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Re: How to make it work again? [Re: makingmagic] #2335351
04/03/13 01:51 AM
04/03/13 01:51 AM
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Posts: 1,352
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needgrace Offline
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needgrace  Offline
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hey SS, how are you?!? hope all is well smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: needgrace] #2335420
04/03/13 12:54 PM
04/03/13 12:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline OP
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scaredsilly  Offline OP
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Hello, Grace! I'm doing very well. H and I are traveling together and enjoying our lives and our marriage.

I think getting his adult daughter out of our home and our marriage has done wonders. We are almost back to the way we were before that all happened.

My focus has changed from H and his kids and family to me, my relationship with H, and my relationships with my son and his family.

What I've learned from all this, primarily, is that I'm entitled to have a happy life, just as others are, and that I'm responsible for making my needs known in a nonthreatening way. Otherwise, resentments build and that leads to bad behavior (at least for me) and isolation.

Thank you for stopping by. I can see on your thread that you're making progress in your life and finding more enlightenment and happiness each day. I know you'll be happy, too!


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: How to make it work again? [Re: scaredsilly] #2336429
04/06/13 04:04 PM
04/06/13 04:04 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
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needgrace Offline
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hi SS,

so happy to hear that you are doing well and are enjoying your life.

i was just thinking about you today and am so excited about what i am learning and wanted to share it with you...

i was listening to a talk on shame and it's impact on worthiness and think i have uncovered so much about what i have been confused about recently... i have been struggling with understanding what made some of the people (like yourself) on this board able to move forward through this process without getting STUCK in beating themselves up and despair about their M.

brene brown gave a talk on shame on the soundstrue website. she said that she initially thought that people who felt worthy had more beautiful lives (no stretchmarks, hardships, etc.) but what she learned from the research is that it was not that way... that the difference was that in the middle of their struggles, they were not willing to put their worthiness on the table... they were not willing to give that away. They did not get stuck in the SHAME which creates unworthiness. it was not that they did not have feelings of shame but that they were shame resilient and were able to work through those feelings.

i thought of you... and brit... and so many others on here that seemed to move through this process much easier... and i think that may be the key. what do you think?

i was excited to share this with you bc you have helped me question and seek until i discovered this... thank you.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: needgrace] #2336756
04/07/13 11:41 PM
04/07/13 11:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline OP
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scaredsilly  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,219
Grace, I definitely felt severe shame in the beginning of my sitch. I always tried to avoid my neighbors and would tell them my H was working out of town to explain his absence. Luckily, he did work away a lot so they were used to it. I was so ashamed of being a failure and being "dumped".

I never told anyone but my family about us. I'm retired so I didn't see our friends from work anymore, either. It was all so embarrassing. I did myself away, only going to see family and avoiding all who knew us both.

I have to say, what helped me the most was the letters and lists I wrote to myself. My H had rewritten history so much that, after the initial shock of how terrible I was, I started to rethink all of his versions of me and our marriage.

I began with a list if things I had done for him, his kids, his family, and his friends. I tried to remember everything I did that was generous, living, and considerate towards the people he said I hadn't done enough for.

The list was pretty amazing. I've devoted my life with him to making him happy and I knew that included going way overboard with his family.

It was good to see it all. It helped me to see that he was wrong about me in so many ways. Oh, I had my faults and I worked on them and made myself better but I would not let my goodness be ignored nor forgotten, if only for myself.

Then, I made a list of the things his adult daughter did to me while she lived with us for 2 1/2 years, all expenses paid by him AND me while he was away six months of the year.

It was very enlightening for me. I realized that my resentment was justified but what I did about it was my biggest problem, along with my H's reactions to his daughter.

So, to make a long story shorter, it took away a lot of my shame. I realized that I was a very worthwhile human being. I realized that I had trained people to be ungrateful by doing way too much for them and sacrificing my own needs. I also realized that I needed to find new ways of expressing my needs and my boundaries.

Looking at what I had given was my turning point. It wasn't an overnight thing but a gradual realization. I was not the only person to blame for our sitch. I was ashamed of my H and my SD, too. But that's their cross to bear. As long as my personal boundaries for my core values aren't trampled on and I'm expressing my needs in a kind and non-blaming way, I will not have shame again. I have to work on it daily.

By the way, that was BS what your W said about how things may have been different had you done something differently at the beginning of her cheating with OW. More of shifting the blame to you, trying to make you responsible for her actions and reactions.

Make the lists, Grace. I'm positive your list of what you've done for her will be pages and pages long. Make the other list, too. I'm sure you suffered.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: How to make it work again? [Re: scaredsilly] #2336962
04/08/13 03:25 PM
04/08/13 03:25 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
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needgrace Offline
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Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
I realized that I was a very worthwhile human being. I realized that I had trained people to be ungrateful by doing way too much for them and sacrificing my own needs. I also realized that I needed to find new ways of expressing my needs and my boundaries.


wow, SS, your post is incredible (i copied it to my thread so that others can read and learn from it.) thank you so so much for the time and the thought you put into it.

i think that i too taught people how to treat me in my Rs. my X and my other significant R in the past both got very self centered and full of themselves, i think bc i had sacrificed my needs and created this dynamic with them...

a while back, based on your words, i had started my list of what X did but I needed to go back and read it again, add to it and remind myself of it. the biggest thing that stood out to me is that how hard she worked to make this all MY fault and how incredibly cruel that is to do to someone who loves you.

i started the list of what i did for her and am still working on it. it is helping me to see things more clearly. i know this will be a process and i am working too on my thoughts and reminding myself over and over that i am worthy and that i am loveable.

thank you so much, SS... i feel as if a light is being turned on for me in how i treat myself and others. ((((((((((((((((((((((SS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: needgrace] #2336991
04/08/13 04:37 PM
04/08/13 04:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline OP
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aw, grace. thank you for your kind words. as for your X, she will have a defining moment in her life, too (she should be so lucky) and will have to look at herself as we all have here.

you are a very worthy and lovable person. i've never met you in the real world but i know it from your postings. so you must really be someone special out there!

you and your X were just not right for each other. you may have been at one time but things change, people grow, some don't, some don't change when they need to.

but, you are so LUCKY to have gone through this. think of all the things you've learned! think of all the work you've done!

i think we all have people who come into our lives and teach us things we need to know. i'm grateful. maybe i wasn't at the time but sometimes all we learn is how to avoid that kind of person or how to stand up for ourselves and get what we need to be happy.

there's no set time for getting through this, i believe. i see some drop the rope right away and some linger and hold on long past the time i would have. however, i see successes for both. so it's strictly up to the individual to work it out. one thing i am certain of, though, is that we DO work it out. we get through it and find out that there is not just ONE person out there for us. there are MILLIONS of them.

((((((NG)))))))


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: How to make it work again? [Re: scaredsilly] #2337069
04/08/13 09:09 PM
04/08/13 09:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
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needgrace Offline
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Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
one thing i am certain of, though, is that we DO work it out. we get through it and find out that there is not just ONE person out there for us. there are MILLIONS of them.


dear SS, you are so right, sometimes the hyperfocus on the one can cause us to miss out on being open to the love available to us from so so many others..

i feel as if this past year has been a master class in self growth... i am truly grateful for it. i had two of my best friends (the couple who stood up at our first ceremony) tell me yesterday how much they have seen me grow and open up this past year.. what a blessing it was to hear that the work i am doing is showing up in how i interact with others.

thank you for the kind words and support, SS. i feel similarly about you, i wish i knew you IRL.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: needgrace] #2357187
06/11/13 02:34 PM
06/11/13 02:34 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
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needgrace Offline
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hi SS, miss your updates.. thinking about you and hoping you are well and happy. (((((((((((((((((((SS)))))))))))))))))))))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: needgrace] #2362266
06/27/13 10:46 PM
06/27/13 10:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,047
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Crazyville Offline
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Me too. There aren't enough success stories here. Anything new? Hopefully, all is good!


Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13
Re: How to make it work again? [Re: Crazyville] #2362542
06/28/13 10:38 PM
06/28/13 10:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline OP
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scaredsilly  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,219
Wow, it's been on hell of a ride. I've been there and back. I'll try to make this shorter than a novel.
My H and I got back together last December. We were doing wonderfully, or so I thought. We only had issues with his adult children and our joint finances being used to help support them. We had stopped supporting his daughter when she graduated from college in December and as far as I was concerned, I was done. This money flow to them was over for me. In fact, I had put it on my list to him as a boundary I was not willing to give up. His kids and I have very little to do with each other and there are many more people I love whom I'd rather give money to if I were so inclined.
Anyway, we got back into town in April and had an disagreement about some money I will be getting as inheritance from my mom. It's not a lot but I want to give it to my son. Keep in mind that my H stipulated in our prenup that any inheritance coming to him from his mother would not be marital property (as the laws usually state).

This did not sit well with H. I later found out that he thought that since I was unwilling to give his adult children anymore money, my inheritance should be ours. This was on Monday. On Friday morning, he AGAIN dropped the bomb that we should not stay together (divorce). I was dumbfounded.

We talked for a while but I would not agree to give his kids our money unless it was a loan. I did not know he was upset about the inheritance at that time.
He went to work and I called my DIL and told her, "He wants a divorce again!"

She, too, was astonished. We had been having such good times together.

Well, now it gets terrible. A few hours later, DIL calls me and tells me that my 17 year old grandson had seen H at an outdoor event, on the beach, on Tuesday night, dancing with another woman whom he left with. H was supposed to be working in another town, about 50 miles away, going over on Tuesday morning and returning Wednesday afternoon.

I immediately called him at work (this was Friday) and told him what I knew: that he had been in town, dancing with a woman, and asked my grandson not to tell his mother or grandmother (me) and that he and I had been "having problems" and he was just dancing with his boss's wife. I ask him whom he was dancing with and he said the same thing. Then he said he was coming home. It was three hours before he usually gets off.

So, I called his boss's wife since she's a brunette and my grandson said H was dancing with a blonde. Of course, she did not dance with H.

During the next three to four weeks, the biggest lies I've ever heard were told to me. I was in hell. I knew he was lying. Every time I proved he lied, he replaced that lie with a new one. He kept saying he wanted a marriage counselor to help him tell the truth. I asked him to move out and he went back to his mother's.

I've never hated anyone so much in my life.

Finally, the day of our appointment with the marriage counselor, he agreed to come clean with the truth, prior to our visit. He finally admitted that his high school sweetheart, who had been living in Texas, and whom he had never been able to convince to have sex with him over 30 years ago, had moved back to our town. Her husband had died of a heart attack at 49. She moved back and called H at his office while we were separated in march of last year. They had had lunch together, gone on a boat ride with her two kids (in OUR friggin' boat) over the 4th of July, and he had sex with her when her kids went back to Texas to visit their grandparents the last two weeks of July. He swears it was only once and that the next time he saw her ( two days later) they both stated that it gas been a mistake and that was the last time he saw her...until the beach dance.

He states he went to the dance with his boss and the wife ( she confirms) and saw the b**** there and decided that since we had such major differences about the monies, he would just move forward and this would help make the break from me.
He left with her and spent the night at her house. He says he slept on the couch. He says that her three kids were there ( they were) and she would never do anything while they were home. He also states that the sexual incident was so catastrophic that he never wanted sex with her again.

I never thought I would stay with him after infidelity. In fact, I've always told him it would be a deal breaker. But, we are still together. We are still going to counseling. He has done a drastic 180. When I told him I was through, it's as if he fell back in love with me again. He tells me everywhere he goes. He let me put a GPS tracker on his phone. Whenever I'm sad or angry, he comforts me and apologizes for hurting me. He's more attentive of my needs than he's ever been in our entire marriage. He sent the b**** (sorry, I hate her) a "no contact" letter that stated his relationship with her was a horrible mistake, that he was trying to win back my love and get his integrity back, and for her to never contact him in any way. It stated that she was never to call him again and should she see him out, to not attempt any contact. I was very happy the morning I took that letter to the post office to mail it, certified, return receipt ( and she signed for it the next day).

Am I a success story? I don't know. I feel as if I'm falling deeper in live with my H each day because of his loving and tender treatment towards me. However, I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions, with sadness and anger coming and going several times a day. My mind is constantly on the happenings that went on while we were separated. I have decided to limit my questions and discussions about it to one hour, one evening a week. I know my anger was damaging when I didn't restrain it.

I'm reading MANY books about how to make it through infidelity, two and three at a time on my kindle! I've read that it can take several years to get through this. I'm feeling much better about us now but there are days that I just want to get my own home without H because he represents so much pain in my life. I must really love him a lot?


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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