I will get by....

[wishing, hoping]

I am worried that H is gonna start spending all the money and keep it from me? He said something about it being a "free for all" with the money. I am nervous because he is mad and capable of anything. I should put my trust in God and not give H my energy but I need strategies. Any advice?

Ps the kids do not want to talk to him. I don't have to make them do I?

[~ kd ~]

Ps the kids do not want to talk to him. I don't have to make them do I?

You can't make them and if it is harmful to them, then they should not be in contact with him.

OTOH, you may not do anything to encourage a R with him, and in doing so you are covertly suggesting that they should not have a R with him.

You do want to talk with them and encourage with them to have the best R with him that they can, that it will be different than the R they had with him in the past.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks KD.

I did ask S several times if he wanted to call his dad. He said he was playing or he was busy. And fwiw they did talk to their dad today. So it's not like they haven't been in contact. Sometimes a little conversation with them goes a long way. It's not harmful for them to talk with him but it gets to the point sometimes where they can't enjoy themselves without having to stop what they are doing and talk to their dad.

I know it's the wrong attitude but I keep wondering what I did to deserve this? It's not about me, I know that, but I am in his path.

[seeking answers]

W.H,
Try not to worry. Your H is acting like an a$$ because he is so pissed that he didn't get his way. My H also tried to use threats after I didn't go along with his plan.

You are protected financially because you've already been in front of a judge. If H tries to violate what has been decreed he could be in some very hot water.

Do not let him hoodwink you. Assets have not been separated yet, so yes the car is a marital asset.

He is so mad he's spinning and spitting and will say anything he thinks will get you to back down, worry, or threaten you. Don't let him see you sweat. Keep a record of these incidences.

The best thing you can do is stay under the radar. Do not contact him unless it has to do with finances or kids and make sure it's necessary when you do.

Let him whirl and twirl and hopefully he will eventually burn himself out. It's takes them a long time (if ever) to connect the dots that there are consequences for their choices.

Hang in there and keep track of things from a distance.

[job]

wishing,
Seeking answers is absolutely correct...your h is one mad hatter right now and it's all because he didn't get what he wanted. They will use threats to get you to bend to their will. If they sense even a little teeny weeny crack in your self confidence, they will take a crow bar and pry that little crack into a crater just to get their own way. They do not care about you or the children when they are like this. Their standard response is that the children will be okay and bounce back w/o any trouble. That's not the case.

Don't let this mad hatter see you sweat. Do what you need to do in order to survive and continue your lifestyle. Do not contact him again for anything except finances and the children. He's out for himself and no one else right now.

Give him all of the time and space that he needs so that he can choke on it. He needs to be swinging in the wind for a long time. Document everything he says or does that is not appropriate. Keep your journal hidden and in a safe place. You never know when you will need this info at a later date. Be sure to put the date, time, place in the documentation.

[AJM]

The journal is a very important thing to keep, WH. It may seem odd or overkill at times, but keep the records for later. It may never be needed or it may be needed a year or more down the road. Keep it concise. Courts, if they ask for this type of information, want it almost like a police report - just the facts and dates. No emotional input in the records you give them. It can be very handy later on if needed. I've had to do the same and while at first unpleasant has been very helpful.

What you are seeing is not uncommon, WH. It is also temporary, although temporary may have a long duration. It really is a matter of time before things change again. You will come through this and be very much on your feet.

Until then, take the high road every time. Remember your kids should have a relationship with their father even if at your expense. That's not about you or him, but about the kids. Encouraging them, and going overboard and forcing it are two different things. Please remember that as well.

This gift is not what you asked for and I doubt seriously you deserve it (you don't), but I assure you it will be seen as a gift by you before it's over. You are stronger than many and very smart. There is nothing to gain by facing him head on - this is his trip so stay off the crazy train.

Peace,

AJ

[LoisB]

Wishing,

Just checked in. Had a weekend full of the flu at our house. D18 has a terrible case and we were at the ER today. She is doing much, much better now, but it was a long weekend.

It WILL get better. I call this my Cow Sh!t Story. When things get really bad, I think back to this infamous day in my life which ended with me being covered in cow sh!t.


Last year, around this time, I left a counseling session where H told me how little he thought of me and ever possible reason why and how he wanted me out of his life forever. I had no job, no income, a child with special needs and a million other obstacles.

I was heartbroken. Left the counseling session to arrive home and find D17 and her boyfriend had been in a fender bender in our car. D17's boyfriend fixed the broken wheel well using a drill and those plastic strip ties. Wonderful! Then, I learned that H's dog had run away. This was a geriatric dog who was deaf and blind and it was a terribly cold, winter day.

So, in my incredibly scattered and weary frame of mind, I proceeded to drive around the neighborhood and walk through corn fields in the dark clapping loudly for hours and hours. The geriatric dog could only hear claps so we had a neighborhood of people out clapping (minus H of course--who was too busy to help).

Anyway, we live in a rural area and I was driving in a corn field after someone said they had spotted our dog in this field. I got stuck about a mile into the field. I got stuck in cow poop. Cow Manure. All I could do was laugh.

The farmer had just covered his fields in a a few tons of cow poop and that's where I got stuck. I called H and he didn't answer the phone. I was covered in cow poop from head to toe by the time I got home. It was a great day!!

The moral is... The dog was found, the car unstuck...H was a jerk and still is and who knows what will happen with his MLC/pot-addled brain, but, on that day I had neighbors and friends come out of the woodwork to help me find the dog and get unstuck. Strangers helped me and the kids when my H wouldn't.

The world is full of good people who can see the fact from the crap and will help make a bad situation better if you ask for help. The truth will always rise to the surface and you will be OK.

It will be OK. Breathe.

Heather

[AJM]

Honestly, the cow-[censored] story is going to stay with me a long time, you know that Heather?

AJ

[wishing, hoping]

OMG guys you are the greatest!!! Yes I am keeping a journal and have been for almost a year. I document everything from the time H gets home to what we eat for dinner. If I don't have the journal I keep notes on my phone and transfer them. I started keeping all my receipts so the courts can see exactly what I am spending and what I am spending it on. I have nothing to hide.

And Heather that is the most awful thing I have ever heard. Boy oh boy are you a wonderful person. Your H doesn't know how good he has it apparently.

So H calls me this morning and I brace myself for more spew. Surprisingly he suggests I stay with my mom another day. He says since I had such a horrible experience yesterday I should just relax and stay longer. Of course I immediately get suspicious. I tell him the kids have school and I have to work. He tells me to just take the day off and pull the kids out of school. I don't like doing that and I have taken a lot of time off lately for weather, holidays and court. So I made the decision to just come home anyway and go back for a longer trip next month when the kids have some time off school. H calls about 6 and asks where I am and I tell him I am almost home. He just says oh. I pick up the dog, get home, put stuff away, make dinner and get baths around and he calls and tells me he was "thinking" about coming home (this is about 8:30 pm) but decided that he would just come home in the morning. Like was there ever any doubt? What a surprise not.

I wonder what was his intention by trying to get me to stay at mom's another day? I don't believe he was just trying to be nice. There's always something motivating him.

[LoisB]

I agree with Snodderly, this guy's gonna choke on his own vomit. Maybe the Tilt-a-Whirl switched gears for an instant. Whatever he's up to, rest assured it will only make u look better and he crazier. Let him hav at it.

Heather