Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

My previous threads. Lost and confused

The green green grass of home


The green green grass of home. (Part 2)


Well, it's official. He posted on FB that he is in a relationship. It really gets to me that he has the kids sleeping over there already. We have not even been deprecated for four months.

I don't want him back, he didn't treat me right, so why does it hurt so much, that he has moved on already?

I feel like I have been replaced, just like that.

I feel jelious, that my kids are spending time with them like a family.

I feel bitter that H seems so happy now and I'm still here, trying to heal.

I feel bitter that he is spending so much money on a car, just to fit them all in.

I feel jelious that he is treating her right but couldn't do that for me.

I feel used and betrayed that he can announce his relationship on FB, less than four months after he left. I feel a little humiliated actually.

I feel hurt at myself, for continually letting him hurt me.

I feel stuck and that scares me.

I feel depressed and just don't want to do anything and that scares me.

I feel like I failed my kids. Like I failed us.

I feel useless and powerless.

I feel like I can never plan for the future again.

I feel like I can never love like that again.

I feel hurt, alone and confused.

I feel like I have slid right back down the hill.

I fear becoming angry and bitter.

[Soul.Searching]

Just wanted to apologize to everyone, I haven't been posting on anyone's threads. I'm not in a good place right now. I went from being so low, to gradually so high, while on holidays, then right back down.

I don't know how to deal with all this. I just feel so low.
I've been replaced in less than four months. His told everybody via FB and has our children sleeping over there.

MIL doesn't see anything wrong with it and that hurts too. I don't even know why I love him. I have no respect for him at all. I feel so upset, angry and bitter.

It feels like he just keeps kicking me when I'm down.

I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to move on. Everything is just such an effort right now.

I just feel like giving up,...

[JuneReN]

(((SS))))

Been there and now am here. Wasn't an easy journey for me and still don't know where I am going.

FB is evil...block him lol and all the people that you could see his posts on.

His decisions have nothing to do with you, it is all about him. Remember, we can't make people do what we want, otherwise this board wouldn't be here.

So, you need to get out and do stuff. I run, even though I hate it, because I get some clarity and peace. Also the endorphins keep me off meds lol!!

I rely on my friends and I come here for a kick in the a$$ or a good hug...Whatever I need.

We are here, keep posting and venting and moving forward. The advice here will help you do that, whether you want to or not lol!!

[Gettingoverit]

Sorry I can't help you because you have just posted everything that I am feeling right now as well. Must be the holidays! He was coming every day to see me and I left for a few days without telling him and now I haven't seen him or heard from him in a week. I know db says to go NC, go dark etc etc but I don't understand not letting him know that I am there for him is a bad thing, but like they all say , it wasn't working with him stopping all the time so change it up. I guess I just need patience and faith.Its all I can do not to text or call him and ask whats up !

[AnotherStander]

SS, so sorry you're going through this! I've got to say though, I see a lot of mind reading in your first post in this thread. You're assuming that this new R your H is in is perfect and he's exceedingly happy. I seriously doubt that's the case. He's probably conflicted and confused and questioning everything he's doing. He may be in the throes of "puppy love" right now too, but those feelings will pass. He may be doing this to try and convince himself that leaving you is what he wants, and he may very well find that the grass isn't greener on the other side. So what do you do? You DB. You work on YOU. You GAL, you move on, you become an independent, strong woman. Strive for a PMA, a REAL PMA.

You mention bitterness, humiliation and jealousy; those are poison to you, your R with your H and your R with your children. Strive to overcome those feelings. I was just re-reading DR last night and Michele says something really important in there, DO NOT sit around waiting for your attitude to change because it never will. You've got to DO SOMETHING!! It's vitally important that you make real changes and make them now! It's the only way you'll get past this rough spot.

You are NOT stuck unless you let yourself be stuck. You are NOT useless and powerless unless you allow it to happen. That is completely in your control. So get unstuck! Get the power back!

[Crazyville]

SS, I'm so sorry for your current sitch! I know it's tough for you! And I know it sounds absurd right now when someone says it will get better, but it will. Just put one foot in front of the other and you'll be on your way.

I hope you can let go of the thoughts about what's going on "over there." I'd like to share something of my experience with H's ex and hope you can think about it instead. My H's ex dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and they were D'd a year later. It was an ugly D because she wanted it and he didn't. But once it was done, so was he, and he asked me out shortly after. When we got M'd, she was livid. She was the textbook angry and bitter exW. She ruined everything for everyone because of her imaginings of how great life was for us, like we were making decisions and living our life for the soul purpose of pixxing her off. Her jealousy was palpable. She was miserable all the time. And all I can say is that life for us was absolutely not a fairytale.

I know our sitch is different in that your H is the one that left, but you don't want to head down that road. The reality is that *right now*, they are looking awfully happy, and they probably are because it's all new and fresh. But the issues your H brought into your M aren't going to be accepted by her for long. And if she does, you should pity her, not be envious. The grass only looks greener because it's "springtime." When the heat and drought of "summer" kick in for them, you want to be well underway in creating your own happy life.

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E!


I don't want him back, he didn't treat me right, so why does it hurt so much, that he has moved on already? There's a lot of feelings here that will need to be worked through. It helps to really answer that question. And when you can't find a good answer, you'll let go of the pain.

I feel like I have been replaced, just like that.*YOU* can never be replaced. It's not your fault that he couldn't see the value in you. Someone else will. *WE* do!

I feel jelious, that my kids are spending time with them like a family. I hope you can be happy if your kids are happy, regardless of if it's with them. The time away gives you the opportunity to spend time on you, or spend time on responsibilities so that you're free when they come home. Did you ever see the Brady Bunch? Yeah, well, it's really not like that.

I feel bitter that H seems so happy now and I'm still here, trying to heal. The best revenge is living a good life. When you finish healing, you'll be better than before, and maybe even happy that he left.

I feel bitter that he is spending so much money on a car, just to fit them all in.All I can say is that I know *I* sure wouldn't want that car payment! Or the gasoline expense! And it probably drives like a bus.

I feel jelious that he is treating her right but couldn't do that for me. Just give it time, Sweetie, just give it time. That tiger hasn't changed his spots, he's not working on him like you're working on you. He's probably pulling some of the same cr@p with her already, but she's all glassy-eyed and excusing it. For now.

I feel used and betrayed that he can announce his relationship on FB, less than four months after he left. I feel a little humiliated actually. Looks bad on him, not on you. If I were dating, that would be a major red flag for me. He's the one that should be sticking his head in the sand.

I feel hurt at myself, for continually letting him hurt me. That's the past, can't do anything about it. No point continuing to flog yourself over it. Lesson learned, BTDT, etc. The future is going to look much different.

I feel stuck and that scares me. There are things in this situation that you can do nothing about. You can't control him. Beyond that, you have countless directions to move. Turn the fear into excitement, like riding a roller coaster. It will be different, but that doesn't mean bad.

I feel depressed and just don't want to do anything and that scares me. Speak to yourself differently. Acknowledge your feelings, but don't stop there. After this, say, "But I don't like it here and I want make it different. I can't fix everything right now, but I can at least do x."

I feel like I failed my kids. Like I failed us. How could you have failed? The game's not over. You are a mom, still. And kids have the most wonderful ability to love their parents through it all. Everyday is a new opportunity to be what you want to be.

I feel useless and powerless. But what you really are is talented and personable and compassionate and caring and generous and thoughtful and capable and so much more.

I feel like I can never plan for the future again. You will plan whether you intend to or not. The future will be here, in 10 seconds. And what you do in that time is your plan. And even though that 10 seconds is already over, there's another one coming. Don't waste this one! Hug yourself, right now! And give yourself one from me too.

I feel like I can never love like that again. Personally, I hope you don't. From the outside looking in, it wasn't a healthy love. I hope you do it much better next time, and I believe you will. Which is why I'm not sure you could reconcile with your H, because I don't think you'd be willing to go there again. You deserve better.

I feel hurt, alone and confused. Just one thing. Just figure out one thing. And when that's figured out, do another. Tiny bites. You'll pick up momentum. And soon you won't even miss a beat.

I feel like I have slid right back down the hill. And now you know where you really want to be, and it's not here. Climb back up, and avoid taking the same path that caused you to slip and fall. Think of how many times a baby will fall before they finally figure out how to walk, but they keep trying because they know where they want to be.

I fear becoming angry and bitter. And now you know you don't want to go there. Knowing that life has something wonderful in store for you after all this means you should be grateful instead. You could never get there without the obstacles being removed. H was an obstacle. Now it's all clear sailing.

I'm sure you could come up with much better answers than I did. Just don't focus on where you're at right now. Focus on where you want to be instead. Not on what you had because it's known and comfortable, but with fresh eyes. Maybe some place where you've never been able to go until now because H was holding you back.

(((((SS)))))

[tori2012]

Awesome advice by AS and CV. It helped me too.

Don't have anything to add. Just remind you that we're here. ((((()))))

[theUF]

CV, brilliant post. Even though not directed at me, it still made me feel a bit more positive!

[bustingout]

CV that was brilliant. Made me feel more positive too. (((()))))

SS we are all here for you. read and re-read CV's post. You WILL get through this and it DOES get better.....(((((((((((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Spartan]

SS - You are a good person and you will get through this. Like others have said read CV's post over and over until you can't read anymore. You will have the life you deserve!!!

CV - I've read your post twice and I wanted to say thank you. I'm feeling pretty down today (just posted about it in my own thread) and reading what you wrote picked me up a bit. I could have written many of SS's statements so your post really hit home with me. Thanks!!!