Sandi2 Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it! I'm glad you are able to give insight from the WAS perspective how the EA starts. I wish I would have thought about how I made her feel years ago. But we can't change the past only try to improve on the future.
As for the detaching/being neutral I'm going to continue to work on it. I just need to remind myself that I'm doing it for me and not her. That way its genuine.
Went and worked out for the first time in a while and it felt good. While doing it W text me to see if since she was at that part of town if I wanted her to PU the kids and bring them to my place. I said thanks but I timed my workout to grab the kids when I was done. She said ok she didn't want to upset anything. I told her it was fine so she grabbed them. I think she was surprised I was working out since I've only done that a few times in our marrige.
She brought the kids home and grabbed a pizza for dinner. She got there and asked if it was ok to stay for dinner. She said she could take a few pieces and go to her place if not. I said sure no problem and we had a good dinner and family time that was nice. However the whole time I was wondering what other plans the OM had that she wasn't hanging out with him..
We also discussed going shopping togethor to spend some coupons that we both got in the mail. She suggested tommorrow but I told her i thought I had other plans so how about the next day. I dont really have any big plans I couldnt drop to hang out with her but didn't want to seem too eager. I think thats the right call. Continue to detach and let her know I will be ok with or without her. But right now I hope it is with her...
For some reason I feel like I'm defending myself to you.
It's just advice from someone who has been in your shoes, just take it for what it's worth. Don't take offense and don't feel like you need to defend or explain yourself. We're here to help each other through this, sometimes that means providing emotional support and other times it means talking about what we're doing right and wrong in our approach.
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Now after 6-8 months of improving on my issues and trying to be the best or better person that I can be its time for her to sink or swim. The cake eating has been physically/mentally exhausting! My health has declined lately.
Believe me, I totally understand. I'm on a similar timeline to yours and like you, I felt like I had come to the end of my rope and just couldn't wait anymore. I didn't give my W an ultimatum, but I did move on and start dating. I had been maintaining some distance before that, but at that point I really gave up hope that we would ever reconcile and with that I detached 100%. I don't know if it was the detachment or if it was just about to happen anyway, but once that happened my W suddenly started showing interest again. As it says in my sig, she signed us up for RetroV (it's this weekend). A lot of the old timers here say your W has to think she may lose you before she'll consider reconciling, that seems to have been the case in my sitch (although reconciling hasn't been discussed yet).
I guess what I'm saying is you have to do what's right for you, for your health and for your mental well-being. But it's not a bad idea to hang onto just a tiny bit of hope that reconciliation may still be a possibility, because often when things seem darkest that's when the tunaround starts. Sometimes the LBS finally closes the door and nails it shut and at that point the WAS wants back in and in effect the LBS becomes the WAS. It's happened a few times on here.
Another Stander thank you for the words of encouragement. Right now that helps alot.
I'm working my hardest on detaching only at maybe 60% right now though. This AM my MIL had a procedure and I had a bad dream about it so when I awoke I wanted to be there for it. So I surprised my W and FIL by showing up after I dropped the kids off at school. I figured I was truly going for my MIL so it was ok. W and I talked while waiting and had good conversation. She did start to hit on a few subjects that involved R and I told her I didn't want to discuss that. I think it went well and I was able to show my support for my MIL.
She did start to hit on a few subjects that involved R and I told her I didn't want to discuss that.
That probably wasn't the place for it, but if she wants to talk about it then by all means let her. The DB 180 tips say not to initiate R talks, but it's OK to let your spouse bring it up and discuss it. If she does then just validate her emotions. Don't agree or disagree, just say things like "it sounds like you are (mirror her emotions back, sad, angry, depressed, etc.) and I can understand why you feel that way." Be a great listener. 80% listening, 20% talking, and the talking should only be to validate and lead her to open up more.
Sorry AS I probably should have worded that differently. What my W brought up was running into the OM W one day. And since she knows that the two of us have stayed in contact(OMW and myself) she wanted to know what the OMW thought of her. I know its odd but she will contact me every two weeks or month or vice versa to compare notes and lies. Not sure how heathly this is but I figure its a good source of information.
W came to pick up the kids last night:( I hate it because that is when the life goes out of my apt. I try to stay upbeat when they leave but its hard. I kick myself for taking them being around for granted before. What an idiot!
Before she left I decided to to ask her if I could talk to her. Told her no pressure and I just needed to say some things to her. She agreed.
I started the converstation by letting her know I wasn't telling her this to to "win" her back. I needed to apologize for my actions for closure. I told her I read some old letters from her and pieced things togethor from research I'd done lately and it hit me. I wasn't there for her mentally and didn't tell her how beautiful she was and that she "was" good enought. I did my best to care for her in which I thought was right but my LL wasn't hers. Her parents always compared her to her brother and still do to this day. She never felt good enough for them. She has a lower self esteem and maybe self worth due to this. But she puts up a tough ext so its hard to tell. Or at least for a stupid guy. Needless to say I sincerely apologized for not taking care of her needs and being a better husband. I told her I understood now why she has done what she has. The other guys told her what she wanted to hear. I'm sure they complimented her and put her on a pedestal to lift her ego and that made her feel good. Doesn't make it right but I undertand now. And you know what she said??? "All I wanted was to hear it from you"..........broke my heart.
She then proceeded to apologize for her actions and told me she feels bad for letting everybody down. Me, the kids, Her parents, my parents. She knows what she is doing is effecting the kids and she feels terrible. I told her its hard to tell as she seems so happy. She admitted that was just a facade. She thought she'd be going out having fun with her freinds now that shes on her own but most of them are in relationships and aren't into that now. So sometimes she just watched movies by herself and maybe goes shopping to fill the time. Wow this made me feel a little better.
We ended with a real hug and I told her that I do still love her but I understand she is involved with OM. I said I know that has to play its course before we can even be freinds. I told her I have done what she wanted as far as the D is concerned. I have gotten the paperwork ready but she will need to sign it first as I refuse to. I will sign it after her but she can take a day, a week, a month, etc to decide. I won't slow the process but I won't speed it up either.
The appt with the attorney was today but it got cancelled as the attorney has the flu. Sign?????? We will see......
W came to pick up the kids last night:( I hate it because that is when the life goes out of my apt. I try to stay upbeat when they leave but its hard. I kick myself for taking them being around for granted before. What an idiot
This s^^ks I walk kids round to W every week (she lives 2 mins round the corner) and find myself clock watching until its time to get their things together and go. When I say bye and door closes on me I could cry as I walk home alone : ' (
I'm sure like everything else this will get easier but for now I go home and tidy/clean/Hoover to keep me occupied
Chin up
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Looked at my business bank acct last night. Not good:/ I've been in a funk for about 6 weeks now and havent done much work to speak of lately. I'm self employed and this is my normal slow time anyways. Before it was never a big deal because we were a dual income family. Now I'm almost broke and on my single income. That [censored]
So a buddy called me and asked me to help him out of a jam he got into. It involved working with him today so I said sure. It was below freezing most of the day here and the work was outside. I know for some of you that is the norm but in the PNW thats cold. It was nice to work to keep my mind off things. But then I get home and I'm worn out and alone. I miss coming home to my family. I'm a long ways from detached. This is going to take a long time. I guess that makes sense, I mean I was with her for 17 years..
Kids are coming home today!!! Hoping to go work out and then grocery shop before they get here. This week my goal is to get up at a normal time and work every day. I need the money but I mostly need to try to move forward. This "treading water" thing I've been doing is not working. I really miss my family but I realize waiting for it to come back together isn't realistic. I must figure out how to GAL!
As far as detaching, I havent spoken or text W in 2-3 days. This has been hard because she has shot me a few texts and games in the mean time. Right now I'm going dark until I can figure out handle communication with W. Any suggestions?
