It kind of sounds like he's looking to be close with you by affirming your way of doing things and by expressing his disapproval to you of his mom's way of doing things, knowing that you agree even if you're not saying anything, probably guessing that you approve of his values because they match your own. It's a fine line to walk between being someone he can tell anything and being someone to whom some things are inappropriate to spend much time talking about.
I guess if I'm telling you anything I'd do different it would be to do less data collection and if it seems like a favored topic maybe try to appear less interested in mom's personal life. Anyway, I sometimes think as I'm writing to other people, what is it I should be learning from this...and I think for me I could be doing a better job myself of being less judgmental of my H, who is not up for father of the year award in my book. I am 100% there, 100% committed, I'm trying so hard to really be there for my kids, and really fretting for their wellbeing, in stark difference to my H. My feeling self-righteous is not good for me or my kids; maybe I need to relax my judgment on my H. So I might be talking to me more than you here. Something to go ponder.
The other thing, curious but not trying to provide advice I guess. I do not tell my kids their dad loves them. I did only on the night we told them he was moving out, because I felt like it was so important for them to hear that we both loved them, but that was the very last time I spoke for him on that topic. I don't know how he feels. The kids know how he acts regardless of what I might tell them about how he feels. What they believe and feel from him is between him and them. So I have not said it again. I don't know if that's a mistake. I don't want to look like a liar, and I don't want to be in charge of explaining and speaking for H anymore. FWIW. I thought it was interesting the way you worded "I believe that she does" I don't know if I was reading into it based on my sitch, that's not a wording that sounds like you're that sure. That's a wording that would seem to go with "in spite of all evidence to the contrary..."
I would say son if something's really bothering you I'll try to help guide you, but sometimes we're bordering on gossiping about what mom's up to, and that's not my business to know about now except where you need help dealing.
I'm just throwing that out as a practice. My kids don't talk to me nearly as much as your son does with you, and they're definitely not in any way trying to bond with my by talking down about their dad's activities. He comes up so rarely in conversation in any way, today my son mentioned shopping with dad for a present for dad's friend whose father died and I had to really work for a minute to figure out who he was even talking about. I caught up, but it struck me how weird it is when I get an occasional report that there's life and activity happening in H-land. So different from your sitch.
Just that, what I've read is the very best for the kid is to think mom is ok and dad is ok.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
jb, it has always been interesting how similar our sitches are. How similar our stbxs are as are the time frames.
My D10 does tell me things from time to time, like not being alone or that my stbx is actively dating or sometimes, when she is doing things (like apparently planning to attend the outdoor music festival again with her enabler friends, this year).
I just wanted to mention that it is OK to listen to your S12, as I do listen to my D10 when she mentions that stuff, although I do try to acknowledge and then direct the conversation to something else, as she does when she notices she's on stbx as a subject, too long.
I guess if I'm telling you anything I'd do different it would be to do less data collection and if it seems like a favored topic maybe try to appear less interested in mom's personal life. Anyway, I sometimes think as I'm writing to other people, what is it I should be learning from this...and I think for me I could be doing a better job myself of being less judgmental of my H, who is not up for father of the year award in my book. I am 100% there, 100% committed, I'm trying so hard to really be there for my kids, and really fretting for their wellbeing, in stark difference to my H. My feeling self-righteous is not good for me or my kids; maybe I need to relax my judgment on my H. So I might be talking to me more than you here. Something to go ponder.
What Mom's up to probably only amounts to about 3% of what my S and I talk about. It's not just an easy topic to start a dialogue on - we have lots of other things we discuss. We've built our own life outside of what his Mom may or may not be doing. We've always bonded well and we're a lot closer since my W left the home.
That 3% we discuss is probably the most noteworthy things pertinent to my situation here, though. So it probably sounds like we're talking about my W a lot more than we are.
The onus is on me to just be the best Dad I can be for my S. I do have to fill in some of the holes where my W just simply isn't stepping up to the plate. I am handling everything with the school, doctor and dentist visits, he goes to church with me every Sunday, we make meal plans, and so on. He still needs Mom, though, and I know there are roles I cannot fill in that regard.
jb, it has always been interesting how similar our sitches are. How similar our stbxs are as are the time frames.
My D10 does tell me things from time to time, like not being alone or that my stbx is actively dating or sometimes, when she is doing things (like apparently planning to attend the outdoor music festival again with her enabler friends, this year).
I just wanted to mention that it is OK to listen to your S12, as I do listen to my D10 when she mentions that stuff, although I do try to acknowledge and then direct the conversation to something else, as she does when she notices she's on stbx as a subject, too long.
Keep moving yourself forward.
KD, thanks for stopping in. It's always good to hear from you. Yes, I would say my conversations with my S are similar to what you described with your D.
jb - I worry when you don't post for 3-4 weeks. I hope you are doing ok and just are busy.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
A lot of food for thought jb...glad S has you, since W does not seem to be a capable parent right now. Not that she loves S less than you, but I find that people go a few ways with kids; they put kids first and that helps to heal them as well. They can't think of kids at all because they can't fix themselves at this point and most unfortunately, the last, they don't care all that much about the kids in the first place
jb - I worry when you don't post for 3-4 weeks. I hope you are doing ok and just are busy.
No worries NTX. I was just waiting for you to give me a prod. LOL I'm fine, very busy.
Took my fifth mission trip and my first with my S since the bomb was dropped. And just left for vacation with my S awhile ago.
I'm overdue for a more detailed update, but in an executive summary my W and I are moving forward with the D process. It's looking like we're going to be able to reach an agreement on things between the two of us, without the Ls. At this point, the door is still cracked open for my W, but frankly I'm ready to explore other relationships. I won't do that, however, until I'm legally available.
Like I said though, there's a lot more to the story. I'm feeling pretty peaceful about things at this point.
A lot of food for thought jb...glad S has you, since W does not seem to be a capable parent right now. Not that she loves S less than you, but I find that people go a few ways with kids; they put kids first and that helps to heal them as well. They can't think of kids at all because they can't fix themselves at this point and most unfortunately, the last, they don't care all that much about the kids in the first place
You sound balanced...
KP thanks for stopping by!
That all sounds like a pretty good assessment.
I'd say for the most part I'm pretty balanced. I think I may gotten myself too much of a life at times, but it sure beats the alternative!
