How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

Hello friends. My H and I have decided to try to make our marriage work after a one-year separation.
After the first 6-7 months of separation, I "dropped the rope" and had started D movement. My L was just about to send H a letter when H sent me an email with questions about the possibility of him being my H again.

I stopped all D activity with mt L and after some R conversations with H, he decided he wanted to come home.

What I'm finding is our interactions seem a little stiff, guarded, and just generally uneasy. How do we get through this? I've suggested to H that it might be a good idea to have a weekly one-hour, or so, consultation with each other to express anything we might have on our minds about our M. He said he thought it would be a good idea.

Any suggestions from anyone on more ways to get a feeling of closeness again?

Thanks for any input.

[Crazyville]

SS, have you read the book, "After the Affair?" I haven't but thought I'd pick up a copy. I don't remember if your H did anything in line with an actual affair, but I'm thinking it might still be appropriate because it all boils down to betrayal of the R, right? In your case, you probably feel like his kids were "the other woman." I know I do. At minimum, it figure it has to have something in it about healing the R and rebuilding intimacy in the worst-case scenario, so even a few nuggets in it might be helpful.

Any btw, this is a "what do you think," as opposed to advice, because what the heck do I know.

[scaredsilly]

CV, I think that's a great idea. You are right; his daughter seems almost like a mistress! I did feel that a part of him leaving was to show her that she was more important to him than I was.

I'll go on amazon and get it. I got myself a new kindle fire foe Xmas and I get a free book out of the lending library this month so I'll try there first. Thank you so much for the suggestion. I need all the help I can get!

[Crazyville]

I'll be curious to hear from you later which is more difficult -- what you went through the last year or what you're going through now in piecing.

[scaredsilly]

i can tell you that so far, the first 6-7 months of what i went through last year was so much more difficult than what i'm doing now. however, it became much easier the last half of our separation and i was very happy, hence, the difficulty now. i was getting very used to living on my own, doing whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, and with whomever i wanted. i'm giving that up a little now...

i'll let you know my progress with the current sitch.

[bustingout]

SS!!!!!!! I saw your post in newcomers and I wanted to tell you how happy I am for you! I am really inspired by you and look forward to following you on the next part of your journey.

Happy New Year SS :-) :-)

[tori2012]

SS, I didn't realize you had a new thread. First of all, congrats! Second, I read a book about coming back together after a separation. I wish I had read it before my H moved back into the house after his A was over. We made a lot of mistakes and he ended up wanting a D and moving out again. So read this book:
Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner - And Make It Last by Bettie B. Youngs.

The most important thing is to figure out if the physical move back together makes sense now. You say you got used to being on your own and interactions are a bit stiff. Maybe something gradual would be better--the book talks about this.

Best of luck! (((((()))))

[~ kd ~]

SS, keep posting here like a journal. Ask questions. Others who have been or are piecing should come along soon enough to support you.

Remember, piecing is different. What you did initially is to detach and move forward, now... you must re-attach. A huge part of that is to fix what ever trust issues were broken in the first place.

Again, what were his reasons for leaving? Think back on that. I get that type of conversation with him might scare you (and him), yet these things did not just go away.

Did you fix the things you know were his original reasons for leaving, that were in fact valid?

What about his issues? While you work on your things, does he know what things were / are bothering you that he could work on?

[scaredsilly]

thanks, tori. i will get that book. i appreciate you telling me about it.

KD, H and i have agreed to try to discuss our relationship on an ongoing basis, once a week. we did this yesterday. we agreed we would discuss what was going on with each of us as far as possible resentments, appreciations, and things we might need from the other.

i have tried to be more vulnerable with him because he previously (and maybe even now) thinks i am too protective of myself and "strong willed". i'm trying to accept that i'm not always right and that when i make a mistake, to appologize for it instead of trying to ignore it and not speak about it or defend myself.

that's what i need from him, too. he has a hard time apologizing. i think he needs to be right, a lot. i need him to apologize so i can let it go. an apology makes things so much easier for both people.

one of the things that came up yesterday, was any financial assistance to his adult kids (23,25,& 27). we have been subsidizing his D23's rent to the tune of $470/mo. for about 17 months. she just graduated from college in december and now i want it to stop. it will be the first time since we were married that we won't be giving money to his kids (child support ended five years ago).

it's hard for him to stop but it's a line in the sand i will not waiver on. i have waited so long to have a marriage that is only about us. i have a son, too. he's 40. he has a family and we offer no financial assistance to him. we have a living trust that dictates that any financial "gifts" to one side be matched with an equal amount to the other. until now, i have not asked for this to be enforced. now i'm pretty much settled on it being the way we handle these things, going forward.

i think i've been very generous. with what we've given his adult kids over the past five years (4 1/2 years they lived with us and we supported them while they were in school), we could have taken two very nice vacations.

i don't see how to make him see that i should have to give financial assistance to his kids anymore. he likes to bring up all kinds of hypothetical situations and pose them to me, things that may never happen but might. i'm not wanting to be pulled into this "trap". i can only say i don't want to give them anymore money and if "we" do, i want it matched with my son. he's opposed to that. why can't he see that i feel the same way? i don't want to give money to someone else's adult kid?

he seems to feel guilty and it's been an ongoing thing in our relationship; "guilty dad syndrome" and it feels like it will never stop.

i just want a marriage, now, where we are the two most important people in our relationship and the rest of our family members have their own lives that we can enjoy.

any suggestions? it's starting to feel hopeless again...

[scaredsilly]

i just thought of another thing i worked on this weekend that H had complained about before. he used to say i didn't want to do things with him. part of that is that he's an extrovert and seems to need "constant" stimulation, and i'm and introvert and appreciate more quiet time and reflection.

this weekend, he asked me to go a couple of places with him (walk on the beach and another walk the next day). i was busy ordering something on line that he needed for a project the first time. he texted me a picture of the beach and i decided to walk over. it was mostly out of guilt that i went but after i got there, i really enjoyed the view and our time together.

then, yesterday, in the afternoon, he asked if i wanted to go for a walk and i said yes. we walked a couple of miles, around the neighborhood, and really had a nice time talking and looking at different things.

so...i guess that's progress?