Hi, I been lurking these forums and reading about other people's issues :(, we all sound so alike.
Her is my story H-36 (ME) W-34 M-15 years 3kids S8 S5 S1
On 9/17/2012 Wife gave me the I love you but not in love you with speech. She did this after i approached her about making our marriage better. I noticed over the last year things have been slowly getting worst (she would nag about everything i do). When I tried to talked to her, it open up a can of worms. She did a 180 on me. Gave me the speech of a typical WAW. She also told me she reached out to her old boyfriend (the day before i talked to her). This started an EA. Of course like any emotional H, i did all the wrong things (beg, plead, yell, scream, threaten, expose the Affair). Since then she stopped contacting the OM but i know she still wants to be with him (she just won't admit it but she won't deny it).
Its been about 3 week since she stopped contacting the OM but our relationship isn't getting any better. I have already started on the GAL and detach phase. Bonding with my children and trying to appease her love language (acts of service). I know i neglected her feelings over the years but never realized just how bad it was. But she even tells me its all the little things i ignored (things i know i can change). But you know "too little to late" speech.
No physical contact with her, we don't sleep in the same bed, but we are still in the same house. Her wedding ring is off but she wears another ring on her middle finger (its an old ring she bought during our marriage). I do not talk about our R unless she talks about it.
Lastly our in-laws have lived with us for the past 8 years, helping to take care of the children. Part of her compliant about me is the lack of respect i have with her in-laws. Don't get me wrong, i like them but I never felt like i disrespected them like she tells me. I know having in-laws living with us, complicates things alot. Her Parents are totallly against her on this decision because they believe I am good and we can work out the issues.
Fast foward to our Current state. -W wants to seperate but she also mentioned Divorce. I told her, I am not abandoning the house. Since then she hasn't mentioned it but i know she wants her space/time. -W says she is pissed at me for exposing the Affair, not sure if she can forgive me -W says at one point she did want to work on saving the marriage but i pushed her into this direction because how i exposed the Affair (not sure if this is true) -W hates me for turning her parents against her. I didn't do it, they live with me, they will ask questions about our R. But she can't see her own parents being pissed about this because its not the best decision for the kids. -W has repeated in the past about being with the OM, calling him her "soulmate"
Most recent discussion about R W wanted to talk about custody of the kids. I proposed since she wants to leave, i should stay in the house and kids will stay with me M-F (my job is flexible), Friday night she can pick them up and drop them off Sunday night. I am opposed to every other week or 2 days here, then 3 days there, then 2 days here. I want to give our kids the most stable environment, while it seems like she wants to be fair on how often she gets to see them. We both work, but like i said, i am most flexible in my job(i can work from home to watch our youngest). I also told her, she could take them M-F and I take them on weekends.
I told her, i needed time to think about this (weeks) because right now, the pain of not seeing the kids 24/7 is killing me. I already @ peace that she may never come back to me as a W, but the kids...i love my kids so much and my W(but i know i can make someone else happy one day, just wished it was her)
Question How do i handle the discussion of kids custody? Do i stick to my guns about the schedule since i feel its best for the kids?
Do I seperate my funds? Or wait till she makes the 1st move on seperating funds? I make the majority of the income.
Did exposing the Affair really force me to lose my last chance?
I am in it for the long hall, i do not want to abandon the marriage and I am ready for the emotional roller coaster ride. I already cried my eyes out for the last month (secretly). I read alot of books, read alot of forums.
Lastly, this really [censored]. Never in a million years, i thought this would happen to me. I imagined growing old with W...
I am preparing myself to be alot more involved with my kids. Preparing myself when i need to watch the 3 boys myself.
When i take them out, should i ask her if she would like to join us? Or just simply tell her, i am taking them out and not ask if she wants to join us?
Really? lostsoul13, that's the name you picked? Holy crap that is depressing...was bleedingbrokenheart taken? Just kidding man, youu're going to need to find humor when and where you can for this...FYI, I'm calling you LS13.
Fast foward to our Current state. -W wants to seperate but she also mentioned Divorce. I told her, I am not abandoning the house. Since then she hasn't mentioned it but i know she wants her space/time. -W says she is pissed at me for exposing the Affair, not sure if she can forgive me -W says at one point she did want to work on saving the marriage but i pushed her into this direction because how i exposed the Affair (not sure if this is true) -W hates me for turning her parents against her. I didn't do it, they live with me, they will ask questions about our R. But she can't see her own parents being pissed about this because its not the best decision for the kids. -W has repeated in the past about being with the OM, calling him her "soulmate"
Ok here is the good news, all of us heard this crap before.
Point 1 ) Not leaving the house. Good for you. Do not waver on this one.
Point 2 ) Upset about exposing the affair and not sure if she can...yadda yadda yadda... Yeah my wife said the same thing. Like somehow telling people about it is worse than actually boinking someone outside the marriage. People will think I'm an adulterer...uhhh...yeah...you are. 6-7 years later depending on how you look at it (the WAS aren't the only ones who rewrite history...if you're smart you'll figure that out too) My wife and I are stronger and better than ever.
PS - I do not advocate exposong the affair. But since it happened it's like trying to put a cat back into a bag after you hit the bag and cat with a stick a dozen times...good luck.
Point 3 ) I would have wanted to work on the marriage but since you exposed....phhhhhhhpth....guilt talk. See above, she is trying to shift the blame to you.
AND look you are not clean inthe failure of the marriage, if you think the failure is all on her...you won't do well here. You better chop chop figure out your part in it. But do not LET her shift all of this on to you exposing the affair. That is BS, is is just a convienient excuse for her now.
Point 4 ) Her parents. Did you turn them on her? Yeah...you did. You exposed the affair. You interuppted her plans, which might have invloved a much slower introduction of this douche bag...and them coming to like him over time. But the reality is also that if she had been the one to tell them right now thye wouldn't have been on her side either. You screwed up her plan...that is all.
Now comes the hard part. STOP involving them with any of this between you and her.
Seriously man, do not involve them, this will bite you in the asss in the long run.
Point 4 ) Soul mate...yeah... Did she ever call you her soul mate? Betting she did once...a few times? Even if she didn't?
F Soul Mates... Holywood needs to be kicked in the junk for making this craptastic term up.
You can do this man, you have alot of reasons not to give up, and believe you me, giving up is EASIER. But that's not what you said when you were married, you didn't say:
I will love honor and (whatever) as long as it is easy.
This is now the hard part of the vow you took, to her in front of your friends and family and God.
Got it?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Exposing the affair was due to another forum advice i received. I come to the conclusion, it was too aggressive.
I only exposed the A to the in-laws because they kept asking and since they lived with us, they already knew we had big issues. Her dad guessed it was OM. Then they told their sons....which of course i get blamed for it because when the sons found out, i asked them a question if i was terriable to their sister.
I stopped involving them, but I can't stop them from being their parent to her, after all they do live with us. I already asked them to stop talking about this.
I know the failure was on my end with the marriage but i also realized its not me committing the A. She had a choice to do it or not.
How about the other 2 questions
Question How do i handle the discussion of kids custody? Do i stick to my guns about the schedule since i feel its best for the kids?
Do I seperate my funds? Or wait till she makes the 1st move on seperating funds? I make the majority of the income.
Thanks Jack3B
I picked lostsoul because for the 1st month, i was a lost, i lost my identity, lost my emotions, lost my sanity, well you get the point
Hi LS13...sorry you are here. But its the best place to be for this sh!tty situation we find ourselves in.
Listen to j3b....I am his biggest fan (i am sure he has heard that before from many). This man knows his sh!t.
Post often....
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Wife gave me the I love you but not in love you with speech. She did this after i approached her about making our marriage better. I noticed over the last year things have been slowly getting worst (she would nag about everything i do).
Wow, that's nearly a carbon copy of how it went down for me.
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Its been about 3 week since she stopped contacting the OM but our relationship isn't getting any better. I have already started on the GAL and detach phase. Bonding with my children and trying to appease her love language (acts of service). I know i neglected her feelings over the years but never realized just how bad it was.
All that sounds good, just understand that it takes lots of time for your W to believe in your 180's. Months. At first she'll think it's just a trick and that if she opens up her heart to you again you'll go right back to your old ways. So stick to your 180's and give it time. Right now she's thinking "too little too late" as you said. But don't let that concern you, she IS noticing.
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No physical contact with her, we don't sleep in the same bed, but we are still in the same house. Her wedding ring is off but she wears another ring on her middle finger (its an old ring she bought during our marriage).
Fast foward to our Current state. -W wants to seperate but she also mentioned Divorce.
Yeah, it sounds like she's one foot out the door. It's pretty common for the WAS to throw around D a lot early on, but often they drop it if the pressure is removed through DB'ing. S is another matter, usually when they get to the point where your W is then S could very well be her next step.
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I told her, I am not abandoning the house.
Good. She needs to suffer the consequences of her decisions, and if she decides on S, then she needs to feel the discomfort of finding a place, moving stuff, setting up bills, etc.
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-W says she is pissed at me for exposing the Affair, not sure if she can forgive me
Script. They always have something "unforgivable" they blame the LBS for.
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-W says at one point she did want to work on saving the marriage but i pushed her into this direction because how i exposed the Affair (not sure if this is true)
Sounds like she's trying to lay a guilt trip on you.
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-W hates me for turning her parents against her.
Of course you didn't do this, she did. But be prepared, you are going to receive the blame for every thing wrong in her life from a flat tire on her car to someone putting ketchup on her hamburger at lunch.
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How do i handle the discussion of kids custody? Do i stick to my guns about the schedule since i feel its best for the kids?
Keep an open mind. This is really something the two of you need to work out together. "Sticking to your guns" may result in an ugly, expensive custody battle.
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Do I seperate my funds? Or wait till she makes the 1st move on seperating funds? I make the majority of the income.
Boy that's a tough one. I didn't have to deal with it since we always maintained separate accounts. I think most here would tell you to do it. But it could make her really angry. My inclination would be to wait until she brings up S again and then use that as an opportunity to say "OK, since you're planning on that I'm going to go ahead and split the accounts so we can each focus on our own bills" or something like that.
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Did exposing the Affair really force me to lose my last chance?
No. Learn not to focus on what she says, you're probably going to hear worse before it gets better. One of the DB 180 tips:
"Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared."
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
F Soul Mates... Holywood needs to be kicked in the junk for making this craptastic term up.
ROTFLOL!! This reminds me of something my MC said, I think it was in the movie Jerry McGuire where Tom Cruise said "You complete me." She said she groaned out loud in the theater when she heard it, it totally flies in the face of modern counseling- this idea that one person cannot be complete without another
You've got some great Vets giving you advice here, in my opinion.
I'll add my 2 cents since our sitchs are somewhat similar.
My H is moving out soon but we are NOT separating our accounts--I wouldn't advise initiating this conversation. Since you make more $$ she may be happy w keeping joint accounts for now.
My H is having an EA with OW at work. Currently they are on a semi-break (NC outside of work, which is new as of 2 weeks ago). I think you & I both would be naive to think that the OP is out of the picture by a long shot.
About the kids- I have 3 boys & they are going to live with me only (H is setting up own little aptmt where boys are NOT visiting). H will visit in our home. I think you should hear her out about her opinion about kid visitations BUT you seem to have the kids' best interest in mind--she will have HER best interest in mind, so continue to lovingly stick to your convictions about what is best for THEM.
-Only my 2 cents (maybe 5)!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Welcome to the boards, sorry you find yourself here but you will get good support here.
My sitch is almost like yours, my W got involved with old friend, turned to EA, I exposed the A to SIL and my sister and my mom. Exposing to her sister not too bad, but with my mom and sis I'm regretting but what can I do it's done now. I did it out of anger then.
For your kids be as amicable as possible, you don't want to be fighting about them now. So to be clear, what you're proposing is that you won't have the kids on the weekends? Are you sure you want that? Consider the long term when the kids start to go to school M-F. Then you would want some weekends with them, IMO.
Exposing the A is not your last chance, although I'm not advocating exposing the affair. She will blame you anyways on a lot of things just focus on yourself and kids and your 180s.
Regarding your funds, IMO you should separate.
Good luck keep posting.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Hi LS13, sorry that u find urself here but these boards provide a great comfort.
I am pretty new to all this myself and as such cannot offer u much advice other than patience. This has been my biggest downfall to date. U will need bucketloads of patience. Read the 37 db rules and stick with them (these are gospel). The other essential piece of advice someone gave me is to accept that your old W and M are done. Your W has changed does not want ur old M and neither shld u. the quicker u accept that the better - again learning from my own mistakes with this one.
Re the money sitch please think and tread carefully. We had always had joint bank accounts but W wanted her independence and oown money. We are in the process of S finances now but I agree with other posters that it cld spark a lot of anger in W so be prepared esp if she wld lose out financially. Only u know what's right for ur sitch but my W seems so deep in a fog I can't trust her with our joint funds.
