My wife of over 8 years has been feeling neglected and not loved for over a year from me. She has complained that I don't give her affection or enough one-one-one quality time. Due to my own ignorance and selfishness I never took steps to correct.
Anyway I discovered back in the beginning of August that she was having an affair. I confronted her and once she finally spilled the beans I did all the wrong things like pleading and begging and generally losing any ounce of dignity.
Anyway she also admitted to an earlier affair back in May as well but she said he wasn't really into it so that fizzled out.
This second affair she refuses to stop. She has said during several arguments and begging sessions of mine that she will just stop but she doesn't really mean it.
She started just leaving me with our young son about two to three nights a week to stay the night with this person. We did marriage counseling and I even tried to accept the relationship so that she could "work through her feelings" but I couldn't deal and just finally left in November.
Without knowing it I have been applying the last resort approach with maybe a few exceptions but I finally picked up the "Divorce Remedy" book.
I have goals, small one's but I have to tell you that I am really just fed up. The lying and "whatever" attitude just rubs me so wrong. I know this is not new for women who have done this but it's really hard for me to stay motivated to try and even work to save this marriage.
I guess I am posting to get encouragement and advice because I don't ever see myself ever trusting this person again. She has been dressing differently she cleaned the house since I've been gone (which leads me to believe that she has had the other guy over).
Even though I have been reading posts here and the book I just don't see how in the world this will ever get better.
Anyone with similar stories with "good news" would certainly be helpful. She is not the same person she was even a year ago. Really selfish and devalues the marriage and even the effect it will have on our child in the long run.
First, I have no "good news" story to share w you, but my sitch is somewhat similar---WAS has been involved in EA for over a year & has disregarded all his values and has left his family (3 boys).
My advice is to work on yourself--save yourself. Take the time to make changes (180s) and show her YOU are the better choice.
Also, decide what YOU want. If she started moving back in your direction, would you want to try to save your M? Can you find forgiveness in your heart? Trust, of course, would take time to rebuild.
(BTW forgiveness is something you need to do for YOURSELF regardless of whether or not your W sees the light).
I'm 6 months in & at a place similar to yours where I'm having a hard time seeing our M being saved. Now, my goal is really about ME and MY BOYS. If H is in the equation great, if not...well, I need to learn to be great w that too.
((()))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
set boundaries about OM. Decide if you want to D or save the marriage. Cut off anything that enables the affair. If you do not understand boundaries. Learn them.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I agree with Turtle in that you have to really save yourself first. What have you done wrong in the M? Who do you want to be? Where did you get lost? Most of the time, this is a serious undertaking figuring these things out and addressing them.
Outside of that, I agree with chatter in that you want to disable the A as it relates to your relationship with W. In other words, I wouldn't watch your S so she can date. Figure it out in a balanced way.
What's the details? Kids? Who moved? Anyone filed? How are financials?
All in all, there is no magic pill, or magic wand. It's a crappy situation that takes time to work thru. Sometimes it results in R of the M....sometimes not. But, if you DB, you will at least save yourself.
Listen to chatterbug. First and foremost decide what you want. Not just what but why you want it. Once you really identify it for yourself you will see how you want to move forward.
