afa you seemed to have handled yourself amazing well. good for you. compassionate, genuine, strong.
I like how you validated her fears. I can imagine that must have made her feel really understood.
How did you sleep? I hope you slept well.
(((((( ))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Andrew, great job handling the difficult conversation.
Don't give in to the pressure from people to file, and especially date. You have to give yourself plenty of time for those two things, and do whatever feels right for you. When someone offers unsolicited advice, you can say you prefer to not talk about the subject. I think most family members/friends tend to do the same, so you're not alone.
Busting and Tori, I did sleep well. Actually a couple hours more than usual.
The consensus from.best friend, dad/ mom, and my friend / therapist are that I'm continuing to put myself in a situation that will ultimately ruin me personally and professionally. I see their point to an extent, but I know I am not ready to date nor file.
Again I do have a little hope for a new R, but am much more focused on me not her and / or OM. Those thoughts occur a whole lot less often amd with less pain. As this thread is titled, I'm trying to do what is right for me. I went to an outdoor sculpture park this afternoon by myself, simply b/c I have been wanting to go for awhile now and the weather was decent. The park / sculptures were pretty neat. I choose to go alone, but I will admit it would have been nice to have someone(s) to share the experience with. D12 sent me a text while I was there, so I sent her a POV and told her I would take her and the boys on the next nice day. I've done some more reading of the book, and it is helpful to an extent. Goal is to finish it before I go back home tomorrow afternoon (then I can hide it at work with the rest of my books...lol). Now I'm trying to find something to do this evening.
So in short, like most of us, internally feeling alone, missing the kiddos, but in a fair mood. Guessing this is a good normal feeling.
Yes, this is an OK feeling considering what you're going through. I doubt your W will file for D anytime soon. I think there's a lot of fear and confusion in her...
Yes, this is an OK feeling considering what you're going through.
Thank you. Receiving validation from you and others in during this time is simply comforting.
Quote:
I doubt your W will file for D anytime soon. I think there's a lot of fear and confusion in her...
I'm not mindreading, but I do agree that she has lots of mixed emotions and thoughts (fear / confusion) Also, not filing anytime soon is partially due to our financial sich, she cannot afford a L, unless she sells her wedding ring.
Quote:
Ultimately, you will know what is right for you.
I hope so. I certainly hope so. One way or another, I hope I discover that point on my path sooner than later. I want it to come from my head, not my heart.
Journaling...
So last night, I was able to find a friend (married with kids) who was able to go out for a few. His idea actually sounded dreadful (sports bar / restaurant to watch a UK basketball game). I say dreadful, as I had just eaten dinner; and I'm not a big bssketball fan, especially that UK -- OM's fav team.
In a nutshell, I forced myself to go. I had to. A mini sad wave was crashing upon me, missing my kids / missing my "life." I went to a room and just laid down contemplating what to do. How I am so much better around people / having something to do. Loneliness is a big thorn for me.
I offered to pick him up so he could drink if he wanted as "I'm on the wagon." All in all it was much better than I expected, especially b/c the alternative was staying at home with my parents. Love them and all, but watching reruns of shows isn't exactly appealing. Some may consider anti GAL. 8) Friend of course asked for an update on the sich, it wasn't bad. He didn't offer any "advice," which was nice, other than take care of myself. He too went through a D many years ago so he understands a little more. I did order food. I did not pay attention too much to the game, except for cheering for the other team as needed.
Came back to go to sleep. Had a second night's worth of weird dreams. The night before, was just weird no details. Last night's was me Yelling at S7 to get dressed while I was ironing clothes. I was Yelling at everyone near me in my dream. ??? I then woke up and had about an hour's worth of tossing and turning and thinking all sorts of angry thoughts about my sich, W, OM, everything. Woke up feeling a little better for whatever reason.
I have a few hours before I choose to go home. I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach. What will I encounter when I get there? The tension that W alluded to in an earlier. Ironic thing, is that as I'm typing this, W sends me a text saying that I don't have to stay away until 3p unless I want to, as she is home with the kiddos tomorrow for MLK day.
Being a broken record (a good one), Thank You all for your ongoing support and words of wisdom.
I had similar dreams. You're just releasing your anger through them. Mine were very violent, very angry.
Hope you're having a nice time with the kids now. Yes, the feeling of being alone, more than being alone itself is what produces anxiety...Hang in there.
I did hang in there. Spent most of my time with the boys watching a movie and playing. D12 was in a sour mood and kept more to herself. Nothing specific to me, just being a tween. I invited her to come to the basement to paint while I exercised, but she choose not to. She and exchanged words a few times, nothing major. W did make the statement, "Can I make anyone else mad at me!?!" She was definitely and self admittedly in a "sour" mood too. Part of it due to drinking too much the night before. W made it known, politely, several times that she could just cry. I tried to validate / offered a friendly ear. She didn't take me up on the offer. I'm kind of glad too. W created a Twitter acct to feel better. She oddly enough invited me over to watch her set it up / look at it. Looks kind of neat, but more of another time suck. So I ended my evening on a fairly decent note. Woke up and came to work. Nothing major going on as of now other than trying to figure out what I want for me. Still ambivalent.
I met W to p/u kids so she could go to an IC appt. During the brief Exchange W told me that my Dad has been "digging her" in front of other family members / friends. My SIL evidently had to stand up for W. I did NOT know this. He does not know anything about the actual OM. W said we are going to talk about my Dad later on. I could see the hurt (sadness / anger) in her eyes. I obviously wouldn't / don't condone this by my Dad.
HELP on how to have this convo? Just listen / validate. Don't defend him / justify that her actions caused so much pain?
Listen yes, maybe validate that it's hurtful when other people say things but that happens in these situations. Tell her you will talk to your father, if that's your plan.
But you can't control your father and people will make their own judgments and say what they will say.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey Afa - I've been away from these boards for some time, but I think I can give you some advice on this.
From my experience family members, whether they know the whole story or not are just too close to the situation to be anything other than completely loyal to their family. In this case it's your Dad.
Your Dad has his own feelings on this and is his own person. Now that you know he has been dealing with his feelings on your M, by venting at your W, you can talk to him about it. Say something about it being good that he is looking out for you, but that this isn't helping your situation and that he can be supportive by just listening to you and not getting involved.
There's no harm in listening to what your W has to say about what your Dad has been saying, but think about what you are validating before you validate what she is saying. For example, you might agree that your Dad was wrong to say what he did and in front of other family members, without validating what he said to be wrong.
What I'm trying to say is don't sell your Dad down the river, acknowledge your wife's complaints about his outbursts, apologise on his behalf for upsetting her and say that you will speak to him about it.
Don't get drawn into what was actually said, that won't help towards your goal.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
All in all it was much better than I expected, especially b/c the alternative was staying at home with my parents. Love them and all, but watching reruns of shows isn't exactly appealing. Some may consider anti GAL. 8) Friend of course asked for an update on the sich, it wasn't bad. He didn't offer any "advice," which was nice, other than take care of myself. He too went through a D many years ago so he understands a little more. I did order food. I did not pay attention too much to the game, except for cheering for the other team as needed.