Husbands personality changed the last a couple of years. Several things have happened... Oldest son graduated college Mother came down with breast cancer Became part owner of a company Chronic issues with business partners Oldest son in boating accident with my husband broke back (he is fine) and in grad school in another state.. Youngest son getting ready to graduate college and move for grad school Turned 50 He has been very quiet around other people but still talked and did stuff with me, for the last two years. 1/12 Big argument and I told him if you are that unhappy the leave...DID NOT MEAN IT AT ALL! Felt backed into a corner and it just came out. 3/12 major issues at work came very upset felt like he was having a mental breakdown. 4/12 under a lot of stress with everything. Tells me he has been chronically nauseated for the past year and no sleep. 5/12 oldest son graduates college no happiness. It made him worse to me. Begged him to seek help. Would not go. Starts hinting that it is not his past or work, but everything is bothering him. He doesn't care about anything or anyone. (ouch) 7/12 oldest moves 20hours away Still pleading with him to go talk to someone. 8/12 after seeing a counselor who allows him to share his feelings, and then asks how does this make you feel.....and that's it.....asks him if we have ever thought about separation... He comes home tells me about it...the tears start...(granted I was leaving to go home for my 50th birthday party with friends) so out of pure emotional response I leave a month earlier. 9/12 counselor tells him he is depressed and the marriage is causing his depression. WOW! He tells me he is unhappy, he loves me but isn't in love with me. After which I made a fool of myself begging, pleading, crying on the phone. 10/12 told him I can't have those type phone calls anymore where I act like that. So we took break from calling. Was in the ER for kidney stones this last week. And he showed concern. When we talk on the phone he is greeted by nothing but positive emotions. I told him I was excited to come home which met with silence tonight. And then he told me he was going to start taking flying lessons. There has been no intimacy because he can't. Because of the stress, depression so the doctor told him. I have listened hard and well with his concerns and issues. I have made many mistakes. Intimacy being the biggest. His emotional disconnect. Which goes hand in hand. I told him I was going to fight for this marriage. I love him. Always have. Just got overly settled thinking that things would get better. Any advice, please...I go home this Sunday, and I am scared.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you so much. When you say I am in moderation what does that mean, exactly. I will read through the above links and will do my homework. Thank you again.
Moderation means your posts won't post instantly, they will be viewed by a moderator then posted. So don't get frustrated if you don't see your posts. Keep posting and read as much as you can on here. It will open your eyes!
I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble. Read the Divorce Remedy book as soon as you can. For sure read the chapter that is online here under Mid-Life Crisis.
The main thing to learn is to seriously not beg and plead. And Sandi2's 37 rules. Which you commented on, so you read them. Print out a copy and put it close at hand. Read it everytime you wonder if what you are saying or doing is what is best.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Sorry you find yourself here -- I agree with the 37 rules I also like the Recipe for Success - remember do not try to control or manipulate your spouse - this will send them running -- believe me I know --- also be STRONG CONFIDENT and UPBEAT --
Good Luck
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Felt real good yesterday, even strong. Today not so much. Emotions creeping up. I guess because I turned my phone off last night he tried calling twice and then twice this morning. Finally talked to him, didn't offer much info on eating out last night with friends. Even though he asked. Now feel terrible. Was he really trying to reach out, and showing concern? Or what? I feel like an ass. Just so confusing. And I ended the phone call before he could. We talked maybe 3 minutes. Haven't seen him in two months and I fly home Sunday. I am so nervous. As of now no plans, on what to do next....I am in this for the long haul. I am changing me. I am not waiting on h to fulfill my life. We have distanced ourselves from friends because of him. I didn't want to go out without him. No longer am I doing this. If he wants to stay home that is fine. Damn! I hate this.
Felt real good yesterday, even strong. Today not so much. Emotions creeping up. I guess because I turned my phone off last night he tried calling twice and then twice this morning. Finally talked to him, didn't offer much info on eating out last night with friends. Even though he asked. Now feel terrible. Was he really trying to reach out, and showing concern? Or what? I feel like an ass. Just so confusing. And I ended the phone call before he could. We talked maybe 3 minutes. Haven't seen him in two months and I fly home Sunday. I am so nervous. As of now no plans, on what to do next....I am in this for the long haul. I am changing me. I am not waiting on h to fulfill my life. We have distanced ourselves from friends because of him. I didn't want to go out without him. No longer am I doing this. If he wants to stay home that is fine. Damn! I hate this.
Calling to contact you 4 times he may be panicing a little the worst thing you could do now is be needy or wanting for him - be friendly but detached - like " whats up " and select little short phrases like did you need something -- treat him like an aquaintence at work.
Stop worrying about him ( I know I have a hard time with this )
Find something you want to do for you and do it - work on you and detach from him
Keep reading here - Recipe For Success thread is amazing. So is Bowtechs thread
Good Luck
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I think you did great by not staying on the phone long and not sharing every detail. If you can not talk about the relationship when you do get there, you will be miles ahead. And when he brings up the relanionship, and he will eventually, validate his feelings. Even though you may want to argue and blame. The first time you are able to do that you will feel so darn amazing. Don't give him any conflict with you. Let him get in his own head and sort himself out.
Mean while, you are sorting yourself out. I'm sure others on here will come along and ask you some questions.
Have a nice day. Breath!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
