My Fears in GALing

[newman7977]

My first thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...117#Post2285117

In summary in last month's sitch:
I joined DB forum to help cope from another EA contact with W and OM. I told W to get out of the house and I exposed W to my SIL. SIL then have asked me to be patient with W.

Out of Anger, I ask for trial separation but couldn't pull it through because of the kids. We put it off for now, until we get more info from counseling.

W expressed that what really pushed her the second time to OM is my constant pressure to ML. I don't know, this is I think how I wanted to cope of the sitch, I just wanted to be close to her because she was so distant. But that was really bad and I'm not sure how bad a damage I've done. SIL suggested we have a physical separation for now and we are now sleeping in separate rooms. It helped, I haven't touched my W since and not initiated ML. I did hug her a couple of days ago due to stress on D17s college stuff, she looked stress so I gave her a hug. The hug wasn't welcome, now I know. Next time I'm not really going to initiate physical contact.

The communication with W is mainly light conversation nowadays. Mostly how her day goes and kids. Treating her like a co-worker. I also had one of my meltdown and grilled her one day on R talks, it was a major backslide. During this talk I express her my boundaries that although I cannot control her actions regarding the contact with OM, but I have a choice to remove myself from the sitch. I just don't think our M will progress with an influence of a 3rd party.

There are no signs of contact with OM to date since 9/5. I do noticed that W is very lethargic, not very upbeat. Perhaps the withdrawals of OM is getting to her. Is there anything I can do to help with this?

Improvements:
1) Better communication with W
2) I'm more involved with the kids
3) I have a better control of my anger
4) I feel better and confident
5) Boundaries have been established

More work/goal:
1) continue with the improvements last month
2) Focus on me and not the EA
3) GAL
4) see a lawyer

My fears in GALing: W express I was in my own world and did a lot GALing. So she felt lonely and resented me for being selfish. SO if I GAL it would validate her feelings and worst, she will think I'm back to my old self!

I found GALs that involved the kids. The first time I GAL'd W didn't go. But the last few weekends, everytime I ask W, she would say yes.

I'm trying to find strength and good ideas to GAL. Also if I GAL w/o the kids and create that mystery, wouldn't this push her to OM because she would think I might be cheating too?

Newman

[newman7977]

25,

You mentioned this in the old thread "I don't know what you mean by overdoing it, vis a vis the kids."

You're right I shouldn't worry about her annoyance. I'll keep taking care of my kids. I don't know why, maybe she's a little jealous? S3 is really attached to me, he says he will only sleep with me, daddy has big muscles (even though I don't lol), daddy is strong, daddy this daddy that. But W shows love to him, and I encourage him to go to W. It's not like I tell him not too.

Anyways, I'll keep what I'm doing because I'm not doing anything wrong. It feels really good that he looks up to me.

What do you mean by this?
"...you MIGHT keep the NC rule for OM and GAL as if your w is a roomate and make plans for going OUT"

Yes NC rule for OM for sure. But the going out part--Is this going out like on a date? I thought about this but really nothing like an A, but maybe just going with a female friend? Don't throw stones at me, I'm just thinking of an idea, I'd be lying if I say this didn't cross my mind. I mean what's wrong with two adults having dinner if it is set from the beginning that this is just a friendly dinner and nothing more. I don't know I'm rambling.

I'll think about this more tomorrow.

Newman

[labug]

You'll probably hear all kinds of things.

I'm married, married people don't go out on dates.

But if your W is having an affair maybe the feelings you are having now give you some insight into what she was feeling when she was "just going out with a male friend", or seeking the company of a male friend or whatever her reasons were.

I don't see how you save a marriage by inviting other people into it.

[newman7977]

Labug,

Thanks for your insights. You are right I shouldn't be thinking that way, I'm still M and that's just not me.

What prompted that thought is that one day last week, I got an invite from a female coworker to go to lunch. She's one of the bunch of us that go to lunch, so her invite meant really nothing else but a lunch. But the sitch was, the the rest of the bunch were out that day and it was only the two of us. I declined the invite and just said I have errands after all for lunch.

I thought to myself why didnt I go, it was just a lunch and were adults nothing wrong with it. Plus my W during this ordeal have told me to find someone else, I told her no what I want is her.

Anyway, going back to that, I also thought I'm vulnerable and not thinking straight. The lunch might mean nothing but these days I've been craving attention from W and I do feel lonely.

Mind you that none of my coworkers don't know my sitch and I'm sure if that female would've known, she probably would've been awkward asking me.

Anyways, my thoughts are just flowing 24/7. I really need to stop obsessing, since the bomb every time I have free time all I think about is my sitch. I need to go back to my normal life.

I have IC at the end of the month, I'll bring this up to him.

Newman

[Rick1963]

"Anyways, my thoughts are just flowing 24/7. I really need to stop obsessing, since the bomb every time I have free time all I think about is my sitch. I need to go back to my normal life."

This^^^^is normal. The way you go back to feeling good is by GALing. I'm on 16 months of this and still think about it not as often so it will take time.
be patient with yourself.

[hopefulinga]

I think we all obsess at some point. I don't think about it 24/7 anymore, but when I have negative thoughts, I start to obsess. Getting out and getting my mind off of it, even if for an hour, helps. It is harder when you are wonder where you W is and what she is doing. I'm having to stop that obsession as well with my H.

I'm trying to stop my thoughts, even if I have to literally talk to myself to make me think of something else.

Try to do some GAL this weekend to get your mind in another place.

[needgrace]

hi newman,

obsession, i know it well...ugh!

one thing which helps me is to engage in novel experiences.. new activities, sights, learning new things, new types of exercise, reading, etc.. stimulate the brain.

(((((( )))))))

[newman7977]

Rick, hopeful, and grace,

Thank you for the support. Yes obsessing is the worst, whether I'm in traffic, walking, shower, it keeps injecting in my head. I'm sorry we're all in this same pain. Good to know it does get better. The ideas you guys sent my way is good. I'll try reading non R topic.

By the way, I have an opportunity to GAL tomorrow with my buddy in the afternoon. But my W's cousin is celebrating his kid party. We normally go to these event all of us. I can be mysterious here and just go with my buddy at his house, just dudes being dudes some beers, card game and such.

But I'm so torn, I feel that I'm not ready to go my separate ways, but at the same time this will be a mysterious move. What do you guys think? There's also the guilt that I won't be with my kids in this party.

The other thing is that what if my W retaliates next weekend and do her thing, I'm not sure I'm not ready for that...

Thanks for anticipated thoughts/tips/advise.

Newman

[newman7977]

By the way, I have an opportunity to GAL tomorrow with my buddy in the afternoon. But my W's cousin is celebrating his kid party. We normally go to these event all of us. I can be mysterious here and just go with my buddy at his house, just dudes being dudes some beers, card game and such.

But I'm so torn, I feel that I'm not ready to go my separate ways, but at the same time this will be a mysterious move. What do you guys think? There's also the guilt that I won't be with my kids in this party.

The other thing is that what if my W retaliates next weekend and do her thing, I'm not sure I'm not ready for that...

Thanks for anticipated thoughts/tips/advise.

Newman

Btw, right now W has that cold stare, feels like I don't even exist. WTH did I do, I just got home from work. Im staying out of her way though. The more and more I wanna GAL tomorrow, solet me know what you guys think.

Or should I wait for a better GAL?

Thanks
Newman

[Denver_2010]

By the way, I have an opportunity to GAL tomorrow with my buddy in the afternoon. But my W's cousin is celebrating his kid party. We normally go to these event all of us. I can be mysterious here and just go with my buddy at his house, just dudes being dudes some beers, card game and such.

But I'm so torn, I feel that I'm not ready to go my separate ways, but at the same time this will be a mysterious move. What do you guys think? There's also the guilt that I won't be with my kids in this party.

The other thing is that what if my W retaliates next weekend and do her thing, I'm not sure I'm not ready for that...

Thanks for anticipated thoughts/tips/advise.

Newman

Btw, right now W has that cold stare, feels like I don't even exist. WTH did I do, I just got home from work. Im staying out of her way though. The more and more I wanna GAL tomorrow, solet me know what you guys think.

Or should I wait for a better GAL?

Thanks
Newman

All you should be doing right now is GALing... don't care what it is