Is his mother still alive? Did he have any contact w/her pre-crisis? He's going to have to deal w/his abandonment issues as he travels the path too.
she left at age 12 - he didn't talk to her for years til after college - his dad did number on his brain throughout rest of youth - about the mom breakng up fam. & being a "sinner" - evil - etc. - - -
then he went to law school - when he got out and i met him - he was clerking in my office - then working - he was going to her condo on weekends to play tennis & visit. we moved in together nd he quit playing tennis altogether. just like that- of his own accord! (it's apparently his big love in life- but he never even did it til he retired???)
- we entertained her & fam on holidays, etc. she is an amazingly self-centered woman. gets up in middle of thanksgiving dinner - when her other son had just announced they were having a baby- and proceeded to regale evryone with tales of how she was too young & beautiful(?) to be a grandmother - me me me me me - look at me - it's about me
she is quite a jerk/character. their contact dwindled then for about ten or so years- he'd see her at the tennis courts (she and new h were competitors and tennis was/is their life) - until about six or 7 years ago- he had made friends with all her "friends" at courts- he'd won them all over- she was jealous - he was overtly making fun of her i think & she knew it- so she had some minor tiff with a totally obnoxious guy and my h got all outraged (?) (tempest in teapot) and CUT HER OFF - big time. all of a sudden he decided he'd tried - but she was a person he didn't like. too selfish- too self involved, etc. (??) hasn't spoken to her since.
she sneaks & watches him at courts sometimes- he runs away & hides. oh man... am i saying this all out loud.?
i've offered over years to make it happen- he says no and i don't push it- his life - his fam.
HEY WAIT- your question- i'd say he stopped talking to her about 2-3 yrs into what he now says was ten years of being "unhappy". - and i'm still saying truthfully- it all seemed to begin with him quitting smoking - no kidding. he was wonderful on that "drug"...calm & sweet & in control & nice.
that's where it stands. with him- as short as i could make it. I've said bury it with mother too- he swears he won't feel a thing when she dies. her h is still around and other son is "her child". my h does not speak to his brother either.
when brother's wife died a couple years ago - didn't even acknowledge it. didn't go to his wedding, etc. cut off everyone but dad..... (his dad btw never saw other son at all- said "now i have one child" and stuck to it for past 50 years. what a group huh?
what the heck do we make of it all-
thanks for the encouragement and kind words about it not being ALLLLLL MYYYYYYYY FAULTTTTTTT. OH MAN- the blame thing is really something. back in beginning i told him don't put it on me- i'll accept (at best) 50% cause i'm a reasonable person- not all, not for his junk.
nero, Your h has a lot of issues to resolve. I do think he'll work through a lot of them, but it's going to take some time and patience. It's difficult for them to look within and realize that they have to face these issues. That's why a lot of these mlcers don't come full circle.
For example, my xh has been gone for 13 years, but began his journey about 2-3 years prior to flying the coop. He's still out there trying to be a young adult, socializing w/men in their early 20's/30's. Dressing like a teenager and drinking like a fish and he just turned 60 today. He did marry the twinkle twat, but it's not been such an easy road the last 2 years because she was diagnosed w/ovarian cancer and has been undergoing chemo since October 2011. The first few years of their married life was bar hopping, partying and going to all sports games and activites. They both were party hounds. Now, he's the one that's going out and socialing w/the guys while she's home taking it easy.
Will he ever wake up? I seriously doubt it. He is an avoider and a professional "sweep it under the rug" type of guy. He's rather choose to ignore a person who's gotten on his sh@t list than to work things out w/the person. So, I don't see him ever facing his issues and dealing w/them. The genie in the bottle is his best friend these days. So sad.
The only thing you can do is take care of you and know that you are loved by family and friends and we are here to support you. Please, please do not drink the kool-aid he offers up when he does contact you...it is all projection and he's trying to justify why he left you. You are too good of a person to allow him to drag you down into the rabbit hole.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He is an avoider and a professional "sweep it under the rug" type of guy. He's rather choose to ignore a person who's gotten on his sh@t list than to work things out w/the person. So, I don't see him ever facing his issues and dealing w/them
he doesn't talk about feelings- i never knew- he just lied when asked. he is an avoider par excellance. i wonder why i even bother to try alot of the time- if the past few years are any indicator- he'll have his head in the sand til he dies.
oh well- you sure helped today. i hope he might return to normal- i don't know tho, honestly. he's nicer than ayear ago- i just don't get why really. today i am not in my usual hopeful optimistic place. today i feel very tired and kind of old-ish. tho, did my hair and look better than yesterday for sure.
for what? we don't know- just goin with it. i'm going to get cozy tonite and try and de-stress. just when i began to accomplish something today - ny mother called and i ended up over there. sooo frustrated i could cry because i didn't feel i could refuse. - i JUST HAVE GOT to get to a point of being able to say NO sometimes. jus tosmetimes, when i'm really freaky and need it. i agree to practically everything in the universe any one asks me- then when i do say no, people don't even believes it. i can only hide and avoid. it's bizarre - i have a bad act going here. BUT - I GUESS KNOWING THIS- i'll figure out something. why do we have to go around being awful and bashing people on the head to get them to listen? i think people are getting crazier and crazier
uh oh - hopefully not me tho???.... how likely is it that i'm the only sane guy? we wonder
Make a list of things you've not been able to do or complete and start working on them. Just remember, any changes that you make for yourself must remain permanent and are not done just to get him back.
I think any changes in me will be forever - unfortunately they may include things like not respecting this guy- not thinking he is essentially a "good" person, etc.
i know- sounds very childish doesn't it- thinking in terms of good and bad. but i mean- people who have good intentions and treat people like people. that's all.... respect for other living souls.
So- if i've become more patient in an argument and defend myself less or not at all (still hard to conquer this w/my mom- she sure knows the buttons to push). with H- it falls from his lips to the floor- so much clutter to be swept up later. i don't even feel anything- he acts so "silly" (really).
So- today still i do not have any desire to talk to him or hear his voice. REALLY DON'T KNOW what the heck i am "supposed to do" about it. he wrote an e-mail yesterday saying "do you want to yell at me today or tomorrow". Can he really think this is all a joke? his answer to everything in the universe - joke about it. it is my heart and my , well, pain i guess. it is soooo not funny to me- can't even think of one thing to say in response to that , that wouldn't be totally ratty and bizerk. he was with ow for a few days - i know it - i hate it - i have nothing in the world i want to "chit chat" with this man about.
don't want to fight, accuse, anyhthing. i got nothin. what in the world do i say when he calls today- or i can just not pick up the phone and see if tomorrow makes me chilled out.
he comes back up here 23rd- by the time he is gone three weeks - i'm out of the habit of him in my life- the stress of caring what is going on with him has just worn me out with it- maybe this is the "detach" you all talk about. to me it feels like I don't care anymore- i sure don't feel like answering phone calls for ten or fifteen minutes - like a dog being "walked" and then locked up again.
wtf to do with these feelings- where to stash them so they don't explode? do you just tell yourself to stay steady and not care. do you just repeat this is worth it? or just keep telling myself i can always walk away tomorrow?
just wonder. can you tell i jump out of bed and need a forum fix? oh man- i'm glad it's here- but i think i'm a pretty sad specimen most of the time. I need some contact in my life that badly- and this jerk wants to be all cute about his other life. is it still illegal to just bump people off?
i'm shoved into being like him (gag gag) he runs to his computer for a sex/flirtation fix - i run there for just some human companionship and support. i hate computers - they'll be the undoing of human interaction in the long run.
nero, I'm wondering if his parent(s) yelled at him when he did something wrong by the question he asked you, i.e., do you want to yell at me today or tomorrow. Joking about things is his way of deflecting the seriousness of the situation. It's not to make things light and airy.
What I found useful when I had so much emotion build up wiithin was to take a pillow and beat the crap out of it. If that didn't work, I took a nice long walk. In the warmer months, I would tackle the weeds in my flower beds. I had to get physical w/things in order to get rid of my anger, etc. Even going to the gym helped release that pent up emotion.
Why do you think you are a pretty sad speciman? From where I'm sitting, you are being normal in a situtation that was shoved at you. Eventually, you'll settle down and not be "running" to the forum as much. Right now, you need the support because this is all so new to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are normal in every way!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
nero, A walk will do you good. It will clear your head a bit and look around at the landscape and enjoy Mother Nature's way of painting the scenery this time of year.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly gives good advice. Go for that walk and enjoy every step.
Also, I saw that you posted elsewhere about taking the phone off the hook. Leave it on, but just don't answer. Let him wonder what you're up to for a change.
Maybe this is what true detachment is....maybe I need to hit bottom before I can be brought back up, that's fine, I will except that. But, now wouldn't you think it's a very crucial point of my life were the " who" helps me pick up, joins me in my new adventure, becomes the person I begin to admire.
I know I know it is ultimately me picking myself up, but as I do there will be new people, new places, new interest, new something that h won't be a part of if, when I begin this new adventure he is nowhere in my life. He will be a stranger....!
Success stories are those when the S connects with the lbs and together they begin a new journey. That's not going to happen here! So, when I have my small steps turn into bigger steps toward a new life I will be on my own and hope that I meet lots of new people who will become important.
If I have come just this little tiny bit of where I am now without h can you imagine how I will feel about him as I move forward. So, ride it out is only because I can run, can't make him leave, can't tie him up with duck tape to a tree for target practice.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
