Wife's possible MLC....

[WorriedUK]

This is my first post, so please bear with me.

I found this site after reading lots of material on-line, and feel I would like to tell my story.

Firstly, to help my own sanity and secondly to get advice from people who have been in my position, which will (fingers crossed) help me through this heartache I am going through.
I am a Male (48), wife is 45. We have just celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We have been together for 25 years. Two teenage sons (15 & 17).

During the Summer my wife starting to make a list she wanted to do before she was 50. This list included Sky Diving, Running a Marathon, visiting countries she had not been to. I did not think too much of it, actually thought it was a good thing that she had things to aim for.

In the last couple of months she had started to become distant from me, lack of affection, lack of interest in doing anything together. Getting annoyed with me and the children.
3 weeks ago, I sat down with her, told her we needed a talk. Asked her if anything was wrong, because she does not seem happy. She then hit me the bombshell that she does not know if she can carry on our relationship as it is. I had stopped her from doing what she wanted in her younger years. I had changed her from the person she was.

My initial feeling was of shock, I honestly thought she was happy. We have no financial worries; have two gorgeous children, a lovely home.

Many tears were shed in the next two weeks (mainly by me), I could not believe she would want to jeopardise everything we had build up during our marriage. The more I tried to reason with her, the more adamant she was that she wanted out of our marriage because she did not love me anymore. I was devastated. Could not believe what was happening. Cried myself to sleep so many times.

Sadly, completely against all the advice given on-line, I pleaded with her, begged her to reconsider. I wrote her several letters, sent her flowers. All this did was put, in her own words, “extra pressure on her”. She says we have got into a rut, that I rely on her too much. We do not go out as individuals as much as we should. We are not living life to the full. I agreed that we need to make changes and I could see her point. She thinks I cannot change.

To her credit, she has admitted to feeling guilty for what she is doing, but she feels she cannot carry on the ways things are. I asked her not to make any rash decisions, to give me a couple of months to change things, and to see how she feels than. She reluctantly agreed, as long as I don’t keep questioning her and don’t put any pressure on her.

This was a week ago, and I have made a huge effort to not talk to her about our relationship. I am trying my hardest to live a normal life whilst also trying to go out and see friends so she can have time on her own. It is not easy. She does not tell me she loves me anymore, so I do not tell her anymore.

In the last week I have looked at my life, and it is plain to see that I do rely on my wife for so much. I am always looking for her approval; I can’t even remember the last time I purchased any clothing without her being with me. I would not dream of spending any money without asking her first.

Each day does seem to get easier. Though some days are better than others. We do seem to be getting on better, but at the end of the day, I firmly believe that she still wants to end our marriage, and when the agreed time comes you will go. Thinking of this day still brings me to tears.

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. Any advice would be greatly received and I promise I will try and answer honestly any questions you may have.

Thank you.

Heartbroken.....

[dbmod]

Worried -
Welcome to divorcebusting.com.

I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. It's obvious you have had a great relationship in your marriage and that you really love your wife.

I believe you will pull through this with a stronger marriage than ever.

You seem to be a quick study bu the changes you have made. Continue on this path.

Think to the days when you first fell in love--the things that pulled you together, and think of the dreams YOU had as well.

Make some strides toward YOUR dreams. My guess is you will both grow even if a little separately -- be willing to share it -- it will bring you closer in the long run.

You are NOT in the Last Resort Technique -- but some of the pieces of it and the mindset will help you.




So the focus right now is YOU.

What were YOUR hopes and dreams or hobbies that have been left behind?

[MHL]

Hey Worried,

On the surface it sounds like and smells like MLC but one never can really tell until some time has past. Whether your W's behavior is MLC or not does not change the journey you are about to undertake.

You are lucky that you have found this place, it has saved many lives.....mine included.

There are many different stories here on these boards, many different people and many different situations, however the one thing that they ALL have in common is TIME. It takes time for all this to work out one way or the other.

Whether your motivation is to save your marriage or not your steps will be the same and the time it takes to take those steps is much longer than you can imagine. Think in weeks not days, months not weeks and years not months.....trust me I am not exaggerating.

I know that may seem discouraging but there will come a day when you will realize that time is your friend however the FULL realization does not come until after the time has past. You will get lots of advice and opinions here, and if you stick around you will make some of the best friends ever. I did.

The best advice I can give you is to distance yourself as much as possible from the storm that is your wife. The less contact you have the better things will be for you!!! I can tell you with a VERY HIGH degree of accuracy that the only thing you can do is harm yourself and the situation by interacting with her. Think of her as if she lives in another country and you will not see her for 2 or 3 months, maybe longer.

Try to wrap your head around that......it will help you in the long run and in the short run too. Virtually no contact if possible and when you do keep it short, cordial and polite and never ask her anything.....ever.

The thing to remember is that this whole thing, the book, this website, your situation is more about YOU than it is about your marriage. You may or may not save your marriage........but you absolutely will save yourself!!! Save yourself first......then you may save your marriage. It will take a very long time for that to sink in, when it does you will start to notice your progress.

Hope this helps.

[WorriedUK]

Thank you both for your swift replies.

Reading through the forum on this site has, no doubt, helped me tremendously. I was in a very low place, somewhere I never want to be again.

I am a lot clearer in the direction I need to head. I feel a lot better in myself, and although I do have times when I feel extremely sad, I can deal with it.

I do appreciate things are not going to change overnight, and I also know that however long this may take, that I will be a better, stronger person at the end of it. Regardless of whether my Marriage survives or not.

Even in this short period of time, I am finding out that I have friends around me who I can rely on, who will be there for me whatever the outcome.

Thanks again...

[WorriedUK]

Currently trying to GAL. I am really struggling to get motivated, even though it is something I know I must do. When I am actually out doing things I am ok, but leaving the house knowing my time spent with W might not be as long as I would like it to be, is very hard.

I am hoping it gets easier.

Also, I can’t help going over what I think my W is thinking/doing while I out. I know I mustn’t fret over this, but again it is hard.

I am finding out I am a very emotional, needy person, who hates having to distance himself from W.

[WorriedUK]

Just had a very bad evening. W is now telling anybody who will listen about "our situation". I know this shouldn't matter to me, but it still hurts when I think she is preparing everybody for her decision to leave me. It feels like a kick in the guts!!

Don't mean to let it get to me, but I am only human.

Must stay strong and continue working on my own Self Esteem and GAL This is about me not her.

[WorriedUK]

Hopefully the Moderators will allow my posts to appear on the board without them being monitored first. This is a pain because they are so far down the message board I do not get any relies.

[AnotherStander]

Hello, welcome to the forums! Your sitch is eerily familiar to me!

I am a Male (48), wife is 45. We have just celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We have been together for 25 years. Two teenage sons (15 & 17).

I'm 51, W is 48, we have 3 kids (S9, D16, D18) have been married 20 years and together 25. How's that for similar?

In the last couple of months she had started to become distant from me, lack of affection, lack of interest in doing anything together. Getting annoyed with me and the children.

Yup, this part too.

3 weeks ago, I sat down with her, told her we needed a talk. Asked her if anything was wrong, because she does not seem happy. She then hit me the bombshell that she does not know if she can carry on our relationship as it is.

Wow, it played out almost identical to this for me too. Except it was 6 months ago.

My initial feeling was of shock, I honestly thought she was happy. We have no financial worries; have two gorgeous children, a lovely home.

Ditto. The thing is, she is NOT happy. And right now, she blames YOU for this.

Many tears were shed in the next two weeks (mainly by me), I could not believe she would want to jeopardise everything we had build up during our marriage. The more I tried to reason with her, the more adamant she was that she wanted out of our marriage because she did not love me anymore.

Oh how familiar this all is! We went to MC, W seemed genuinely interested in giving it a shot, but whenever pressed about where she saw our M in the future she just kept saying "I don't want to try." After a half dozen sessions she didn't want to go back anymore and decided S was the answer.

So what do you do? Read DR several times. Keep the list of DB 180 tips (see Sandi's sticky at the top of this forum) handy and read them several times a day until you have the gist of them memorized. Live those tips!! Give your W loads of time and space. DO NOT move out. If she insists on S, tell her you support her decision, but SHE is the one that had to move if she feels that's best for her.

Since I'm farther down the road than you I will tell you this- your W is very confused right now. She may not tell you that, but inside she's confused and hurting. She knows she's not happy and that's driving her to leave. My W is just now discovering that I am not the source of her unhappiness. After nearly 3 months on her own she's just as confused now as ever and starting to realize she has to look inward to discover why she's not happy rather than outward.

Now I am not saying just to sit back and wait. Do take stock of what you did in the marriage to contribute to her feelings of unhappiness. Do 180's on those things. Do them consistently and over a long period of time. You're in a marathon, not a sprint. Expect it to take months before you see progress, and much longer for it to resolve one way or the other.

Sadly, completely against all the advice given on-line, I pleaded with her, begged her to reconsider. I wrote her several letters, sent her flowers. All this did was put, in her own words, “extra pressure on her”.

Don't worry about it, nearly all of us did this before discovering DB'ing.

She thinks I cannot change.

But you can. That's why it takes months, she's seen a certain behavior for years and when you change it she will think it's just tricks to get her back. It'll take months for her to start believing it's real.

Currently trying to GAL. I am really struggling to get motivated, even though it is something I know I must do.

You really have to force yourself at first, but the more you get out the easier it gets and the more you start enjoying it and want to do it.

Hopefully the Moderators will allow my posts to appear on the board without them being monitored first. This is a pain because they are so far down the message board I do not get any relies.

Just keep posting, they'll take you off moderation soon enough.

[WorriedUK]

Hi AS

Thank you for your advice. It does give me hope hearing from people in the same situation, that all is not lost. I know I have to concentrate on sorting me out. I know I had come to rely on W too much. I am making an effort to change, initially because it is what she says she wanted, but now it is for me.

I am making the effort to get out more, to socialise without W, and I have to say I do enjoy myself, and it does take my mind off things. I intend to join a Gym and to exercise much more.

I do know this could/will be a long journey and may well be a bumpy ride. But I intend to give it my best shot. And although I am having a bad day today, I refuse to get downbeat over it.

Thanks again...

[WorriedUK]

It has now been three weeks since we had any R talks. We are still living in the same house, though more as friends rather than Husband & Wife. We went out shopping together at the weekend, which was nice, although this was as friends. I know (for the sake of the children), she will leave things until after Christmas, but I am fully expecting her to talk about S in the New Year.

It is very hard not having a physical and emotional connection at the moment, but I am prepared to put up with it like this, whilst I try and get myself into a better mental place. I am making every effort to GAL, though it isn’t easy when you have devoted your life to your family and W.

I do believe I am ready for the day when she approaches me for a S.

This is all new to me and I am trying to take it day by day. Some days are better than others. How I long to tell her I still Love her!!

Keep Calm and Carry on!