I need help really bad and really fast

[asadgirl]

Hello and thank you for allowing me to join this wonderful community. I have been watching from afar and studying for days and waiting on my account to be approved. So here I am and boy am I mess.
This will be very long but I will be as short and precise as possible.
I apologize profusely for this obnoxiously long post. Sorry.
*I am a teacher ; absolutely love children; was put on this earth to be a mommy and wife; always put others first; go out of my way to do things the “right” way, but drop the ball on other things. Unorganized and chaotic as of late. Think , well I know, I am depressed and suspect it has been for a while.
*met husband in fall of 2008, we were both fresh onto the dating scene after divorces.
* I have 2 children, he has 3; all about the same age
* An absolutely wonderful relationship while dating
* Married in Feb 2010
* things were great first year
* second year started going downhill because of his kids and I not having the relationship with me that he had always dreamed of. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted either.
* I started to try and make the relationship with my husband and his kids stronger….there were many of the same things you hear a lot about…..him not wanting me to discipline his kids, his children were allowed to call me names. use language at the table that was very inappropriate, talked very disrespectful to me and worse to him, his son hurt my daughter many times physically, told my children that I stole their dad and also that the house we live in now is their dad’s house and not theirs. That their dad could take it away at any time.
* So my trying wasn’t ever going to work since I started to back off. The more I backed off the more I was accused; the more I was accused the more I began to detach. And there we go. I was accused several times by his children that I would give them a smirk or call them names when he left the room. Even when they were caught lying they were never disciplined.
*I begin to lose respect for him and he does for me.
* I put up with the past 3 years of mental and emotional anguish.
*I grew up with an alochoholic father and manipulative mother. I do not drink but my husband tells me all of the time I am manipulative and controlling; maybe I am to an extent but I don’t think I am to the point he accuses me of.
*He grew up with a haphazard dad. His dad came and went; gambler; I could almost diagnose him myself as bipolar and narcissist. My husband has severe anxiety and things are black and white. He can’t forgive and has to get even. I witnessed this with his dad and ex wife.
*After a hard past couple of months I was ready to start working hard on our marriage. In December it was very stressed and tense but he had a court date with his ex that they had been fighting for 4 years and she had put it off and put it off. He “won” as he had wished. So I thought with that over we would start to work things out in the New Year.
*Christmas day we didn’t get to have our children on that morning since they were with our exes. We awoke, piddled around, wrapped some last minute gifts and everything was going great.
*Our children arrived and we opened gifts. His son made some very disrespectful comments that I ignored. And I am not saying by any means my children are perfect but if my kids ever said anything about not liking Christmas at our house because he got more at his mom’s or dad’s….well it just wouldn’t happn. I have raised them with a little more respect. Anyway, opened gifts and I made a nice big lunch. Sat down to eat and step son decided to start making farting sounds and burping. I asked him to please stop. He continued and I got a look from my husband like “You better shut the f,,,ck up”. SS continued and then I had it. I told him if he did it again that I would take a gift away. My husband looked at me and said “Oh no you are not”. That hurt, but was expected. So we get through dinner with no casualties. A few hours later I was to go to my mom’s house to visit and had given my husband the option of not going since he only had his kids a few hours. He had said before he would go but at this point changed his mind. “Oh he is pouting now, Great” I thought. So we went and returned a few hours later. When I arrived he was hurrying his kids out of the house and said “Say goodbye to everyone”.
*At this point I could tell by his demeanor that it wasn’t going to be a fun night. However, never in a million years did I think what was about to occur, would.
*He returned home. Immediately asked me to meet him up in our room. I did so.
He then looks at me with the worst look I have ever seen and says “I want you gone. I want a divorce. I can’t stand to look at you. I hate you. I don’t love you. You disgust me. You haven’t changed anything and I will not put my children through this another second”.
Of course I was speechless and automatically lost my sh..t. I started defending myself and asking what happened. Apparently after I left, his kids started crying that they wanted to go their mom’s house. He told them they had to stay the time he was allotted for visitation. I am assuming the next thing was done to manipulate him since they had already told my son they were going home early and wanted to play with the “really a lot cooler stuff their mom got them”. So once my husband told them they had to stay he said that his son was “bawling crying in his lap begging him to let him go to his moms and not to have to stay at the house anymore” with me of course. Or he said it was in so many words.
Well this is where I think I went majorly wrong. I had a melt down. I started begging and pleading. And I haven’t stopped since. I have had a few moments of sanity but all in all, I am just downright crazy right now. I DO NOT WANT THE DIVORCE!!! But what do I do. Tonight he said he wants me out of the house as soon as possible. Does not want me here past March 1st. Does not love me. IT IS OVER. Has asked me to respect his wishes and please just get out. Says there is nothing I can do to get him to stay. However I am a freaking mess. I go from one extreme to the other. And when he tells me these things it makes me physically ill. I literally can only take care of minimum things right now and just want to ball up and cry.
The thing I did notice is that he feels almost giddy. As soon as I am finished with a meltdown of crying and pleading, he seems almost “high”. And then almost acts as if everything is normal. Playing with my kids, telling me to try and be happy…all while he just got finished telling me horrible things.

I just need help and the psych can’t see me until 2 weeks. My GP can’t see me for another week or two so I can at least get put on anti depressants.

I am just a mess. I want someone to sit me down…shake me…and say “OK, here is the plan. This is what you are going to do.”

[hopefulinga]

I cannot relate to being a step parent but I know that it must be difficult, especially when your H lets his kids disrespect you. The son's comments sound manipulative and hurtful. There are definitely some jealousy issues that have not been handled well.

Have you looked into Al Anon? Some of your behavior is probably learned from seeing your mom cope with your dad. I've been going on and off for a few months and it has helped me tremendously. My grandparents drank and I learned some bad coping skills from my mom because of it.

You definitely sound like I did a few months ago. I didn't really eat for weeks and when my H talked about wanting me out, I would pretty much feel physically ill. I've slacked off at work and it became hard for me to do much of anything.

For now, try to do things with your kids, friends, family, etc. to get out and GAL (get a life) to prepare yourself for what may happen if you do go your separate ways. Once I accepted that I cannot change my H, his thoughts, etc., things began to get easier. And once I accepted that he wanted to D, even though I didn't, I started to move on with my life.

You may need to call your GP's office and tell them what is going on and that you need to be seen. I did not right away. I finally called my OB/GYN because I felt out of control with my emotions. He checked my hormones, which were really low. From there, we increased a dose of 1 AD. When I finally went to my GP, I had lost so much weight that he wanted to treat me for an eating disorder. So he changed my meds and it made all of the difference in the world.

Sometimes it takes time for the meds to get into your system and work, so the longer you wait, the more miserable you are going to feel.

It does get better. It will take time to get over the shock and the hurt.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[Brian in Hville]

This might go against some of the DB principles, but do you want to subject yourself to what he let's his kids do to you and yours? It doesn't sound like he was willing to change (or even see that he had a problem). But right now, you need to concentrate on you. You need to protect you and your kids.

[AnotherStander]

Welcome to the forums!

* second year started going downhill because of his kids and I not having the relationship with me that he had always dreamed of. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted either.
* I started to try and make the relationship with my husband and his kids stronger….there were many of the same things you hear a lot about…..him not wanting me to discipline his kids, his children were allowed to call me names. use language at the table that was very inappropriate, talked very disrespectful to me and worse to him, his son hurt my daughter many times physically, told my children that I stole their dad and also that the house we live in now is their dad’s house and not theirs. That their dad could take it away at any time.

Wow, well that sounds very difficult. I would just ask you though, are you absolutely sure that you have been perfect in all of this and that the fault lies completely with your H and his kids? Try to step outside of the sitch for a moment and really contemplate that. Because if you are convinced that you have been perfect in your behavior and that nothing needs to change on your side, then you might as well file for a D yourself because there is no hope. DB'ing is all about listening to what your spouse says and taking it seriously without judging/ justifying/ arguing/ dismissing. It's about making significant changes to yourself and to your behavior. It's about detaching and giving your H time and space to think about things, and to see and appreciate the changes you've made.

I do not drink but my husband tells me all of the time I am manipulative and controlling; maybe I am to an extent but I don’t think I am to the point he accuses me of.

This is an example. If your H told you that you are controlling and manipulative, then instead of convincing yourself that he is exaggerating, you need to take him seriously and do a 180 on that behavior. Figure out what the opposite of that behavior is and do it. That's what 180's are all about.

*Our children arrived and we opened gifts. His son made some very disrespectful comments that I ignored. And I am not saying by any means my children are perfect but if my kids ever said anything about not liking Christmas at our house because he got more at his mom’s or dad’s….well it just wouldn’t happn. I have raised them with a little more respect.

Have you stopped to think that maybe the kids really are hurting about having to spend Christmas at two different houses with broken families? Are you respectful and considerate to them regarding what they are going through? Kids don't communicate hurt in the same way adults do. What you perceive as griping or a lack of respect may very well be his expression of pain. Try to be compassionate towards them.

Anyway, opened gifts and I made a nice big lunch. Sat down to eat and step son decided to start making farting sounds and burping. I asked him to please stop. He continued and I got a look from my husband like “You better shut the f,,,ck up”. SS continued and then I had it. I told him if he did it again that I would take a gift away. My husband looked at me and said “Oh no you are not”. That hurt, but was expected.

Read the chapter in DR about conflict resolution. It is really clear from your description that you and your H are going about this the wrong way, you're pushing each others' buttons. Plus you need to learn what's important and what's not, boys do obnoxious stuff sometimes, I'm not so sure it's worth escalating that into a big blowout versus just having a few laughs about it.

He then looks at me with the worst look I have ever seen and says “I want you gone. I want a divorce. I can’t stand to look at you. I hate you. I don’t love you. You disgust me. You haven’t changed anything and I will not put my children through this another second”.

Has he asked you to change before? I'm curious what he meant by "you haven't changed anything."

Tonight he said he wants me out of the house as soon as possible.

He can't kick you out. We always advise around here that the WAS needs to be the one to leave. The LBS needs to hold their ground. The WAS needs to suffer the consequences of their actions. Perhaps he owns the house, I don't know. But regardless, he cannot kick his wife out of the home they share.

I am just a mess. I want someone to sit me down…shake me…and say “OK, here is the plan. This is what you are going to do.”

Get DR, read it. It is your plan. It will walk you through step-by-step. Be patient, it takes a long time to turn these situations around.

[labug]

Have you ever gone to AlAnon or ACOA?

You may be controlling and have some manipulative traits, those often go along with being raised by an alcoholic.

[asadgirl]

Thanks everyone. I am so excited to read these since I have really needed someone to hear me or understand. After following along with some similar stories on this forum, I decided to detach and do a 180. I am trying to GAL as much as I can but with work and the kids, it is kind of hard at the moment. But what I did do last night was go to my bed early and watch a TV show that I had never watched before. I made sure to laugh a little louder when I did laugh. I also did not answer his texts right away yesterday.
He had texted me asking how I was feeling....I did not respond. He then asked if I needed him to get dinner since my kids were with their dad. I texted back shortly "yes". Next thing I know he is walking into the house and saying we should just go get something together. ???? This is after he told me he doesn't even want to be in the same room with me. He also came over and gave me a hug...the hug I gave in return wasn't enough so he said "A real hug". ??????? I hugged him back and he said "why didn't you text me back? I asked if you were ok." Honestly I did not see the text until later and didn't want to answer it at that point. He then asked if i was ok again...I changed the subject. He asked again...I said "yes". Short. Sweet. Dropped. Moved onto the next thing. So we go to dinner....it was fine. I just answered short and sweet again while he told me about work and blah blah blah....acting as if nothing is wrong. I could tell he felt awkward around me though. He had slept in another bed the other night and then last night climbs into bed. Next to me???? I roll over the other way and he snuggles up???? I wanted to say "WTH???" but i didn't. So today I am still feeling the same way. More in control of myself. Able to not text or feel I need to explain my love for him. I am so glad. But my anxiety still hovers. Sunday night he told me that since I was so upset, he would wait for a month before we discuss my moving out again. Said that he wanted me out on March 1st. So my mind keeps thinking....that is why he is being nicer. Because he sees the light at the end of the tunnel...he thinks that this is great!
He has done this before...."It is over, I don't love you, can't ever look at you again".....but this time he has stuck to his guns and has told me several times......Do not try and change his mind. I have thought about what one of you said in that do I really want to be in a marriage with his children allowed to do what they do? And honestly NO. I also do not want a marriage where he speaks the way to me that he does. So I also have a lot to think about. This is what I want to do and let me know what you think....I am going to "try" and be 180 and GAL. I am also going to move forward with trying to find a place to move into by March 1. If we do decide to work on this, I guess I will deal with this later. But he told me the other night that I have to be out by the 1st of March or he will sell the house and have a sheriff get me out. Nice. But the next night wants to snuggle? Do you see why I suspect some sort of personality disorder?

[asadgirl]

“Wow, well that sounds very difficult. I would just ask you though, are you absolutely sure that you have been perfect in all of this and that the fault lies completely with your H and his kids? Try to step outside of the sitch for a moment and really contemplate that. Because if you are convinced that you have been perfect in your behavior and that nothing needs to change on your side, then you might as well file for a D yourself because there is no hope. “

Oh Gosh......I absolutely NEVER said or thought I was perfect. It is a situation that started out rocky. There is a long history of verbal abuse and accusations by his EW that I have not even touched on here. It is a sitch that has hurt me tremendously because of her trying to influence the children. I am trying to be nice since it is their mother, but I just want to say it is disgusting. And even my husband’s judge said so when they were in court. She has even taken a Twitter account (mature, huh) out about me that she had no idea we knew about. It says some pretty harsh things about me and really ….just mean stuff. I am not at all making excuses but this has A LOT to do with the children’s attitudes about me. I have gone to therapy for this, believe me. Many sleepless nights but I have come to terms with the fact that maybe one day they will see this for what it really is and end up liking me. I learned about detaching in therapy…of course not on the same terms as in a relationship but in more of a sit back and let things happen type way. It is hard and with things like with the manners and respect….I hold a lot in. I just feel when you start to hurt others is where an adult should provide the boundaries and teach them how to grow into respectful and caring individuals. It just gets to a point sometimes that I have to decide….either I say something or my kids and I have leave. I try to think of the kids first. They don’t want to leave. So I end up saying something to my SS or H.
“This is an example. If your H told you that you are controlling and manipulative, then instead of convincing yourself that he is exaggerating, you need to take him seriously and do a 180 on that behavior. Figure out what the opposite of that behavior is and do it. That's what 180's are all about.”
Ok and yes…I definitely think I am controlling and manipulative. I have not a single doubt…I learned from the best! However, in the beginning of our marriage, I asked my husband to work with me on this. Instead of doing so, he just uses it as a threat or a tool to get back at me when we disagree on something. He knows it is a weak point of mine so he uses it to his advantage. So sometimes I do question how much of his accusations are truly. Here is an example of how exhausting it can become. For our Christmas card, I went out and bought the family color coordinated outfits. It would have been so cute and I know MANY mothers that do the same. Well, H comes home one afternoon and I proceed to ask if we could do the Christmas picture the upcoming weekend. He said yes, so we planned the day and time. The day arrives and I lay out everyone’s clothes. When it was time to get dressed, my SS pitched a fit that he did not want to change clothes (he was playing on his computer and cannot stand for us to remove him….even for dinner). So we were all ready waiting on SS to come down. He then says he isn’t getting his picture taken and my husband said there wouldn’t be a picture since SS want to do it. I really wanted to say something but I didn’t. So I assumed we would do it later. It never happened. I was later accused by H that the only reason that his kids didn’t want to do it is because they hated the outfits I picked out and then went on to say it was a control thing for me. That I used it as an opportunity to show who is boss and who is going to wear what and when. All I wanted was to take a nice picture. So was that about control and manipulation or was I asking too much?
But I agree to do the 180.

“Have you stopped to think that maybe the kids really are hurting about having to spend Christmas at two different houses with broken families? Are you respectful and considerate to them regarding what they are going through? Kids don't communicate hurt in the same way adults do. What you perceive as griping or a lack of respect may very well be his expression of pain. Try to be compassionate towards them.”
I have thought of that many times…so yes and no. They LOVE to come over when my children are here since they are all the same age and it is like a spend the night party. We have been very good too about when a child misses home and letting them return. It has only happened once when SD1 was sick. My husband had just won in court to have his children on Christmas day a few weeks ago. It was the first time in years. And SS pitched a fit to go home and H told him no. Eventually SS said it was because he hated our house and of course my H said it was because of me. Maybe I am out of line here, but judging by history, I have a suspicion that EW maybe said something to the kids about coming back home. She plays and lays a lot of guilt on them. “Mommy is going to be all by herself on Christmas day. What am I going to do”. Earlier in the day SS told my S that he was going home to play with his “cooler” toys. So I don’t know. Maybe I had more to do with it than I can see. But I definitely take blame for a lot of it.I do need to somehow figure out what to do when there is disrespect. I hate to remove my own children from their home and punish them, but I also do not want them learning it is ok.

“boys do obnoxious stuff sometimes, I'm not so sure it's worth escalating that into a big blowout versus just having a few laughs about it. “
I know.

Has he asked you to change before? I'm curious what he meant by "you haven't changed anything."
Yes and that is why I attended therapy. Even though I did everything I was advised to do and she even commended me on progress….even to my H when he attended the last session with me. So that is why I am so confused and cannot understand the anger. I guess he thinks I should have NO say in our house when he is constantly getting onto my children. But I don’t ever undermine him and if I do have a problem I talk with him later.

Oh and about the house…..I am not on the mortgage. 
Thank you SOOOO much for your input. It really does make me stop and think.

[asadgirl]

No Brian I do not want to subject myself to that. That is why I am struggling so much. The people on here are so smart! They have directed me towards looking into codependency and boy do I hit on that a lot!

[asadgirl]

Sorry about all of the "red" I am new and still trying to figure out how to do all of this.