Thanks Snodderly! "Flip the coin" those are my H's words, verbatim. I think he read, "How To Act as an MLCer", ha!
My adult H had a fit about a doc. on gas in the water supply throughout the lands, and minutes later turned the tv to Pee-wee on broadway, laughing out load. Yes, classic circling around and landing right into bed, depressed and angry once again.
Funny how it's a challenge for me to do for myself. I have empty nest syndrom but nobody has left the nest, and I am left without the H to be running away with not that all the hard work is done.
But I will learn...I will try something new everyday...at least that what I tell myself
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
My timeline Journal Dec 7th- H brings up our R, telling me he could live the rest of his life with me, I'm still a very beautiful women, great companion, wonderful mom. Explaining some of the crazy thoughts in his head about reliving his young years. I say nothing while wondering does he really think I want him, is he that narcissistic or oblivious to the jackass he's become?
Dec 14th- H insists "again" there is no romance...he insists he not trying to get a life with ea...he also insists that she is a horrible person who he will now know for the rest of his life, because there is a good person beneath the crazy and she's all alone. I said then you will forget you know me...he said no, I won't do that. I told him, were done! I told him to get out of my house!
No, he didn't get out, but we have been very estranged. I have gone very NC on him as he has become very isolated. We spent the next days barely sitting in the same room together.
Dec 30th- Reeling over something that set off his anger he said to me (after not talking for a while) that ea was him, broken, and that's why he has to fix her, not leave her alone to die. I said "good luck with that" that's why you won't have me.
He actually said why don't I help him help her ! He really isn't doing anything for her and I am so much more resourceful. Going on about how we were the family everyone came to, looked up to. No comment- I read that during Dep a spouse can take any neg. and put it straight onto themselves. And, if she's him, then well! What I way for him to make me the bad guy!
Jan 2- H is angry again about world happenings, drugs, gangs, ect. and tells me that he could be helping ea, then he proceeds to give the same speech about how he's not my h, not a father, not a S, not a man, I'm not even in the room at this time. He says it's not me and I can't help him, mind you I haven't tried to help him in a long time. He doesn't have any new material.
Jan 4- He comes home from work as "himself", I didn't engage him as I was trying to stay true to myself. Says hi, using the enduring name he's had for me since the begging, compliments dinner, expresses "humanly" how tired he is from work and goes to my bed.
When I put it all out there like that I can see things a little clearer. I think I am able to see H's confusion about himself, his past, present and future all seem to be choking his sense of reality and putting him into a panic. Yes, he has actually said these words as well.
He has insisted that he was on his way out mentally from the family, and himself way before he met ea. I remember clearer now that I am not so distraught within myself. If I really think about it he flipped around May, 08 with my back surgery being the very last thing to send him over the edge after loosing our dream home.
He is wounded looking for something, anything and he will not hesitate to give up everything in hopes of finding ''it''! He has manifested his sickness onto others in order to help them and in turn help himself. He says he's out for himself now.
Is this D talk...is this my que to leave? It feels so final and over that I am now floundering, trying to GAL where I've never looked before, GAL when I actually had one, a good one, with plans for these days when D18 was finally out of school.
Empty nest? Huh...empty bed...empty heart!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
dawn, Your h is rambling and actually thinking out loud. Yes, he left the marriage emotionally most likely long before the ea came on the scene. That's why it is easier for them to disconnect once the BD has taken place. What he has said is classic mlc talk and he is still confused because he's going back and forth.
I wouldn't leave. If he's that d@mn unhappy, he should be the one to leave. I would continue to GAL and try to get on w/your life as best as possible. Either your h will remain in the home and act out and be miserable or he'll leave. He may even talk about leaving each and every time something happens that he doesn't like. He may even attempt to push your buttons so that you will put him out. Whatever happens, do not leave your home. Only you will know when you've had enough and will determine when he needs to go.
Try to keep the focus on you. I know it's difficult when they are living in the home, but you'll need to look at him as just a roommate for now and not a husband.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly - He must be classic MLC because everything you said is as if you know him personally, I guess you do in a sense.
Talk about leaving my home is my own fight or flight defense I have always had due to my childhood. He did try to push me to kick him out but I have learned that if I'm NC he can't push me. Though I have to say that the last 3 days he's been away at work and it's been awesome!
Seeking - I spend time everyday on myself trying to figue out what I want and the answers are very typical. I think I am looking for answers that might be more life changing, thrilling, maybe even very out of my comfort zone.
I feel as if I am too comfortable, plain-jane, to find the excitement I really think I may be looking for. The simplicity in life and family is what attracted us to each other in the first place and now he's mister, go GAL that's is so opposite of our beliefs.
Journaling - My kids like the ''mom'' in me, H says he doesn't want me to change, don't go down his road, but the truth is I feel a little left behind as everyone else's life is changing. They were always living a life that I made easy for them, one that came with the security of knowing that I'm always here.
Who's there for me, who is my backup or paver of my path, I feel so alone. I never got that from my parents, that life line you send your kids out into the world with, that came from H, we did that for each other. I did/do that for my kids, even as adults they still look back sometimes to see if I'm backing them.
I don't wear a wedding ring, I go by myself to the usual places and people are starting to notice. H's work buddies are steering away from him and one of them asked me how are things to which I replied, not very well. Nobody will be surprised if he leaves, because they see he's wackadoodle, but they would be surprised that he chose leaving, what they call the perfect family, over getting help.
None of that helps me though, huh, I'm still the LBS who's path is unsure sending me into my own stages of my H's MLC.
thanks everyone!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
And I highly suggest you keep reading. It is really sad, and yet, beautiful how it all works. Fascinating really. It s*cks too, to see the dreams be torn apart like that, but if you have learned one thing so far, it's that this is something he is going to have to do. You have to do what's best for you and the family and let him take his trip. Like an addict, he'll have to hit bottom before he'll make any changes in another direction.
Where did you find the story?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's a very long read but worth it as he unravels all the happenings in his life and what was in his head. I also appreciate how he gives his wife's point of view on things. I can learn from her limited but affect actions.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Thanks Dawnmarie. That is heartwrenching, but well worth the read.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
[quoteI feel a little left behind as everyone else's life is changing. They were always living a life that I made easy for them, one that came with the security of knowing that I'm always here. [/quote]
i feel a bit like that too, now that you say it out loud. i'mpreetyy clueless about this "gal" and it being there all of a sudden, ka bam. seems to me "a life" took sooo many years to get- thought i had - like you, sitting here scratchng my head saying what happened, where'd it go?...
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Who's there for me, who is my backup or paver of my path, I feel so alone.
i have had a theory that when the chips are down- and we feeel soooo awful - it seems unfixable- we do always feel alone- no matter who may be where- it can't make a difference. i feel alone too- when bad things happened in the past- it was the same. so, are we alone? or does it just feel that way when we're in the pits of despair?
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None of that helps me though, huh, I'm still the LBS who's path is unsure sending me into my own stages of my H's MLC.
it's true- they've shoved us out of our nests and our lives and we're just treading water- thinking wtf and wondering if we've got it in us to get back to shore. i think yes, since if the alternative is lay down and die we'd both have done it by now. got the survival instinct i think- to carry on - whether like it or not- whether know the way or not- just one foot in front of other.
i swer to God- i truly hope a day does come when we both have some sort of awakening- know the right thing- do the right thing- feel the peace of knowing things are falling in to place- do you feel now like you'll ever feel it again- peace and certainty that your life is on it's right course? not me-
i'm saying - here's a hug- i share your confusion- lonliness & misery tonite. this too shall pass. we gotta believe
hang in there- one of these years it will get better - if for no other reason than exhaustion & lack of caring. somehow-
! He really isn't doing anything for her and I am so much more resourceful. Going on about how we were the family everyone came to, looked up to. No comment- I read that during Dep a spouse can take any neg. and put it straight onto themselves. And, if she's him, then well! What I way for him to make me the bad guy! 