Cake-Eating..I just don't understand

[rosesarered]

I believe my husband started his midlife crises in Spring 2011. He was unhappy but didn’t really talk about it. He seemed angry all the time, especially at me and the kids. We have 2 boys –ages 6 and 8. He started complaining of stomach issues, he started working out and eating healthy food but became obsessed about it. In Nov 2011, he finally told me he was unhappy with me and gave me a list of reasons. So I took this as a wakeup call and pretty much started to focus on our marriage. All the things he complained about, I changed. Then in March of 2012, he gave me the famous line, I love you but not in love with you. I have never felt so rejected in my life. Especially after I thought things were getting better between us. He told me he was thinking about divorce and started to call some lawyers to learn the process. He also learned that we have to be separated a year before we can file because we have children.
So we both started IC and MC for a few months. Then in May, he bought a townhouse and moved out in July. This is when I started to read about MLC, and I realized that this was his journey and not about me.

I learned to detach. It is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do. He doesn’t want to tell the kids truth. He told the boys that he was moving closer to work so he could focus on work. Currently, that’s what they believe and they seem to have gotten used to it.
He comes home from work and eats dinner with us almost every night. He also makes dinner most nights. He stays until 9 and then heads over to the townhouse, 5 min away. This is where he sleeps. He has furnished the entire house there. He recently bought a new car, its on order, a little sports car.

After months of not bringing up our relationship, at one point in October, he told me that the separation has been good, and that he has forgiven me for 2 of the 4 things that he was mad about. But that he is working through the other 2 issues. He claims that I took him for granted and he is not happy about the money we spent visiting my parents who live in Europe over the past 12 years. They would pay for most of our trip, but we would contribute sometimes.

Since that talk, we haven't talked much about the relationship until recently. I slipped up and brought up that I can't live like this forever. I am on an emotional roller coaster and its really hard. He just said that we would talk soon but wasnt ready to go into that night. This was last week. I haven't brought it up since.

I feel like we have become friends again. We talk and text through out the day. He comes home for dinner every night and leaves at 9. Its confusing to me and the kids. We also spend all weekend together doing things as a family. We are also spending christmas eve together. In fact, he asked me to invite our neighbor friends over to his place to see Santa on Christmas eve. His neighborhood is having an event. Then we are going to another neighbors party, just like old times. On Christmas, we are going to his Aunts house.

I just keep acting as if everything is ok. Its just weird that he runs away each night. Does he really think its ok to continue doing this, its been 6 months.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.


DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[littleGTO]

Wow! Some interesteing similarities in our sitchs. My H has moved out about 7 weeks ago. He too comes to the house every day and spends time w our 3 boys. He also comes and hangs out every weekend about noon to dinnertime.

Our boys are getting used to this...but it is very difficult as the LBS to live through. Abnormal normalcy, I call it.

(One MAJOR diff. is my H is having an EA!)

I don't think you "slipped up" by telling your H you can't live like this forever, b/c it's true! He needs a bit of a reality check.

What do YOU want ultimately? ARe you willing to be patient (not knowing the end results)? MLCers are the hardest in that we will never know how LONG this journey will be & we have to GAL in the meantime & decide where WE want to be.

GOod luck!

[rosesarered]

Thanks turtlegirl. How did you find out your husband was having an EA? I wonder about mine. He is always looking at his phone and guards it closely. I try not to worry about it because I have no proof. He is always at the house except when he leaved at 9 each bight.

I know what you mean by the new abnormal norlmacy. I just had my birthday this week H made a very nice Italian dinner. Then he gave me my present which was a basket of Italian food. After 17 years I just thought - how impersonal. At least he gave me something and turn told me he has something better for Christmas. I thanked him for the gift.

So he went to BJs to buy some food for the weekend. He came home with a new running jacket for me. I thought that was super sweet. Why does he have to make it so confusing. With the kids today- one minute he is super nice and then the next he was yelling at them for no reason.

Anyway; he is gone for the night. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to his place with the neighbors to see water skiing Santa. Sometimes I think, I can keep doing this because we are still doing things as a family. Othertimes, I think I cant keep up the pretence any longer.

[MKB23]

Cadet is dead on. I can't help but think everything you write was H centered. What about you? What do you want?

[faithisbelieving]

I will post to you one of the earliest posts that I received when I got on this website years ago: "this is going to be a long road and difficult one." If you have time, see if you can go back and read my thread.

IMO, MLC is a smokescreen for US. It gives us a reason to explain the unexplainable and also the most painful thing that ever happened to us. Don't start to live in denial. Prepare. Move on. GAL. Protect yourself.

FIB

[littleGTO]

Good advice, faith!

It is very difficult to answer the WHY answer to our sitch's, so even though I do ask myself that, I've tried NOT to too much b/c it doesn't make a lot of sense.

rose, my H TOLD me about his EA after 6 months under the radar---I really had NO clue that this was a possibility, as I couldn't believe HE would EVER do this to me. We had a good M, so I thought.

I'm not saying your H is involved w OP, but it IS possible. Even if he is not, he is living a DOUBLE life, similar to my H. He has his CAKE w you & family then he goes to his own condo to live & breathe in HIS space.

I agree you have to GAL. Me too. It isn't easy. In fact I agree that it's the hardest thing we'll ever do. You have actually been doing this far LONGER than I but I do know it takes the patience of a saint.

I tell myself often to take the higher ground, live "as if.." (as if life might not include H in the future, at least as my H). With children involved he will always be part of your life.

At some point you have to decide what YOU want. Are you willing to wait indefinitely, or just for now? Would it help to establish more specific boundaries for YOU? Would it help to give yourself a timeline?

Good luck, rose, this isn't easy!

[rosesarered]

So I need to think long and hard about what I want. I feel like I have put so much into this in 2012. 2013 will be about a new begining for me.

Just makes it hard whe. Today was a fun day. We spent the afternoon with friends at his house. Felt like old times....but it wasn't. He showed me the new closet he had installed and I asked if he was going to move the rest of his clothes. He looked at me with big surprised eyes and said no.
I feel like I just need to get through new years and then I can start to come up with a plan and establish new boundaries.

I have been speaking to Laurie- the DB coach. She says when I am ready. She will give me the advice on what to say to create some space for me. Perhaps trial a new schedule where he comes home 1 day a week for dinner and takes the kids every other weekend. That way I will have some control of my life. I will be nervous to take this leap but I do believe this needs to happen when I am ready. I am getting there.

[rosesarered]

Quick update. Christmas was really nice. H spent the night on Christmas eve. We stayed up late just chatting about this career. He is unhappy in his job and is starting up a side venture. I just listened and supported his ideas. He bought me some nice Christmas presents. we went to his aunts house for Christmas dinner. At one point I could hear his uncle asking him about his new car and then asking about his new work ventures. They know about our situation. So I wonder what they think. Anyway, it was a nice evening. We came home and then he left again at 9:30 to go to his place. I just kept think, what type of person would leave their family on Christmas night. I could tell my kids were upset that he was leaving. They ask him every night if he is sleeping here. I wonder if it gets to him?

Anyway, I had zero expectations so i don't get disappointed anymore but I do still question. I guess I can't help that.
Anyway, I was sick in bed all day yesterday. H took kids to his place to play xbox so that I could sleep. Then they came home for dinner. He had bought me all new Christmas greenery with lights that he found on sale. It was really nice. Then he made plans with his neighbor and left at 7:30.

So my plans this week to GAL.
Going out to brunch on Sunday with friends.
Going to see Les Mis tonight at the movies with friends.

[rosesarered]

Another update. My H came home tonight with a large canvas painting of Venice. Its beautiful and I love it. I have wanted a new picture for that space for a long time. in the past week, he brought home 2 other gifts for me, a running jacket and new holiday greenery lights since my outside trees went out. All of these are really nice and make it so confusing. Why does he do this. I think his primary love language is giving gifts and acts of service. Meanwhile mine are physical touch and quality time. So for many years, we spoke different love languages and I had no clue. That book gave be great insight. Now I try to bring home little gifts every once and a while. I try not to over do it.

Anyway, he offered to take the boys over to his place to sleep one night again this weekend. I put my foot down as I think it will confuse them. I told him that I am fine for that to happen if we make it a regular schedule and tell them whats going on. He doesn't seem to want to do this. He said, "so you are going to put this all on me". I said "yes, because you know I don't want any of this. If there is no chance for us to reconcile then fine. Lets tell them." He said, "I didn't say that". (I smiled internally at that). He just said, "I don't know what to tell you, I am still angry at you". I responded, "thats fine". I didn't defend myself or say anything else.

ugh so frustrating..