If its just a matter of responding to texts keep them short and don't stray from the subject. I have been making this mistake of going off on a different tangent really going into detail, when my response (if i'd have taken 5 min to think about it) could have been a few lines long!
If you mean comm when your face to face, this is entirely different! When I pick kids up I show her I'm up beat and positive, I always look my best, I keep things short and don't give her the impression I'm waiting for her to say something about the M. The kids are a great distraction as well and can keep your mind of off talking to W. I'm going thru exactly the same thing and don't get me wrong the above sounds good but your insides are in bits, I know!
As with all the advice we have read on here, keep to the point and validate and understand what she is saying while keeping eye contact.
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
I can relate to your comments about the house feeling so empty when they're gone. I had been through some lows in my sitch and thought I was past it, but the first evening I spent alone after handing the kids off to W was one of the toughest I went through. It does get better though. Just start planning things for yourself on the days you don't have them. Keep yourself busy, that was the key for me.
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This week my goal is to get up at a normal time and work every day. I need the money but I mostly need to try to move forward. This "treading water" thing I've been doing is not working.
We've talked about that here before, many of us had great difficulties getting anything done at work early in our sitches. It's normal. Just make yourself work. The more you do it the less you'll have to force yourself to.
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I must figure out how to GAL!
Again this is something you have to force yourself to do at first. But it'll get easier and easier until you find yourself doing it because you want to.
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As far as detaching, I havent spoken or text W in 2-3 days. This has been hard because she has shot me a few texts and games in the mean time. Right now I'm going dark until I can figure out handle communication with W. Any suggestions?
Don't ever initiate contact unless you have to due to the kids. When you talk to her, be happy and full of PMA, but brief. Be the first to leave the convo. IE, say something like "I've got to run but it was nice talking to you, goodbye!" Try to send one text or email for her every two. Sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait an hour or more, sometimes don't reply at all. Make her wonder what you're up to. Be a little mysterious.
Thanks for the support and advise LJC and AS. Every little bit helps.
I was doing well going dark for about a week but I felt like it was coming off more as anger than detaching. So like always throughout our marrige I caved in first ... Last night we had a short discussion about the kids and I said if she wanted she could have dinner with us then take the kids home tonight. Normally she would just grab them on the way home from work. She took me up on it and things went well. I was able to have a good PMA and good conversation with her. All while being upbeat. I sure enjoy having her to talk to and I think she does too. Man if just the OM wasnt around! Its like we're 3/4 married! I just dont get the good 1/4:)
Been working out 3 times so far and looking forward to going tommorrow. I am enjoying challenging myself with the running. Never been a runner so its a definite 180! Dont get me wrong I look lie a runner just never had the stamina for long distance(anything over 100yds). It really feels good!
Also I'm easing back in to working and have work lined up for at least the next week or 2. This forces me to get up everyday. Now I just need to find another hobby/interest to keep me busy...Trying to keep my fridays busy with socializing to get me back out there. I know bars aren't the best but its a 180 for me at least. Right?
I was doing well going dark for about a week but I felt like it was coming off more as anger than detaching. So like always throughout our marrige I caved in first ...
Don't look at it as caving so much as just trying something different. The nature of DB'ing is to try something (usually for at least a few weeks) and if you don't see progress then try something else. It sounds like your latter approach worked better? Do what works, discard what doesn't work.
Attorney had everything ready yesterday and we signed the documents. I gave her every opportunity to hold off but she wanted to sign. Should be final today:( I'm not giving up just yet but she needs to find out on her own about the relationship OM. She is in love and has tunnel vision. I'm just stepping out of the way of that for now. Going to work on myself and be the better choice. Been working out every 2-3 days and it really helps! Getting out of bed at a good time and working everyday. So I think I'm on the upside of the depression. May try to get out and meet people and just see what else is out there. Like I said I'm not giving up but no pt in me sitting around waiting. Right?
Oh man I feel for you..your right , all the time she's in that honeymoon phase (there is a word for it, Limerance I think?) but it is impossible due to human nature to stay in this phase and as long as your still working on being a better you, you never know?
How do you feel about dating after D? It would be very unhealthy to sit about waiting for this R to fail and if she hear's you are dating it may turn her head. You never know!
Don't slip on YOUR progress
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
My heart goes out to you. I'm sure there will be a grieving period but then keep on GAL.
Originally Posted By: Devistated77
Going to work on myself and be the better choice.
This is a terrific attitude and it's very inspirational to me.
Me: 44 H: 48 M: 4 yrs My EA: 2010 & 2012 Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11 H left 1st time: 10/28/11 Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11 H left 2nd time: 12/23/12 Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
