I had a bunch of weird dreams last night. Too crazy to get into detail about, but I think that's why I'm feeling angry and full of resentment this morning. I still can't believe H didn't even call to say "How's your day going?" yesterday. I think my feelings were hurt more than anything because he knows my b'day is a big deal and why. I'm going to let it go, but this showed me something. He's gone. Not that I didn't believe he was, but the H I married would not have done this.
Maybe his head is so far in the clouds that he can't see anyone else right now. Or maybe it's stuck down below. LOL Either way its mighty dark there.
Just needed to get that out. Better than calling him and ranting over the phone I guess.
Finally heard from H by text the day after my b'day. He said he had been busy helping around the house since his mother had been ill. Anyway, we talked on the phone that night. The conversation didn't go well. He was being really short with me, so I ended the call. I immediately got an apology text. He said MIL really wasn't well and he was scared. I just said I understood and was here if he wanted to talk - which he still isn't doing with anyone.
MIL had a dr appt today to see what was causing her symptoms and if they found anything, then they were going to admit her right then. I talked to MIL on Sunday as well and I could tell something was off. I prayed about it and decided to come see her for myself. I didn't tell H I was coming. I just wanted to be here in case she did need surgery. Something in my spirit was just saying go.
I didn't involved myself in the dr appt. In fact, I didn't tell H I was here until after he gave me the rundown on the test results. There was a slight pause (of surprise I'm sure), then he said Thank you, and that he appreciated me coming. MIL ended up not being able to be released until 5pm so I told himself I'd just come by the house to see her once they got her settled.
I'm sure I'll get some 2x4s for this, but I prayed about it, and believe I was supposed to come. I'm not going to talk to H about us. I just want to see MIL, and then I'm heading back home tomorrow.
On another note, I have to be honest and say I've pretty much given up on any hope of a R. But I swear everyone I've talked to today (family & friends) have told me not to give up yet. It seems to be the going theme for every conversation. I will say that each conversation has given me some things to think about. So that's what I'm going to do. Spend some time thinking and praying. I've slacked off since H left. That's what kept me grounded after BD, so obviously that's what I need to get back to.
MIL is resting tonight, so I will go see her before I head back home tomorrow. I'm super tired, so that's probably for the best anyway.
One other thing...
I've been working on being my true, authentic self throughout this whole thing. I have to say that had this happened to the old me, I probably would have held a grudge against MIL because of H and not shown up. I realized the other day that this is what unconditional love is. Loving in spite of... It's a new concept for me because I was never shown love like that as a child. It feels good (and strange at the same time) that I am capable of loving like that. I honestly never thought I could.
It's interesting that family and friends have suggested that you don't give up. In my case it's the opposite. I hear nothing since all I used to hear was to give up hope.
I'm not one to criticize you visiting MIL. I'm the same. I check up on her once in a while, although lately I also find myself detaching from her as well we H. Interesting isn't it?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
It's interesting that family and friends have suggested that you don't give up. In my case it's the opposite. I hear nothing since all I used to hear was to give up hope.
I'm not one to criticize you visiting MIL. I'm the same. I check up on her once in a while, although lately I also find myself detaching from her as well we H. Interesting isn't it?
Yes that is interesting. I can see myself doing the same thing, the longer we're separated. Especially since I live 4 hours away. The thought of that suddenly made me sad. Just as I finally feel like a part of the family, BD happens. *sigh*
Hey Ro, You acted out of kindness and concern and in regard to your own relationship with your MIL. I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, it seems the high road to me in doing the caring thing in spite of what could be awkwardness with your H.
Glad you're feeling good. Love what you said about unconditional love. Its kind of like once you are able to love and out out of love without any expectations of return, you find there is a strength in yourself that you didn't realize was there. (((Ro)))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Hey Ro, You acted out of kindness and concern and in regard to your own relationship with your MIL. I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, it seems the high road to me in doing the caring thing in spite of what could be awkwardness with your H.
Glad you're feeling good. Love what you said about unconditional love. Its kind of like once you are able to love and out out of love without any expectations of return, you find there is a strength in yourself that you didn't realize was there. (((Ro)))
Thanks for stopping by, Ces! Before I MIGHT would have taken the high road, but would have made sure I was well set into the victim role. I decided I'm not doing that anymore. It feels good to know that even in this, I can still show love.
Beautiful posts Ro about your love and compassion put into action and honest reflection on yourself. Inspiring to read. Thank you for posting them. ((((( ))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
