can't tell the sky from the ground

[cantslowdown]

<http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2301341#Post2301341>

I really feel like this is where I belong. I'm not really sure.

So she took my family heriloom silver platter to a christmas party (that i was not invited to) and didn't ask me beforehand. I found it dirty this morning. I cleaned it properly, then went to ask her what she had put on it (it was sticky). She said christmas cookies for a party. I calmly asked that in the future she didn't take it outside the house to use, we have plenty of other platters that can be used that are not sentimental (or silver). It could have been cleaned improperly or stolen and I'm thankful that it wasn't. She raised her voice and called me dramatic. I kept my cool and restated that I wouldn't like it used outside the home and she did not need to raise her voice.

Is this a dramatic request? That my grandmother's silver platter only be used to serve treats within our home? Is this a good boundary? I'm not trying to control her so much as I am protecting my feelings of this being lost, stolen, or damaged. There is sentimental vlaue there and I enjoy using it at Christmas the same as my grandma did. She did not react well to my request. I stayed calm and left it at that. She has ears and can hear. i don't believe I need to repeat myself more.

I haven't been the best boundary setter so I tried to say this calmly and succinctly. Does her reaction speak more of a MLCer or a regular WAW? My stuff seems to have no value to her and she isn't exactly getting on with it when it comes to moving on. She seems more content to sit and stew in her own filth (by filth I mean this negative self centered attitude).

[cantslowdown]

This evening she has been in pick fight mode. No matter what I say she wants to twist it as me being mean. After the third time she tried a snide remark, i just said cut it out, wifes name here. That seems to gave nipped it in the bud for the time being. I hate that I feel like she acts like a teenager in desperate need to be put in her place. I want to at least have civility but she rides her moods like a magic carpet, up over and under...a whole new world.

[cantslowdown]

Wow. After spending about 45 minutes up in the bedroom folding clothes away from her attitude, her tune seemed to change and she was making extra coffee and wishing me luck on my final exam as she was walking out the door for work this evening.

One of the biggest things I am trying to 180 and change about myself is not to get roped into fights and arguments that I KNOW have no resolution. I stayed the course again this evening and the small shift in her attitude is all I have to go by, but perhaps she was subconsciously testing me?

[BeingMe]

I think this is a perfectly logical boundary. If she can't respect your sentimental, and perhaps valuable stuff, remove it to a safer location, such as a bank if you can afford it.

I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I see you have little boys. I feel so bad for children involved in these sitched. Even my children as old as they are, are not happy with these circumstances.

[cantslowdown]

I agree. It's the children that make me think long and hard about seeing this through. I believe they are a good enough reason for me to give it my best shot and become a better man, even when I don't particularly like who my wife has become. Whether or not she stays, I have the clearer mind (I think) right now and have to remain calm for their sake.

As for the dish, I relocated it from the area with our other "party" platters to a much higher out of the way cabinet. If she gets ridiculous with anything else, a safety deposit box is an excellent idea that I had never thought of before. Thanks!

[cantslowdown]

So after my son was sick in the middle of the night last night my wife was ticked that I didn't go down to the basement to tell her even though I had it taken care of. At first I admit I was smug and said she chose to sleep down there and I had it handled since when she doens't get sleep she's very cranky the next day (I can run on a low tank for a few days if need be). Then, without yelling, but arguing just the same (which is to ME a major improvement for both of us) and for the most part staying on topic we came to the agreement that if something happened in the middle of the night, I would call her phone. That way, if she sleeps through it, she was in a deep sleep and if she doesn't she can decide whether or not she's going to help out in the night. I've done my due diligence to keep her informed.

She said that I was too much of a helicopter parent (and that others think her point of view is valid) and I said she was too harsh (and that it doens't matter what others think, it matters what we work out by communicating). We both said it was reaction to the other's style. I came up with the idea that when we noticed the other trending away from the "middle" we'd say the codeword "bananas" to get the other to stop and pause. No other criticism, just "bananas" so we think about our own behavior. She said that I'd get mad if she did this. I said wouldn't because i think its bettter than the two options which are resentment of the other while saying nothing (and then overparenting the other way to compensate)or actually blowing into an argument because we criticize and use hurtful words. By just saying bananas it allows us to think about our own actions and if we feel we are out of line and should continue or not.

[cantslowdown]

Some days I just feel like I've totally lost her, but she just won't go because of all her excuses (which are all my fault).

[cantslowdown]

of course.

[sandi2]

Your wife is a WAW who is having an affair!

Is this a dramatic request? That my grandmother's silver platter only be used to serve treats within our home? Is this a good boundary?

Yes, to a WAW it is pretty dramatic. And, yes it seems controlling to me, unless you would react the same way if she wanted to take the platter to some event you had been invited to (like relatives). But whether or not you would, isn't really the issue here. You just make yourself look rather foolish in her eyes. If you had discussed not ever using the platter outside of your home, and then she took it anyway, I could see you making a bigger deal about it, but this isn't what I consider "boundary" material when much larger problems are at work. A boundary in a R isn't so much about which platter to use. It's about fidelity, truth, honesty, and respect. Sure, you can make your request about the platter known....but don't call it a boundary. A boundary suggests a line not to be crossed, a confined area to stay within, and/or consequences otherwise. The traditional wedding vows is a good place to start with the meaning of boundaries, however, it doesn't state the consequences. I guess it would be obvious or there'd be no need for vows to be spoken and a licensed person to pronounce them as Mr. & Mrs.

You did keep calm, and that's good. But as MWD says, choose your battles wisely. Only you can decide what feels disrespectful to you. In the future, if something like this happens, tell her that it makes you feel disrespected when she knows where you stand. (Make sure she does know, however.) When you have a WAW in an A, it causes you to be hypersensitive about everything, including what belonged to grandma.

IMHO, you need to stay in Newcomers.

[cantslowdown]

Thanks to boundary clarification. The reason I believe she is mlc and not just waw(after everything I'd expect her to be waw) is that her erratic behavior is in line with this entire list:


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

It doesn't excuse my faults but I think it helps me understand and empathize with what she seems to be going through.

As for the platter it left my grandparents home and was transported by my parents to me. I'd never had used it outside the home but until yesterday I wouldn't have thought that'd river be in question. I agree that I am sensitive and trying hard to stay centered. Our wedding view boundaries gave been trampled on and I guess I'm just trying to protect...my emotions without building too many walls.