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A Message from Michele
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Re: New story [Re: unbidden] #2286721
10/06/12 05:15 PM
10/06/12 05:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
S
Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
I appreciate the advice and as most of you here know that this is the worst and hardest thing I've ever had to do/face. I just want to be able to go for longer periods of time where I'm not thinking about them and crying over it. In 24 weeks there hasn't been one cry-free day. Yes, it's gotten better since June/July but I'm still bad nights, mornings and usually during the day some time. How do people get past this?

BTW, I'm speaking with a DB coach this week. Yay. I'm hoping for some positive strategies that will give me something to work towards. I'm dreading the approaching holidays already.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: unbidden] #2286824
10/06/12 11:39 PM
10/06/12 11:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
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Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
Thank you. I want quick changes but I know that's not going to be. I'm tiring my friends who listen to me day in and day out. This is the only place where it seems everybody knows exactly how bad you feel. I'm working on feeing better now.

I'll be here until I can wear my wedding ring again. And then maybe I'll be like some people who have been successful and shared their stories of pain, despair, confidence, and the power to overcome it all. I'm not giving up!


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2289471
10/15/12 12:57 PM
10/15/12 12:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
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Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
So here's an update:
3 weeks ago we had a big blowout and I told the OW that H and I had been intimate a number of times since he moved out. She said I could have him; he said he'd make my life miserable. Next day they make up I guess and he's totally was not talking to me. I guess I stirred up some serious things and it was wrong of me. Anyway since then I spoke with a DB coach and we decided that its in my best interest to do a 180 and that he must feel something if he was intimate with me. I saw him Saturday at grandson's soccer game and I said hello but basically detached myself and when it was over I said good bye and left. Today I texted him to ask if he was at work in the a.m. so that I could drop off his mail (he works close to where I work) and he wasn't there but conversation via texting was sarcastic in my opinion. He claimed that I am smartand that I should find someone as smart as I am. I said don't be sarcastic and he said he wasn't but I don't believe it. Then I said that maybe I did find someone but he shouldn't tell me what to do....I haven't. Anyway he says that's great. Thing is I don't want him to think that its great if I meet someone. It seems that he just wants me to though. I'm just so hurt still; its almost 6 months that he dropped the bomb and I haven't had a tear-free day since. I even dreamt of him and woke up with those lonely feelings again. Its very hard to put up a front, but now I'm wondering if it would even matter to him. Sounds like he doesn't want to look back. The financial situation is great where he is now. IDK what's next.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2289506
10/15/12 02:29 PM
10/15/12 02:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
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Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
BTW...I still want to hit him and tell him to come to his senses!

Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2289660
10/15/12 08:48 PM
10/15/12 08:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,062
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Snookie, back away from him and leave him alone. Your emotions are controlling you right now and they aren't making you very attractive to him.

If he wants his mail, he knows how to get it. Don't find excuses to contact him. Every day you can go without contacting him is another day closer to him returning to you.

Leave the OW alone. It sounds as if they could break up soon (if you will stay out of the way). She isn't your real problem. And each time that you attack her, it makes you look like a she-devil from hell! Let her hang herself. That is not how to get him back. Drop the rope you have tied to him and GAL. Time and distance is the game plan.

Please protect yourself from getting STD! He is having sex with another woman.....who knows how many she's had sex with!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: New story [Re: sandi2] #2289721
10/15/12 11:07 PM
10/15/12 11:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
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Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
You're right Sandi that my emotions are controlling me. I'm really trying to get out and do things but every night and every morning is just awful for me. I walk around saying to myself how stupid this all is.

But you're right, I have to let them alone even though I hate it. I imagine them having fun but then I think that she or he will stop and think hard about what they're doing. Shes a very successful businesswoman and can buy him anything. She has two adolescent kids. My husband raised his kids already and has grand kids. Anyway I think I over-think the whole sitch.

I'll try to kee everything in perspective and wait it out. Never thought I'd be here in this way as I'm approaching this fantastic age and time in my life. I hope there's a happy ending in there somewhere.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2289907
10/16/12 03:30 PM
10/16/12 03:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,304
A
AnotherStander Online
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AnotherStander  Online
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,304
Like Sandi said, do not contact the OW! And let him come get his own mail. Taking it to him is not your job.

Originally Posted By: Snookee
Then I said that maybe I did find someone but he shouldn't tell me what to do....I haven't. Anyway he says that's great.


Don't play games, he'll see right through it. He'll perceive it as you trying to trick him into coming back.

Quote:
Thing is I don't want him to think that its great if I meet someone. It seems that he just wants me to though.


DB tip 32:
Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

He wants you to find someone else so that he can feel better about his own infidelity. Just hold yuor course and leave him to his guilt. He may not be expressing it outwardly, but he is feeling guilty inside.

Quote:
I'm just so hurt still; its almost 6 months that he dropped the bomb and I haven't had a tear-free day since.


You're having trouble pulling yourself out of depression. Go see your PCP and talk to them about this. You don't have to suffer like this. Counseling and/ or A/D's will get you out of the rut and help you feel normal again.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: New story [Re: AnotherStander] #2289969
10/16/12 05:38 PM
10/16/12 05:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
S
Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
Well Stander you're right too and I agree with everything; its just hard. You all know that already.

My biggest fear right now this moment is getting through the holidays. Maybe there's a more specific area here that addresses that more. Way too many family memories there. IDK how the heck I can get through them if he's not with me. He intends to share some time I know with the grand kids at my daughter's. I guess TBD at a later date.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2306960
12/13/12 07:25 PM
12/13/12 07:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
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Snookee Offline OP
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Snookee  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Westchester County, NY
Well I'm back here at this first topic of mine reading the beginning things that I wrote and the comments made. I was told my sandi2 that they may break up soon. Well she threw him out of the house 2 times in 2 months and told him to go home to me. The first episode lasted maybe a day and then she took him back. The second time she packed everything and delivered it to my house. So he was forced to be there. Long story short, he led me to believe that there was a chance of us getting back but I just knew that he needed time to lick his wounds since it was her decision to cut him loose. He was in and out for a couple of weeks and I was planning the holidays when he just left! Just like that! And he went back to her! I went into that deep sadness that I felt in the beginning and was getting out of. This is a savvy business woman and able to have anything she wants. My apartment can fit into her house probably 20 times. I feel he went back to her because she's footing everything. I also think that he's her "conquest". She knew that I didn't want him to go and she knew how it hurt everyone involved. I don't know why a woman would take a married man back after he was caught being intimate with his wife more than one occasion. Well one thing for sure.....I am NOT going to do anything with him; not text him or sleep with him or call him. I'm doing the complete detachment again. But I have to be honest and say I'm hurting very much and its horrible this happened around the holidays. How can a husband be so cruel to his wife? Even our adult kids were happy and now they're mixed up too. I'm at the "now what" stage of dealing with this. I still love my husband but I have looked at the dating sites and am going to a separation/divorce weekly meeting group. I'm at this crossroad because I truly believe that its not a true love he has with her. He had told me that and looked directly at me when I asked and that I believe. So.....now what???


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Re: New story [Re: Snookee] #2307112
12/14/12 04:12 AM
12/14/12 04:12 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,001
L
littleGTO Offline
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littleGTO  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,001
Hi, Snookee,

Just caught up on your posts. Sorry you are here. Our sitchs are somewhat similar--M17 yrs, T20yrs, 3 children (although mine are younger). BD was almost 6 months ago. And, I too cry almost every day. I hurt deeply every day. There is OW in the picture too.

My H has said similar things--He's "in love" w OW. ("In love" is just a fantasy-based/initial stage of liking something about someone & wanting to be around them a lot... it never lasts. It can't.) Obviously your H's R w OW is not going to last, but in the meantime you need to take care of yourself.

Seeing your dr for some A/D's might be a good idea. I am going to see mine next week, esp to get thru holidays. HOlidays will be tough for all here. They will be different for sure. Try to find something...even one thing...to do that is for YOU, that makes YOU happy during the holidays. I'm taking my boys to see the city/park lights tomorrow night!

Come here often. Lots of us do/will. Know that what you are going thru is typical for a LBS. Lots of hugs to you!!!


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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