The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Well my last thread is over 100 posts so, On to the next one.

My previous threads.
Lost and confused

The green green grass of home

Basically BD 1 came from no where (So it seemed.) during late august 2012. H came home and was back maybe a month? when I got BD 2 H moved out on 16/09/12

He has seemed very confused and very hot and cold. I'm pretty much quietly standing aside watching the ticking time bomb from afar. I'm done with his roller-coaster.

I really do this it is MLC. D9 made me remember something tonight and it just really hit home.

D9 was talking to H on the phone tonight and i heard her ask him how old he is. Then she said I knew you would say 29, your not, your 31.

Well this is really bazaar and totally blew me away at the time. It was last year and someone asked H how old he was, He replied 29. Once they had left I said "You know you told them you are 29?" he replied and said he was. Anyway i could not convince him and ended up having to ask his Mum how old he was in front of him before he would believe me. Even doing the maths didn't work. Well the look of shock on his face just blew me away!
It happened again this year. He didn't believe he was turning 31, he thought he was turning 30! He will be 32 in just over a month.
Besides that, he has the childhood issues, He had family members pass away just over two years ago, Which is when i now think it started.
The increasing anger, Spending more time at the pub, Buying boats and such.
The first reasons I got when he left. I didn't wear dresses enough and didn't paint my fingernails. Really? LOL
Since he left I have got the I'm so confused blah, blah, blah
The sounding so happy for a week or two, then so depressed for the next and so on.
He is possibly loosing his licence soon and he job is also hanging on a thin straw.
He is not wanting to tell me much but wanting me to tell him all. Sounds very jealous. Either that or he wants me to find someone to make it easier for him to come out and say he is.

The children seem to be doing pretty good. Their behaviour at school has not been affected. (I had their teachers keeping an eye on them for me.)
I'm doing pretty great right now. It's strange but i finally feel like me again. I somehow lost me in between being a wife and mother. I no longer feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel so much better about myself and am loving the much calmer life style.

I still love my H but I don't like him much. I don't hold hardly any hope of R. MC and IC for him would be my terms of us trying to fix things. He has always had something against C. He was forced to go to school C and he never got over the "shame" of it. SO really there's not much chance for us but I'm okay with that.

I do still get a little sad at time but it's getting much better. His anger no longer affects me. I actually find myself smiling when he is angry because I don't feel anything accept sympathy. What a terrible life to be so angry so often, over the tiniest of things.

I still don't know what's happening over the Christmas break but I'm still intending to have a great Christmas! It will probably be such a bitter sweet Christmas and I'm sure there will be sad times but I'm hoping the good outweigh the bad.

It really is strange because even though, I do have that sadness, I'm really enjoying life right now.

[labug]

Good for you, SS!

And about Christmas break, make your plans. Live your life!

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug. I'm after advice, I'd like to ask the vets for advice too, If possible please? It's concerning my children.

So H was supposed to start paying me money two weeks ago. This week is week three. So he called me up and said he had transferred one week payment and he will pay the rest next week because he had other bills he had to pay this week. Then he said "Is that okay?"
(So basically he told me, then asked.)
I replied "Well, Not really but it will have to be." So H looses his s**t. Says he will transfer the rest now and he won't be able to have the children this weekend because he won't have the money now, Thanks to me. I tried to talk to him and he hung up.

I called him back and he hung up. I sent him a message which said "Don't worry about it, You didn't let me finish talking."

So he called back a few mins later and said he transferred it and now he won't be having the children this weekend. He was angry, so there was no point in trying to discuss it further.

He then sent another message "I'm not having the kids this week now I can't afford it now."

I replied " Okay but I don't know why you have to be like this."

He replied "You can tell them too."

I didn't reply and soon received one more message "Hope your happy now"

This was all about three hours ago. I think my tone of voice was a bit annoyed. That's something I'm trying to 180. My voice tones.

He only sent one more week worth BTW, so he still owes one week.
It probably would have been okay for him to send three payments next week because next week is my worse week financially.

I was going to say, had he let me finish, That it was actually okay this week because I will need it even more next week but I need it paid regularly. I need to know that that money will be there when I need it. He didn't let me get that far.

Now honestly, I'm pretty sure he had no bills last week but blew his money on the weekend, Even though I had asked him on Friday for it because I needed it for D9. He ignore me and didn't reply until Sunday afternoon.

Now I just don't know what to do. Do I send a message and ask him to call me, so we can discuss it?
Do I try to call him? Or just leave it be?

I just hate that he is taking it out on the children. They were so excited to be going and now they are going to be so upset.
I'm also thinking he wants me to tell them about the money, which I will not but I think he probably will.

I want to do whatever is best for my children but I don't know what that is right now?

Should I offer to transfer one payment back and he can pay three next week?

I don't want things to get messy for my children! I just really have no idea what to do right now.

[Crazyville]

SS, this is something that should be handled by the courts. I understand it's different there, but do you not have some sort of child support advocacy that can get behind you? The money should be paid, period. The children should not be put in the middle, period. He needs to figure out how to get his money issues under control, and you're not doing him any favors by letting him off the hook.

[Soul.Searching]

It's not the money that is bothering me. If this continues, I do have other avenues I can take. I'm giving him a chance to do this the better way. It's also better for me because the other way I would be getting it monthly. It's only just started so I expected an adjustment period. I just wanted to state early, that this will not be continuesly acceptable.
My issue is him placing the children in the middle of this. That's ultimately out of my control. All I can do is be there for them, the best way I can be.
I'm just looking for advice on how to handle the situation with minimal impact on my children.
I can't say for sure H is going through MLC but its a definite possibility and so far he really fits the descriptions. So I was hoping for some advice as to the best way to handle things.

I still haven't done anything yet but I will wait until tonight. I will call him and see if he is willing to talk. I'm thinking he probably will not answer anyway.
I don't know if I will send him a message or not, if he doesn't answer.

If I have not heard from him, when the children are getting ready for bed, then I might just tell them, That they might not be able to go this weekend.

I have no idea what reason to give them when they ask.
I'm hurt but only partially suprised. I kinda didn't think he would do this to the children but I'm getting used to him being so unpredictable.
It just hurts that they have to go through this.

[Soul.Searching]

Well, H end up sending me a message saying he will take the kids this weekend but that they wont be able to set up the tree because he does not have the money for decorations. I replied and said "okay"
He sent me a few more and I finally replied. His text were getting nastier and nastier. I sent him some back validating some things, telling him I was sorry he felt that way and I also sent some truths, too. At one stage he said he was still paying off our debt.

I replied and said "Yes it was our debt because we were together but what part of it was mine exactly? I thought it was from X, Y and Z. If you think some of it is mine, let me know how and I will fix it up ASAP."

He replied and said "Yeah it's all my fault as usual"

Anyway I sent a text telling him I was not angry but was not going to argue with him. If he wanted to talk to me about it without arguing, then call me, if not that is fine.

He called about half an hour later and we talked. I told him that I will not be treated that way. I told him that I was not angry at all today, that he lost his s**t and he owned that not me. The convo finished on "good" terms.

He skyped the kids after that and I seem him. I missed him so much when I seen him. I don't know why after he carried on like a five year old all day, having a tantrum because he didn't get his own way.
His anger does not bother me anymore and I didn't let him know, that it affected me when he brought the kids in to it.

I've been feeling a little sad today. Saturday is the first and we always put up our decorations and tree on the first. The kids will be with H setting up their tree.

I've felt like crying half the night tonight and then I realized, I haven't cried for days. I don't know how many but it's been a few.

Life goes on,...

[JuneReN]

Okay SS, I know the "money" is not the issue, but it is if he cannot be reliable. What happens when there comes a week you need it and he doesn't have it, or doesn't pay it because you have let it go before? Your kids are still in the middle then. He tried to pull the "Now I can't have the kids, you have all the money" but backtracked and now has money for the kids and a tree etc.

He is testing where you are setting your boundaries and what you are willing to accept. I think you have to decide what is okay and what is not and stick to it period. If it is pay each week, then it is pay each week. If it is more flexible, then maybe you need to define it better.

I am glad you are working on your tone of voice and try not to engage him when his behaviour escalates on phone or text. If he say "I can;t have children next week" again, (or something similar) just say, "I'm sorry to hear that" or something equally noncommittal.

I don't know if you have mediators or not, but that is always a good start as well.

I know what it is like, missing him more when you see him. ((()))

[Soul.Searching]

Well I feel 2x4 coming my way but I actually transferred one payment back. I did it once he called me and we talked properly. I made it clear that I was doing it for my children and not for him. I made it clear that it is a once off and that he needs to have it all caught up next week. I made it clear that I need it on time from now on or I will have to call up and have his wage garnished. I made it clear that his anger didn't affect me today, that he owns that. I made it clear that if he looses his s**t and goes off half cocked again, then he will suffer the concerquences. I made it clear that I will not be treated like that.

The only reason the money is not the issue, is because all I have to do is make one phone call and it will be garnished out of his wage. I think that may end up happening but I'm giving him a chance first. It's better for me this way too, If he can man up and be a father.

He called again a while ago and he said something that confirmed what he done on the weekend. Last weekend after telling him I needed that money for D9s rehearsal costume, he choose instead to take OW (I think just the newest s.e.x partner.) away for the weekend.) He knew I was struggling and I needed that money for his daughter. He choose to use it for his own selfish needs instead.

I have officially lost the last little bit of respect I had left for him. The person I loved is no more. A shell is all that is left.

After I hung up he kept messaging asking me who told me. I wouldn't tell him but I did tell him how he made me feel when he done that. I told him that I was not perfect but I am no where near the huge bit@h he made me out to be.
He is not happy because I won't tell him who told me. I don't care.
I told him I am telling everybody that I don't want to talk about him if he comes up in conversation. That I don't want to know. I told him that while I do still have sad days, that the good days outweigh the bad now.
I told him that he was right about one thing, that I do deserve better, a hell of a lot better.

Probably not what I should have said to him but I don't care. Truth hurt much? He owns that, not me.
I think him calling me on Sunday crying about the sick family member was a cover. The family member is sick but it's nothing serious. That was his guilt, He owns that and I am not going to be the one to make him feel better about his guilt.

He should feel guilt. I was the one trying to communicate to him for years before BD. He just upped and ran off, like a stray dog lost in a storm.
Sorry H, you can run but you can not hide, especially from yourself.

I'm not wasting my life pining over somebody who does not care. Not even enough about his own children. His own selfish needs come before anything else.
He is digging one hell of a hole.

He will find out in about a week, if he will have a licence and a job. I won't be there to comfort him or to help him if he looses them.

[LITB]

SS....

I have to disagree with a lot of what you are saying. His anger is affecting you, whether you want to admit it or not. Otherwise you wouldn't have transferred the funds back to him, which wasn't a good idea.

Please, do not allow him to manipulate you like that.

All of this back and forth suggest that money is an issue. Just because you pretend it is not one, does not make the problem go away. As others have said, please consider getting an agreement in place to avoid any ambiguity.

When it comes to money, it usually does not turn out to be a productive convo that gets you closer to your goal. I hated these exchanges with my W. HATED THEM. Limit them.

In your last post, you said, "I told him" several times. Show him and quit telling him. Your actions and your words must align and be consistent, otherwise he will not respect you either.

These phrases are cliche, but the hold a lot of truth.

-Actions speak louder than words.

-Talk is cheap.

Time to get busy putting your plan in place and acting on it.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks LITB, I guess he anger probably did affect me slightly yesterday but no where near the extent it used to. I didn't transfer the money back because of his anger though. He didn't ask me to and I did it once he calmed down and was talking properly. I did it because my Children were going to miss out on decorating the tree. They have been looking forward to it.

I told him that it would be the last time I helped him out and I meant it. If he does not fix it all up next week, I will be taking it further.

Him bringing the kids in to it, did affect me but I did not let him know that.
He is trying to control me in other areas and is frustrated because it is not working. Little things like asking me to look at PCs for him because he does not know what he is looking for. I tried to tell him some Min specs but he just said I was talking another language. No doubt he will be pissed today when I tell him I haven't looked at the links he sent me.

The money is a what he has to pay. As soon as he starts skipping payments or if he does not get it up to date next week, I will call and have them do it for me. He is supposed to be giving me slightly more than he has to. I'm not counting on it but would like to find out before I take other avenues.

Thanks again LITB. I know your right. Everybody tell me I'm too nice, especially to H. I guess that has to stop.