Back on this site help!!

[MKB23]

My take is you let him control conversations and the power in your relationship. Something I have really struggled with is my H not stepping up for the kids. However, I finally just decided oh well. His loss. I have to do this, I'm gonna do this, and if he doesn't make the effort then that's okay.

I basically told him what I expected and then I left it alone. If he is telling you about his OW and their R you should say if it is not the kids then I do not want to discuss it. Say it calmly, and civilly. Tell him what you will do if he insists. Then follow through. It's really like parenting a child. Lord knows if you have 6 you can do this!!

If my H was rude or nasty I just stopped contact. That could be hanging up or walking away. Now, at least I don't have the passive aggressive antagonistic behavior to deal with. He actually does follow the guidelines that I have set. They are not overly harsh or restrictive. Just respect me. Since he hadn't for so very long it was very hard at first.

As far as money you filed for support I believe? Also, while unfortunate, the reality is you may have to get a job. If you have older kids can they help with the younger ones? This is about survival and you have to do what you have to do.

[LisaLost]

You are spot on. I have let him control everything so he doesn't get mad. I have filed for support alimony custody all that temp order until divorce. He makes a very decent living. I am looking for work and have dug myself out of this hole financially he left me in. With him controlling the bills and payments. When he left everything was behind and no one would work with me bc he had broken too many previous payment arrangements. We went without hot water most of the summer while I chipped away at the bill then got in my name only. Our power was out for almost 2 weeks due to him breaking arrangements and then they wanted all the budget billing up front. I finally got that handled. I have everything in my name only now. He took my car when he left so I went and bought this old beat up Honda civic for 300. So I have proven I can do it. It just [censored] so much. I know we all here know that it's not fair feeling.


He hasn't contacted me about seeing any of our other children. He has his favorite with him now. So should I just go as dark as possible ? He freaks when I ignore him. I know that's a control thing not a love thing.


I just want this to blow up in his face with this girl so I can tell him where to go. Don't we all we all feel that way sometimes? It can't be as good as he makes it out to be can it? Maybe it can ? But it's actually only been 3 months not the 4 I thought and he has lived with her about a month.


Please somebody 2x4 me!!!!!


lisa

[LisaLost]

Don't know why it says censored. I don't think I used a bad word lol

[LisaLost]

So I just re-read Sandi's 37 rules. I have been here countless times before but have a question with the believe none of what you hear idea. Does that mean when he gave me the speech yesterday I think it was about I used to love u but don't anymore. Don't see a future with you I found my soulmate I love u bc your my kids mom. But I have no romantic feeling for you anymore. Doesn't that have to be true? Please don't think I am an idiot. Yes I need 2x4s right now. I have done some work around the house like making our bedroom my own these last few days and working on GAL.

Do I even love him or am I codependent?

[keep_going]

Lisa,

I have never posted to you before, but let me tell you - I have actually read ALL your threads. Yes, all the old ones and this new one. I did so a year or so ago when I was looking for success stories around the board. First let me tell you that I am very, very sorry that you are in so much pain. I totally get how hard it is, specially with young kids.

Now I have to give you the 2 x 4. A harsh and long one. Please know before-hand that I mean no disrespect and that I only want to try to help you. I might be completely off-based here, but at least I know your sitch well, because I have spent hours and hours reading all your posts and I forewarn you that this is probably the harshest 2 x 4 you will ever get. PLEASE know I just want to help you!

So here it is.

I think that you are stuck. How do I know? Well, first because I am too and I know how hard it is to get out of that mode where you are just focused on one thing - YOUR H. I remember your sitch so well, because reading your posts was so hard for me. It made such an impression because I could sense your hurt, but also because it made me want to shake you when you were in the middle of chaos, just like you are now.

If you went back and re-read your old threads, you would think they are carbon-copies of this one. Your thoughts and emotions are identical. Your H's behavior and actions are as well. Your reactions to him have not changed. And what struck me the most after I read all your threads last year was the notion that you took your H back - repeatedly. I considered yours the most incredible "success" story based on how much you had to endure and how mean your H was. So here you find yourself again in the same sitch, so the success story didn't work out.

I have to be honest - I would get very, very upset and angry when I was reading about your sitch because I don't think ANY human being deserves to be treated the way your H has treated you. I don't care what you had done wrong in the M, nothing justifies the abuse and torture he has submitted you to. He clearly has a lot of issues - and in my opinion, some very, very serious mental issues.

Why do I say that?

Your H has been probably one of the meanest, most abusive spouses I have seen here. By your own admission in very old posts, he has said the most hurtful things I can recall telling someone, much less the mother of his kids. Do I also recall that there has also been some physical abuse? I don't mean to bring painful memories back, but I think it's important that you see your R with him as a WHOLE, not just what he is doing now.

You had also mentioned years ago that he has a sexual addiction and he at some point was trying to deal with it. Yet I also remember him later recanting on having any issues or being responsible for any wrong-doing? Didn't he also have some issues with alcohol or drugs? I might not be remembering that correctly, but I thought that there was some heavy pot-smoking involved in one of his R with one of the OWs. Again - I could be confusing you with someone else and I apologize if I am.

And he cheated on you, not only once or twice, but repeatedly. And not just go away with OW for a few hours here and there and keeping his affairs under the radar - he has left you and his own children REPEATEDLY and moved in with other women and exposed all your children to the most unhealthy patterns of behavior with all these OW.

I believe that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't have the capacity to love ANY woman right now and his behavior has proved it for years. If I recall correctly, you at some point talked about him hating women? I do believe he does. I hope you can see that he not only doesn't respect you, but also none of the OW involved in this. Not that they are helpless victims, but your H clearly just uses women to feel good and discards them when he doesn't. His behavior has shown that for years.

I also want to address his behavior as a father. He has abandoned his children repeatedly - physically and emotionally. He fights with you and at least in the past he even treated you horribly in front of the kids. He has ignored his financial obligations to his kids many times, controlling you and being vengeful at you by withholding money for basic needs.

Yet, you are just thinking about your H and what he feels and what he does and what he says and if he means what he says to OW #20,849... And you always take him back.

So to answer your question:

Do I even love him or am I codependent?

I am NOT a professional (and I will please beg you to go get some professional help as the #1 thing you do), but I personally don't think you love him either. I think you have a very co-dependent R with him and I don't know why. Only you and a professional can discover the reasons and find the way to break from it. But I strongly recommend that you find a CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) group ASAP. I know it has helped me more than I can say. Until you find one, google co-dependency today and start learning about it now.

I also think you are a victim of abuse and that your self-esteem has been completely destroyed by this man and it saddens me because I can see how valuable you are as a human being and really want you to see that and act in a loving way with yourself. You need professional help to find out what is it that you have been getting out of this very unhealthy relationship for years. That is where therapy would come in.

Sorry to be blunt, but how many more chances do you need to give him until he can prove to you that he has changed? How many more OW will there be? How many more times will he leave you and the kids again?
What further proof do you need that he is not able to stop his behavior by himself? He needs help and until he gets it, he won't change. And NONE of this is within your control so you need to stop focusing on him.

Because the real issue here is not that your H treats you like crap (because he does so with everyone in his life), but why you take it and how are you going to stop it. His behavior to you and your kids will only stop when you make it stop. Period. It's all about having boundaries and CODA can also help you with that.

You are an amazing woman. Strong, loving, loyal, forgiving, caring... It always came through to me in all your posts. You just need to realize that you deserve A LOT better than this. One thing I have learned from my own journey is how low my self-esteem is and how it has led me to a very dark, unhappy place and to accept things that are destructive. And I believe you have the same problem, so I understand that it's not that easy to see that in ourselves.

I want you to be happy and move on and get a better life for yourself, but if that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to take a strong stance and really change your life, then let me say that you have the 6 most important reasons to stop this insanity...

The day you became a mom, your life changed. You are not just responsible for yourself anymore, your goal in life is now different. You have 6 kids that depend on you like nothing else. And they deserve a lot more focus from you than your H does. You don't really talk much about them or how they are struggling with all of this...I know you adore them and you are trying your best to give them all the love they need, but you are dealing with bigger issues here.

Look at how emotionally devastating this relationship has been for you AS AN ADULT. Now imagine what it has done to them - they are just kids! Are they in therapy? How are they coping? What specific actions have you taken to help them deal with this?

I don't know anything about the laws in your state, but I wonder what your L and a judge would say given the history and extend of your situation and struggle with your H and how irresponsible, immature and abusive he has been with you all. Perhaps you will need to force your hand legally with your H to get him to behave and be responsible to his kids. Get ALL the help you can.

Your kids need some stability that they have not had for years. For your younger ones, this way of life is probably all they have ever seen. You need to be the adult one and protect them and SHIELD them from this madness. Your H's behavior is erratic, impulsive and he doesn't care how his craziness affects the kids. But you are aware (or should be by now) and it's all on you to take them away from this environment. It might not be fair, but this is what you have in front of you and what you need to deal with.

YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR H. He is toxic, destructive and abusive to all of you and if this continues, who knows how you and your kids will end up - physically and emotionally. IF your H ever changes (and that would require extensive professional help and YEARS of consistent, healthy behavior), then you can start worrying about what he says or does. But you are years away from that. You have bigger things to worry about.

Lisa - you are an incredibly strong woman. You have proved it by surviving this craziness for so long. Yet it is now time to use your strength not to survive, but to end this and give yourself and your kids the life you all deserve. My bet is that once you get yourself and your kids in a healthy emotional place you will probably not want him back. But that is not important now.

Please, Lisa - break free from this pattern of abuse and model healthy behaviors for your kids. You don't want your boys to grow up to become just like their dad and you don't want your daughter(s) to grow up thinking this is how a man should treat a woman.

You owe it to yourself and to them.

Lisa, I am so sorry I have to be so blunt, specially when I had never posted to you before. I just feel like you need a real shake-up and wake up call and I don't know that many of the people that are reading your thread now know the whole story and how far back this insanity goes... I feel like this is a mini-intervention and if I am being harsh and direct it is because I can't just sit here reading your thread day in and day out and just come and post that it will be ok, that you are doing great and that you should hang in there and be patient and ignore what your H says and does.

That is in my opinion the problem - you have been ignoring your H's behavior for years and now you need to end this.

Please accept my apologies if this is hurtful and I am not intending to cross any lines here. Please know that I am just trying to help you and your kids. I mean nothing but the best. I hope you don't think I am judging you - I am no one to do that. I just want for you to see your situation with different eyes so badly. I want you to see it with self-forgiveness, compassion and love for yourself and your kids.

Please come back to vent often, don't let me scare you. You need it so much. You will find support here, you know that because you have been here before, but I also would love for you to come back and share what actions you are taking to change your life and that of your kids. Stop being LisaLost - it's all in your power and many of us here are cheering you on!!!!!

((((((LISA))))))

[LisaLost]

Keep Going,

I sooo much appreciate your post to me. You basically put into words the thoughts I have but can't seem to say them. It's hard for me to admit that he doesn't love me. It's hard to admit that this has been an abusive M and that I allowed it. I will be starting counseling the first week in December and I have been reading self help books. I know all this stuff I just can't seem to practice it.

I went back and read all the old threads of mine I could find also and I noticed the patterns. He has said the same nasty words to me and the same glorious words about the ow. It opened my eyes. I tell myself he has issues that no woman can heal but then it seems this new ow is his magic ticket to becoming the man he is suppose to be.

I need to stop torturing myself with this. How can someone who has been this way with every woman in his life suddenly change after 3 months? But he apparently has. Smack I needed a 2x4 for that last thought


I am going to retread your post over and over till I get it.

Thanks for the thoughtfulness you put into it

Lisa

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi LL,
My heart goes out to you. So much heartach for so many people for seemingly no reason.

Worse than that LL are all the countless hours you have spent in pain, crying, in sadness, and alone...

Think of all the things that could have been done. All the people you could have met. All the fun you could have had... And not just you . All of us on this board that have spent those countless hours in sadness... I'm sure it adds of to many lifetimes. What a shame that is all that wasted time.

I am known as a "hard line approach" person on this board. My Ex had an EA, and at the end of the day, I could not get past that betrayl. I don't say that claiming to be right. I say it because it was what worked for me. To save myself I needed a clean slate. And a person that I knew would be devoted to me and me alone.

It's time for you to be strong LL. Time to demand respect. Time to realize your self worth. Time to show your kids a strong person worthy of true love.

I have never told a person to leave their spouse. Not on this board and not in my real life. And I'm even hard pressed to say it to you now...

BUT...

This board and these books have less to do with saving marriages and more to do with saving ourselves.

SO...

My thought is you can't save yourself in the relationship you're in. You may never be yourself. May never be secure. May never be happy. May never be the woman you were intended to be. Is he worth that? Is anyone worth that?

I may be wrong... And if i am, than follow your heart. YOUR TRUE INNER VOICE. And do what's best.

And save yourself...

Peace and love to you LL.

[LisaLost]

Hope everyone has a nice evening. I am going to settle in a surf the web on codependency and ways to overcome it. I am also going to look for some good websites on low self esteem and fixing that issue. My Internet will be on Friday so I won't be posting from this iPhone which I am grateful for it just makes it hard to read others threads and offer support.

Love
Lisa

[MnSPD]

Lisa,

You just received some fantastic insight and advice from the last 2 posters. What you need to do is identify your goal(s). Without a focus, you will continue to drift. Take your time, do the reasearch, look for patterns (yours), keep the issues to you only don't concern yourself with others as you have no control over them.

Be your own solution detective, prioritize things you can identify and then execute a plan to address them. Don't over whelm yourself by working on too many things at the same time. Actually, post some of them here and let the DBrs give some input. There are very insightful people here.

Get to work on identifying the issues, then the solutions and the rest will follow.
Slow and steady wins this leg of the marathon.

Steve

[LisaLost]

Steve, I need help with goals. I don't know where to begin with them.