Time for me

[Devistated77]

Spartan....WoW I just read your first posting and it hit home. Very similuar sitch. Married out of HS for 15 yrs, I like to talk out issues right away and move on ,and she stonewalls and is emotionless to a degree. Her parents are to thank for this..Her and I are definetly opposites but I always felt we made a great team that way. I found an EA 10 yrs ago and she felt bad and admitted it to me. It took me a couple years to regain trust of her but i figured I had to to move on.

Now years later I think her "love tank" was empty due to my not filling it the way I should have. She felt she had to go elsewhere to get it filled. I needed this 2x4 I guess. At least weather it with this R or another I wont let that happen again!!
I also fear that she feels too guilty and ashamed to try to make it work with me right now. She knows I don't deserve that and wants me to be with someone that won't do that to me(she has told me). Right now I think its easier for her to walk away and built a new house than rebuilt the existing one with "good" bones. Sorry I'm in construction:)

But back to your sitch I'm pulling for you! Sounds like she may be coming around but don't get your hopes up. Cause we both know by now the roller coaster ride up is great but the downside is a real B#@ch. Give it time and keep doing what your doing. I have my fingers crossed for you!

[labug]

I think the hardest thing for me to get over is how W is with kids now.

Try not to judge her, you still want a R with her, right? That means there will have to be some forgiveness, right? Let go of wanting to control the R between her and the kids; work on you.

I've always thought of her as supermom and believed her kids were most important thing to her but I'm struggling believing that right now.

Do you really think the kids aren't important to her? Maybe she got tired of being Supermom, it's pretty exhausting especially if she felt she was alone in it. Were you Superdad?

She's still doing the school functions and activities but I thought her emotional coldness she has would never extend towards kids. I never want her and kids to not be close or have a good R.

Again, something you can't control.

Detach.

[JuneReN]

Maybe she is just figuring out now that the kids don't come first...she does. If you are not good to yourself you can't be good to others.

It's really hard to redefine your place when it was defined for you for so long. Not necessarily by you, but by expectations and society and what we expect of ourselves as well.

Trust me, the kids are so important, they really are to her, but I think she is struggling to balance and some things get tossed around in the fray until everything is calm again.

[Spartan]

Time to go dark.

She went to her IC yesterday and told me he agreed with her that kids were probably just in a phase and it's not divorce (guessing she heard what she wanted but it doesn't really matter). I disagreed and then it got bad. She wrongly accused me of pretty much anything she could think of to try and hurt me. She said kids are too young to be impacted by D and she doesn't believe kids have asked any questions and I'm just making it up. She followed that up saying only reason kids would come to me is because I'm probably bringing it up to them. I told her she was very wrong on this stuff and until we can figure out a way to discuss it I wouldn't bring it up again. I reminded her we told the kids they can talk with either mom or dad about anything they wanted and I hadn't initiated any talks. I told her I'd prefer that they talk with both of us because it's not easy on me. Told her anytime they've asked me anything I've always talked her up and made it seem like the D is a mutual agreement between us. She also said she doubts that and knows I'm telling kids bad things about her (I never have and never will). I asked her for an example and she didn't say anything. I said it made no sense for me to look for these talks with kids all the time like she says because having these discussions and holding them while they cry is killing me but she didn't believe me and kept going. I so wanted to say the reason they don't reach out to her is she's never emotionally been there for them but I didn't (I know blaming and judging her but she really hasn't). She even said the only reason I did website and help her with charity was to use it over her head someday. This was randomly thrown in by her in middle of kids talk and I know in my heart that is completely false so I didn't even respond to it. I was trying my hardest to keep my emotions in check and not try to defend myself because I know it's all BS but I'M sure I could have done a little better. I finally said I was done fighting and just wanted out and let's figure out a S strategy. This wasn't a rash, heat of the moment comment because the last several weeks I've really been feeling it would be best for all of us even though I was trying to convince myself otherwise. She then threatened to take kids away and said the 50/50 offer (from less than a week ago) is now off the table. She said I'll be lucky if I get 1 day and weekends. I just shook my head at her but her going there does scare me a little, I didn't want D process to get ugly. She also said she wasn't going on our family trip this weekend which I replied that's her decision but I was still taking kids because we already told them about it and they are excited. She said 'oh yeah now I'm the bad guy'. I didn't respond because I was literally at a loss for words by this point.

I received text from her first thing this AM saying D7 brought up trip and we need to suck it up and all go together. I didn't respond.

I know she's hurting about how this is hurting kids and she seems to want to hurt me more everyday. It's gotten worse lately, maybe because by all outward appearances I'm moving on and not showing the emotions I was early on but who knows. It's probably worse that kids aren't going to her about any of this stuff and she hates hearing it from me. It also can't be easy on her because she's abandoned all her old/ real friends and isn't talking with them or doing anything anymore but those are her issues. She made this bed so she has to lie in it. I can't live like this anymore. I really have no desire to R anymore so I think separation is my best option. I can't move on with my life when I have to deal with this kind of BS all the time. I might be able to tolerate it if it had a shred of truth but nothing she said is even close to the truth with most of it being just irrational. When it comes to kids I can't tolerate her burying her head in sand and pretending they'll be fine because they won't be if we handle it her way. I already called L this AM and told him this is my desire but I needed to know long term custody is settled before moving. He's working on it with her L today to try and get this done asap. I really appreciate all your guys support but trust me here, a 2x6 won't change my mind. I need to distance myself from the insanity that has become my W.

[labug]

I don't want to change your mind. You have to do what you feel is right just be careful of making decisions based on emotion.

Let me ask you this, in the cold hard light of day, what could you have done differently? I ask because it's here that change really takes place, metal is forged in heat.

I think that talking to her IC about the kids shows that she is concerned about them.

[labug]

And Spartan, I'm sorry-that must have been really difficult to do through. (( ))

[Breakdown]

I sorry this took a turn for the worst, but I think you should back off and detach. I know you are worried about the kids and that you telling her is what you'd want, but she's in a fog and going to twist things around. Frankly, I wouldn't say anything to her about the kids....parent the best you can, just like if you were already D'd. If she brings it up, then discuss it, but otherwise back off.

I completely get where you're at with the kids as my W and I had a huge argument earlier this week regarding the kids and D. She thinks everyone will be fine and they've already had screwed up lives. I think D will affect them emotionally and in their own relationships and I don't want that for them. That said, she wants D, I do not, so neither of us are willing to look at it the other's way....stalemate. Recognize it before you start down that path of discussion.

[labug]

^^^good advice.

[Spartan]

Let me ask you this, in the cold hard light of day, what could you have done differently? I ask because it's here that change really takes place, metal is forged in heat.

First off I would have read my Bible somewhere hidden so she couldn't have found me and we didn't have to fight. Stupid me reading it at the table . Seriously though I should have deescalated discussion as soon as it started and left the room. I know she's in this fog and every time we talk I feel like I'm in the twilight zone so there isn't any reason for me to even get into these types of talks with her at this time. With all the shock and awe she threw at me I think overall I handled it pretty well. I did slip up one time after she said I wouldn't get kids anymore and said something I wished I hadn't. I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth and that's when I got my emotions back in check.

I think that talking to her IC about the kids shows that she is concerned about them.

I know she is. The part that worries me is she just doesn't know how to handle it or process it. Her initial (and seems to be only) defense on anything is to blame someone, or something, else and even create lies to justify this belief. Right now the stakes are too high with the kids and I can't accept it anymore. Better to agree to disagree and not discuss.

Frankly, I wouldn't say anything to her about the kids....parent the best you can, just like if you were already D'd. If she brings it up, then discuss it, but otherwise back off.

I agree and this is my current plan. It's more productive to bang my head against a wall then to talk with W about kids in her current state of mind.

Recognize it before you start down that path of discussion.

LOL, pretty much what I put above for things I would have done differently last night. Guess I should have read your post before responding. I'm getting better at DBing for with regards to me but man is it tough when kid topic comes up. Not really sure if that's even considered DBing or just something I have to deal with as real as I can.


And thanks again to all of you for the support and always responding in my posts. The support helps so much and I have no idea where I would be without you guys. I'm surprisingly doing ok even with my world being turned upside down and inside out and my W turning into something I don't even recognize anymore. No chance I'd be in this frame of mind without these boards. Time to go for a quick lunch run (never stop GALing)

[AnotherStander]

Spartan, so sorry things didn't go well. I think maybe you're still caught up in the heat of it and it is perfectly fine to come here and vent about it. I would like to see if you still feel the same way after a cooling off period, so please let us know later.

If you don't mind a 2x4 or two, I would just say that it sounds to me like the two of you were really pushing each others' buttons. I know this isn't always easy, but when you start getting swept up into an argument next time try and remember DB'ing. Validate her emotions. Don't agree or disagree, just validate. For example, when she said: "The only reason kids would come to me is because I'm probably bringing it up to them" instead of telling her "she was very wrong on this stuff" you could have taken a deep breath and told her "you sound angry about this, I can understand why you feel that way. Tell me more about this, I want to do what I can to make sure you're not hurt again by this in the future." You are not agreeing with her, but you are acknowledging her feelings. You would not believe how quickly this can defuse an argument. I've used it myself and was astonished at how well it works. In fact, we haven't had a single argument since I started doing that, but we've had some great conversations. Your W just wants to feel like she's being listened to and feel like you consider her feelings and emotions important. It's not about the subject matter at all. I think we guys get so swept up in defending ourselves that we are blind to all the damage we are causing in the process. No matter how logical our argument, it's a lose-lose situation when we defend ourselves.