WHG: Waiting out the time before D...

[OneLessWife]

Hey WHG , how is it going.

[workinghardguy]

Been a busy couple of weeks. Was able to have all the kids this past weekend, or most of it. SS went with his grandpa part of the weekend. Took SD to the mall since she's moving into those pre-teen years where the children's museum just doesn't cut it as much anymore

We got our final hearing date today... the day after my birthday. I really hate that every significant moment in this debacle has been tied to some memorable day. Bomb drop the day before our anniversary. Her move out the day after Valentine's Day. Now this. Makes not remembering awfully hard.

I've actually been pretty good, though right now I'm a mess. Just got off the phone with STBX about the hearing date. Guess the finality of the hearing date has me pretty sad right now.

I will say this whole process has taught me things. I used to be much more judgmental. This weekend at the mall I bought my SD something she wanted. It wasn't a lot, but I found myself doing it because I get to spend such little time with her. Hoping that when she wears it she'll at least think of me. I used to look down on the part-time dads who bought stuff... but I get it now. I'm not a part-time dad by choice, but I am one nonetheless.

It's also taught me to be more grateful. Just last night I was sitting in my STBX's living room, reading over the divorce paperwork one last time. I found myself getting angry and bitter. But I forced myself to reflect that I had just had the chance to tuck my S in, spend time with SS and SD all night, and enjoy supper with them. STBX had to work and I was with the kids last night; tucking them in at her house because of school tomorrow. Lots of dads don't get that. So I could be bitter or I can be grateful for what I do have.

I see absolutely no change in my STBX. We pretty much only talk about the kids. I'm dark except when I have them or are with them. I don't involve myself in her life. She hasn't shown the slightest interest in me.

She has her guy and that's enough for her right now. I haven't been dating and still don't feel ready, though I'm growing more ready each month.

Last night she asked if we wanted to do a joint Christmas this year. I'm not sure yet. Though it's probably the only way I can see SS and SD any time around the actual holiday. We'd go 50/50 on presents for the kids. It's all a little strange. But I'm probably smarting right now from the final hearing news.

The only big development is that my STBX waived any claim to my 401k. She's put off dealing with it since this started. I told her I wouldn't get in the way but also wouldn't help. I also told her I would pay half of the cost of having an attorney draft the necessary order to split my 401k with her. Now she's frustrated and just wants to get the divorce done (even I will admit it's dragged on a long time). So she said to get it done she doesn't want to mess around with the time it would take to get an order and is just giving it up.

My first instinct was to push back and tell her she shouldn't do this. She needs the money... but you know what? She's an adult. This has always been her habit.. ignore until it's too late and then do it halfway. I've always been the one to fix the problems that doing that causes. But not this time. It's a $30,000 swing in my favor right now and about a $300,000 swing in my favor in 30 years.

So... sad today. S will be heartbroken on Nov 12. He keeps asking me if the divorce will actually happen and telling me he doesn't want it to. But we'll survive. Life will go on.

[Rick1963]

Yes it is sad whg. I remember how I felt the day of my divorce. I'm divorced a little over a month now. In a way it was liberating. I had no choice or say in the matter. Nothing turned out the way exw thought it would tho. She is not having fun and I feel bad for her some days. Things can only get better from now on. So hang in there. Keep being a great dad.

[OneLessWife]

Rick and WHG I have been divorced one year this month myself. Although my exw on the outside seems happy with her man now, I still get the calls about how to fix things with cars the house and all sorts of things that the om can't do. I remember how I felt the day my d was final. I can tell you that it does get better, I have my down days but it seems to me its more of missing my kids than ex, although having an intact family is what I dream of often, I know that will never happen and even if the ex wanted to r with me, i think I would love to hear that conversation but don't know what I would do or say. So Rick I know you have several weeks until you know what alone is...( i am sorry ) and WHG you be final next month. I find that this board and this board only has helped me. I find it comforting that although I never met anyone from here that we have a bond that we can stay on here for years and help other people through there sitches. Like Denver and LITB , that's what is cool about life.....HOPE....

[rickb89]

Hi WHG. I have not been on the boards for months and decided to check in and here you are. It's so tough what you are going through and I am just about to begin that path myself.

You seem like you are taking the high road all along. They say time heals all wounds. Let's hope you can move into a new and fulfilling world.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks everyone. I like to think I've largely taken the high road... but what other road is there really? I know my S watches me constantly. I hear it in his questions and his ponderings.

The other day he asked me something about mommy. He said I wouldn't do something because that's only something you do for someone you care about. We talked about that. I told him I will always care about mommy because she is mommy, someone I loved, and someone who will always mean something. That seemed to satisfy him, but I could tell it was a test.

Time does help. I think I'm in the acceptance phase of grieving though it's pretty easy to move back and forth among the phases.

The alone thing... I already get. She's been gone since February. I keep busy. Have met new friends. Life is pretty good. Still miss someone to share it with though. But don't feel ready to invest in someone else. Torn there I guess. Then again I find it hard to remember that dating isn't necessarily about the "whole enchilada", at least not initially. It's about meeting people and seeing if you connect. Still sounds tiring though

[workinghardguy]

So I remain torn on the appropriate course... It's clear my STBX is quite into this new R of hers. Which is fine... do what you want to do. What I have a problem with is that she keeps dragging the kids into it, particularly my S. This weekend she only had S due to a scheduling change with her other XH. So S spent two nights over at her BF's place. Her BF has a S the same age as my S and they have lots of fun. I get that. But seriously?

But I keep biting my tongue. I know my input won't matter a hill of beans. And she's been respectful of my feelings to some degree. For example this morning she agreed that S could come to church with me (this was something we agreed upon before she moved out, but it was only if she didn't have something going on). But she was nice enough to bring S to church so I didn't have to go to BF's house to get him. She knows that would've not been a good place for me.

So yes, I keep biting my tongue. It's her life and I don't believe my input will change anything, so why bother?

On the upside today I had a special treat of getting to spend the day with my S. When STBX dropped him off at church he asked if he could spend the day with me. I told him that it's mommy's day to which mommy replied "he said he'd rather spend the day with you so it's fine with me." Ok.... well, I guess with me he does have undivided attention versus having to compete with BF's son and BF.

So S and I went to church, then lunch, and then to the pottery shop to make grandma a Christmas present. We had fun. I was grateful as this was the first five-day run without my S in a long time. I was missing him pretty bad this morning. To be honest today's sermon was not something that really interested me, but I went because I wanted to spend time with S and it's been a few weeks since he's been able to go due to scheduling issues.

Keep on, keeping on. That's my motto these days. Keep on, keeping on. Today my S was taking about the D... and at one point he just says "Life is going to do what it's going to do". Yes little man.. yes it is.

[workinghardguy]

No, she's there too. She's staying overnight at BF's house with our S.

[OneLessWife]

WHG are you doing ok? Give an update

[workinghardguy]

Yep doing ok, thanks for checking on my OLW Been terribly busy... it's grant application season and been up to my neck in work and volunteering. Just haven't gotten back here lately.

Spent the morning with my STBX at a class the court requires for parents divorcing with children. The class wasn't all that great, but at least it confirmed for me that STBX and I are doing what we're supposed to do. STBX and I sat together and it was like old times. I was my usual self and she laughed a lot. Yet again no one would guess we're getting divorced... except for the part where we're at a class for people getting divorced

What frustrated me the most about the class was that it talked about conflict, about not trapping your kids in conflict, about resolving conflict. But what it didn't talk about was that, fundamentally, conflict and anger are choices you make. You choose to be angry. You choose to be pissed off. Maybe not initially as that's a biochemical reaction, but afterwards you choose whether to continue to grind your anger and feed the conflict. And if you have kids in the middle that's not ok. And even if you don't have kids it's still not healthy.

The class had one very awkward moment... the instructor asked if any of us got our way all the time in our failed marriages (the assumed answer is no). Suddenly my STBX raised her hand. The instructor noticed her and said, "you did?" STBX replied "Yes. All the time. He would move earth and mountains to get things my way." The instructor looked at her very seriously and replied, "Then you're an idiot [for divorcing him]". Then there was quiet tension until another woman blurted out, "Well I'll take him then".

I felt sorry for my STBX. I know what she meant. That I did do that, but not for the right reasons and not in the way she needed. Then after the class we talked for a while outside. About the kids, friends, and life. Suddenly she blurted out that she's sorry she failed me and our marriage. It came as we were discussing her friend who's getting a divorce. How her friend's husband blames my STBX. My STBX looks at me and says, "I told him {BFF's STBX], look, I own that I screwed everything up, failed [me], and destroyed my marriage..." and then goes on how she isn't going to own her BFF's failed marriage.

After that we talked a bit about how we got here at her lead. I owned what I feel I still own. But it was good and it was the first R talk in a long, long time.

Otherwise things are what they are. I still spend time with all the kids as much as I can, never as much as I want. Not dating yet. Tried it once. Turned out she was unhappily married. Go figure. Still trying to find my groove. I volunteered to coordinate and ride in a 400 mile bike ride this summer to raise money for the national network I work for. Definitely outside my comfort zone

My S is doing good... we had a fun Halloween. I was bothered by the fact that STBX chose to switch shifts so she could party instead of trick or treating with S, but her choice and her loss. S wanted to trick or treat with his cousin so I ended up going around with my STBX MIL, FIL, two SILs, a BIL, a niece and a nephew. It was interesting as usual with that crowd, but now when I'm with them I feel much freer. Like judge me or not I don't really care...