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A Message from Michele
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Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: Acy] #2299981
11/15/12 05:52 AM
11/15/12 05:52 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
Oregon
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Acy Offline OP
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Acy  Offline OP
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Oregon
So I am putting no pressure on her and she seems in a better mood, could be coincidence. Maybe because she's glad about making a decision on the divorce.

Am I suppost to be trying to be all mysterious and unavailable? Is that the right tactic for this stitch?
If so, how often should I accept offers to do stuff together? Every other time?
The worst part is I like doing things with her, so its going to be hard to say I can't. Luckily I am very busy this weekend with my classes.

Another thought that occurs to me is I wonder if you guys could point me to some similar threads?


Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: Acy] #2300516
11/17/12 05:01 AM
11/17/12 05:01 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
Oregon
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Acy Offline OP
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Acy  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2012
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Oregon
So, I'm still waffling on the correct approach to this situation.
I'm understanding to put no pressure on her. Is going to counceling pressure?
I guess I'll leave that up to her. I'm going either way. Am I supposed to act like I don't want her? She already knows I want her. She knows I want to save the marriage- she probably feels like it would just be more of the same. So finalizing the divorce is probably in my favor. I always look good around her. I'm totally hitting the gym, so I look great. I'm still wondering about texting and stuff. Keep replys short, don't always respond right away? I've been letting her ask me to go out to dinner with our son. I've really let her be the instigator of us spending time together with our son. I'm still wondering about the whole be unavailable. What does that actually look like?

So I was in class all day and I texted her about dinner, "I'm available for dinner if you guys want to go out" (not typical for me to initiate) she responded that the cousins were over and they were eating. I put ok that's cool I'll see you guys later. This is the part that gives me hope. She said "ok, how was class today?"
She could have just said ok and left it there. We went back and forth a few times with me sending my texts as if it could just end. But she kept adding questions(you know typical chit chat) This feels like a good sign of at least being friends. (She pretty much hated me before I found DB, cause I was doing all the stuff I wasn't supposed to be doing) so here is to small victories, baby steps...


Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: Acy] #2300634
11/17/12 08:07 PM
11/17/12 08:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,425
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sandi2 Offline
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"So I am putting no pressure on her and she seems in a better mood, could be coincidence. Maybe because she's glad about making a decision on the divorce."

Acy, she's in a better mood b/c you agreed to the D. How did you go from "listening more" to "helping her fill out the paperwork"?

I doubt you'll be getting offers to do things together since you will be divorced from each other.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: sandi2] #2300637
11/17/12 08:18 PM
11/17/12 08:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,111
California
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WenikiTiki Offline
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California
Spot on ^^^^^^^^ Sandi2!


Small hijack here:

Hey Sandi2! I 've been wanting to tell you thanks for your early posts to me. I can't say much more, contact me on the alt if you ever want to.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: WenikiTiki] #2300651
11/17/12 09:02 PM
11/17/12 09:02 PM
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WTFL Offline
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WenikiTiki - you sound like you are leaving the board. I have been lurking and reading as much as I can. Your story has helped me hold on to what little self I have left. Thank you for your posts.

Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: WenikiTiki] #2300700
11/18/12 12:03 AM
11/18/12 12:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
NW USA
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LIO Offline
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What 'needs' did she have that you aren't meeting?
She said she didn't feel heard. Why?


You asked what being unavailable looks like.
For me: I don't answer the phone every time. I let it go to vm. I might call back later. Or I might listen to a vm and let it go.
I don't volunteer information, or talk about me.
I don't call just to talk. It's pursuing.


Our job is to listen. Not talk. This is a hard lesson that I've ignored for 8 months. It doesn't matter what we feel to them. It's about their feelings.

I worked hard on getting comfortable with responses that repeat back what they say. A good counselor does this and it draws out more from a person. A OP does fills this gap. If you can do it, then the OP isn't so special.

For example:
"I feel like I'm not being heard"
Me: "I understand, you feel that you are not being heard. What's been going on?" (I don't add anything else to that)
There is usually a clarification by the other person.
Me: "in xxxx situation, you feel like you aren't heard. I understand. (do not say "that must be (insert feeling here)" Let them get to the feeling themselves.

That moment is NOT the time for a solution. It's for you to add to your database of information of things that you might want to 180 silently.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: LIO] #2300727
11/18/12 02:44 AM
11/18/12 02:44 AM
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WTFL Offline
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I like reading what the men say here too, it gives me a different perspective that does have the attack from my spouse added for confusion.

Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: WenikiTiki] #2300989
11/19/12 02:05 PM
11/19/12 02:05 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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Thank you Weni, I appreciate it. I've never been on what people refer to as the alt.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: sandi2] #2301386
11/20/12 05:42 PM
11/20/12 05:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
Oregon
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Acy Offline OP
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Acy  Offline OP
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Oregon
So it's really hard to stay upbeat around waw. She talks to OM for hours each day. She wants to go to my family's functions, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. It could be just for our sons sake. Should I let her go to those functions? Should I go out with her on weekends? Or watch tv with her and my son? All these little things. Should I still be her best friend? I really feel like just cutting off all the seeing her and talking to her as I can. My thinking is she may realize she can't go out to dinner with online boyfriend. And going out to dinner is a big deal to her. I want to just focus on my life and spend as little time with her as possible.


Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
Re: Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here [Re: Acy] #2301414
11/20/12 07:05 PM
11/20/12 07:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted By: Acy
She wants to go to my family's functions, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. It could be just for our sons sake. Should I let her go to those functions?


It depends, how do y'all get along? If you fight a lot it'll just make everyone miserable.

Quote:
Should I go out with her on weekends? Or watch tv with her and my son?


Your sig says your separated, is that the case? If so, why would you want to go out with her or hang around and watch TV? She'll never learn to miss you if you're around each other all the time.

Quote:
Should I still be her best friend?


DR says yes, but most people around here say no. It's hard to detach and still be her best friend. And as mentioned above, she'll never learn to miss you if you're best buds.

Quote:
I really feel like just cutting off all the seeing her and talking to her as I can.


Then go with your instincts. Try it and monitor the results.

Quote:
I want to just focus on my life and spend as little time with her as possible.


Excellent plan!!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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