis, and the crisis starts long before BD.
So to measure what they were, and what could be, by a person in crisis is not correct IMHO.
However they must PROVE that by their actions.
No one here wants to be in a relationship with someone in crisis.

Thats my .02

[job]

Antonia,
I think you are rushing your own healing. The end of this chapter in your book of life has still a few more pages to go. I do agree that you may be looking for a definitive end and it's just not there yet.

Give yourself the gift of time and do not try to rush the ending of this chapter. Everything will fall into place. There is an old saying around here that I use periodically and it is "you are right where you are suppose to be at this time". I truly believe that saying and it applies to your situation as well.

Be kind to yourself. You still have a lot of growing and self discovery to do and when your "inner self" is healed, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how strong and determined you are to make your life better and the world around you.

Take care.

[Kimmerz]

Antonia,
Things you said stuck a cord with me.

I too have wondere if Im a little attatched to fairy tale endings. I've really been working on that, and still am.

Though Im moving on, I do still entertain thoughts of how nice it would be to back with the " good" XH. I think that's been a real hurdle for me even when we were still married and things were still bad. I kept holding out for some miracle or change in him because he changed alot like your XH. All the dark parts of his personality that only showed it's ugly face from time to time were steadily taking over. It started before his head injury but got 10 times worse after. I prayed and prayed. I did everything I could to try and turn this around. I read every relationship book I could get. However it wasn't until I started reading on MLC and some personality disorders/issues did I finally start understanding what I was really dealing with. Then I realized I was trying to apply normal techniques to a VERY ABNORMAL SITUATION. Not the right formula!

I've come to this conclusion. We all loved our MLC spouses deeply and have had long term relationships with them. Eventually we start to disengage from that old life and work into our new life, but it surely doesn't happen overnight. If after we do all our "work", and we still have feelings then all that shows is how deeply we loved them all along. It's ok to still love them and lord knows these MLCers need all the prayer they can get. However I think the most important thing to be clear on is whether or not another relationship with them would be healthy and fullfilling.

It doesn't sound like your XH is doing all that great and he's still in crisis. Same for mine. What satisfaction would that bring either of us if we got involved with them again? I want good things for my XH as I know you do too. Of course they chose this path and have to deal with the consequences just as we have, though this surely wouldn't be what we chose.

I've tried pushing my healing too. So that's where I realized I just need to be comfy where I am now, and just take things as they come. I pray for XH, but accept he's got one hell of a row to hoe now, and quite frankly I think Im the one getting off easy now. Same for you Antonia.


It's 5 a.m. and Im rambling... think I meant to be more precise, but not sure if It came out that way! Hope you have a great day!

[AntoniaB]

Cadet, Snodderly, and Kimmerz, you so get what I'm talking about. Thanks so much for your insights!!!

Cadet what you said about how you would not want to be married to your ex but you would still probably be attracted to the person she was hit the nail on the head. Not even in my wildest fantasies do I picture myself MARRIED to him again. If I could have what I wanted entirely, I think I'd be in a committed relationship with him and we might retain two homes!!! That's how used to living alone I've gotten! (The guy I had the 6 month relationship with was very "easy" to be around and we could spend 24-48 hours together, but that was my limit, and then I strongly wanted him to go home so I could have my space back!)

Of course I don't actually see me ever getting married again. I have talked about this a lot with a close friend and both of us right now are sort of so independent and fulfilled without partners that we don't even see what a partner would bring to our lives that we couldn't obtain ourselves or through friends and family.

And that brings me to Kimmerz's point about how these guys are still in major crisis mode. Even if the replay stage is possibly winding down, there is still so far for them to go. The severity of my world shattering is what FORCED me to change very quickly to survive and take care of myself. I think maybe with MLC that unless they receive a ginormous shock to the system, they are not forced to move through the changes as fast as we were. It might take him 6 years to do what I did in 3.

So even if the guy were to come waltzing back into my life, it would be a major threat to my sanity and the strides I've made. It's funny my horoscope for today said this very thing, that there is something I'm wishing for strongly because my passion overrides reason, and that what I'm wanting would not be good for me. In fact a friend just emailed me the other day and said "be careful what you wish for."

I think I'm going to take everyone's advice and just sort of rest in the knowledge that it's ok to not drop the rope till I'm emotional capable of it, but to put more energy into just being ok with where things are and in continuing to move forward alone since I'm really happy in that place. Perhaps it is my wanting to resolve things that is making me focus on him instead of on me. Thanks!!!

[AJM]

Something else to consider, Antonia. The ego was bruised, battered, and otherwise molested in all of this. Somebody once said that they'd rather be alone, than be left alone. I know why they said that - ego. But I read your posts and I suspect that part of this is that you do want that happy ending. You also are yearning for closure. I think that's a good thing and it will happen when you're ready. If you rush it, you'll regret it I'm pretty sure.

But you also remember the good times. How is that important? I think it's important that you "want" something. The idea that you want it from xh is just a by-product I think. You remember the good times, and that's a good thing, but as you're looking for something new, you're remembering the old. That's kind of how we learn, no? We learn from experience and the old good times are a frame of reference. Kind of like how we determine "normal" for our lives - we base it on what we know from experience.

I think it will take time and some effort let go the rest of the way, but at the same time, what are you letting go of exactly? I think in your case, it's the desire for him to come through it and for you to see it. Closure. But I also think if he were to come walking back to your door, you'd go the other way as well. The memories are good, but the present is not something you really want. Put another way, you can go home, but you can't go back

It takes time, Antonia. It really does. I would love for you to write that fiction. I think it would be great and I think it would be helpful to you and probably others. I think it may help with the closure so to speak. But you'll always have those memories - and that's a good thing.

You have the right idea. Put more focus on other things and you'll take care of dropping the rope (or expectations) at a later date.

For me, I still wonder if I have completely let go. I suspect not. I like the fairy tale endings too. I articulate that as, I hope she has a great life and does well. I hope she heals herself to a point that it works for her. But I also do not need to see the outcome. I'm not interested in talking to her, but I do remember the good times. I do remember that there was once a lot of love there. I smile at the old pictures and memories. I would not even entertain the idea of opening the door if she knocked on it. It's way past that time for me. I still have PTSD like symptoms when I do have to communicate with her, but now I see that for what it is.

Time and effort and letting go of the outcome. That's my hope for a peaceful life for me. I'll let you know how that works

AJ

[beatrice]

This is interesting. I think that Antonia is on to something important here that isn't quite a question of time or will or positive thinking.

We tend to be explainers and reductionists here. Ego, time, preoccupation with happy endings. These are all stories we tell ourselves. And they help, and they are partly true. However, when a marriage or relationship that was amazing at some point, ceases to exist, it leaves a turmoil of debris and pain. It is more than bruised ego, more than the passage of time to put right. Gradually we put ourselves back together, and become someone else. For some this is 'better', for others 'different'. Others say it was 'for the best' and they discoovered who they truly were. Why can we not also allow that what has happened to at least some of us was a tragedy, as surely as if our spouses fell under a bus?

I seldom post now, and my life is good, but I know that something terrible happened to my life a few years back, and although I have 'moved on' some of the fallout from the destruction will always be with me. How could it not be for anyone who truly loved and lost?

[LoisB]

I agree Bea.

A close friend of mine had a tragedy five years ago. Her alcoholic husband was drunk and high and careened out of control on his motorcycle. He has since been paralyzed from his C2 vertabra down.

Since all this has happened, my friend and I have reconnected. There's something about going through such a severe life trauma that connects people. I'm not comparing our situation to an accident necessarily, but I see how our situation also came suddenly and turned our lives upside down.

I used to feel embarrassed and hurt for people who had to survive situations like mine. Now, I feel incredible awe and inspiration when I hear of another family surviving a similar sitch. I don't know why God threw this mountain in our path.

I agree, though, that this was a tragedy.

Heather