okay- hi anybody - i can't think of any clever subject line- did i do it? make a new thread?
thank you everyone for your help- i'm still spinning out here in the wind - glad for everyones help & generosity of spirit to share their "stories" & insights w/ me.
hope everyone makes it thru the holidays in one piece & attains some peace of mind in the new year... fingers crossed
Let's look at something you did differently that worked:
Quote:
i'll throw in one kind of positive thing (i think) - he called to test a new cellphone he was jerking around with- then again. in 2nd call i asked a computer casual ? & in explaining he began to get himself all worked up and icky. and accurately- he was doing it to himself. the end is that a little while later - he called back- apologized for being icky- asked if the computer "thing" was okay and we had a pleasant call.
it was nice because i got off the cranky call feeling like "go straight to H_ll buddy" - i'm not doing "that" anymore in life- at least my gut says it. that's my biggest change of heart/personality. no explanations, apologies or hurt feelings when he's curt & crappy - just total turn-off & dismissal & dislike. that's something - rite?
YOU reacted differently than what H was expecting...that threw him off and sounds like he thought about his behavior....how can you build on that?
From what I can gather, I think that you being rather quiet throws him off his assumptions of how "you" are, makes him question...but I could be wrong.
Can you work towards letting go of the anger/annoyance in addition to not voicing it?
Try not to think about what he MAY or MAY NOT be doing/not doing and live YOUR life best you can, create changes in you that YOU want. You can't control him, so why give him so much mental energy for free?
As Snodderly says, sit quietly, the answers will come.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
i think you're definitely rite - that any changes in me toward more quiet are good things.
we have a "troubled" cycle going for communications. he grills me (&everyone - lawyer ) and then he doesn't like answer, length, content, words used, etc. on and on. i suppose as i say this out loud- it's him finding fault & WANTING me to be "awful" so he's justified .
i feel rude if i don't respond- i feel dread to respond if it will lead to "one of those" conversations. I know mwd says break the cycle with something different thrown into the mix.
i can't see what possible thing(s) to say tho or do? it sounds soooo EASY - i'm drawing such a blank. Maybe if i have something planned in advance i could do better.
it sounds soo dopey saying this - - but i cannot think what the heck is the appropriate kind of different thing to say to casually worm myself out of some beginning exchange that seems like he's in a icky mood and it's likely to be bad.
i've written about 3 times to you- left without posting tho - being too un-focused.
maybe if i could ALWAYS tell myself in advance to remain calm- EXPECT the worst - remember to not be spontaneous- i could be "ready". ?? ya think???
i always seem to feel surprised to be "attacked". (that does sound crazy of me) maybe it's his way of communicating- and my defensiveness??? my spontaneous (usual) sort of replies don't cut it. then i begin to get angry that I have to act like i'm someone else- talk like someone else- meet his obstructive & critical attitude with my best "mother theresa" attitude.
oh well- see what i mean? maybe you're rite and i need to work on the anger that pops out. i wouldn't have thought myself a particularly angery girl- i keep it under wraps til i'm blammed - then bingo- first urge is to fight back. i'll mull this over- might be something to really dig out and inspect & work on (hard)..
so do you feel like a psychiatrist - who just says "what do you think about that?" and then the patient heels himself? lets hope so- i always wanted to get my head shrunk but never could justify the expense. oh well-
Oh, a lawyer? I'm sorry...lol...my sister and her H are lawyers so I know the drill.
I use a lot of questions that keep them talking, like "tell me more about that", "How does that work for you", etc.
Also, when I am questioned on my silence, I say "I am just listening to you so that I understand better" sort of things.
And of course the standard issue: "I'm sorry you feel that way"...
The biggest/hardest thing for me was to learn how to not think of my responses while W was talking, to not think of ANYthing about me or my thoughts/feelings and focus 150% on her and what she is saying.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
i can try harder. half of me wants to connect - half of me doesn't even want to talk to him. it all feels so silly & pointless - but i guess it's all i've got at this minute.
i'd have never ever thought i'd end up doing this kind of a superficial "dance" with anyone in the universe - for any reason. life sure is unknowable - isn't is.
i did manage to listen thru & respond appropriately to a big explanation of how he spent a whole day hacking his new cellphone to "get root" - ta da....
need coffee - this is toooo depressing without caffeine
I thinks I should have had my coffee first too. But, I am so at my end that I can't contain my anger. I don't want to be with anyone who has baggage. This was my R, who the hell are ea's/ow's to come in and become a factor.
It is enough for me to leave H forever. It is way to much of an intrusion! And, really how much do I want to have him and his idiosyncrasies back that I don't find endearing anymore!
What am I fighting for, him, thinks about it Dawn, he wasn't ''everything'' you wanted and needed, you did have to make provisions for his character, how about you Nero- you kinda said the same thing about H?
Are we willing to offer the same loving exceptions for these geeks we endured for love, or did they kill that in us for them. Dead and living in Chicago!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I do believe that I can forgive my H. But, I'm not so sure I can ever trust him or believe in him again.
To me, forgiveness is a realization that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Trust is believing they won't make those same mistakes again, or at least will do their absolute best not to.
And while we are changing and growing in so many positive ways, I feel that the way I feel about my H has changed too, but not necessarily for the better.
Having your heart broken, over and over again by the same person changes you.
I still love and care about my H. I want him to get better. I want him to have a good R with our children.
I just don't know if I want him.
And I surely don't want to give him another chance to hurt me again.
We'll figure this all out eventually
Hang in there!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TVS - Thinking about forgiveness for me doesn't start until H is not doing anything else to forgive him for. It's like a revolving door right now, we talk about this, than he does it again, I get mad at that, and he does it again.
I want off this marry-go-round! Being without him completely has got to be easier than always being let down by your S.
Quote: If you take friendship off the table, then they will have to asses whether or not the affair will ever meet their needs. I and others took friendship off of the table because... it just wasn't going to really happen in all honesty. I was not going to have an emotional affair with my own S while they pursued an emotional affair with somebody else
That sums it up for me!
Your right in loving your H and wanting him better. I will not admit it, but maybe I still L my H also, I don't thinks so though, maybe it's safer for me to think that. I am not IL though that's for sure. I don't want to want him!
I am really not doing well right now! I can't even figure out why! But, I will keep posting so people like yo can remind me I'm not alone, and I am ok.
Nero - I hope your gaining something out of this too.
best, DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
