busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Hi all,

Been lurking on this website reading and taking all that I can apply to my sitch. It helped me tremendously thanks to all the vets and posters here.

My story is very similar to most of the sitchs here. I'm sorry were all here and going through the same pain.

My wife dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb on May 2011. I was devastated and was really blindsided. I thought our marriage was just like any couple, the normal ups and downs. But I was wrong, my wife felt unloved and lonely. She got in touch with friend from childhood and the connection grew to EA.

I find out the EA this year and I thought the EA is over. In the beginning I also did the wrong things like begging, pursuing and gifts. Until I read DR and finally focused on my kids and myself, I GAL. W noticed my changes. But seemed like the addiction with OM is extremely high. I busted her lying again. The OM is from another state and I discover he's here and confirmed they were together last night for dinner. She assured me nothing happened.

I think this EA is already turned to PA. I confronted W this morning and I told her this will not work if she keeps talking to OM. I'm done, I told her she should move out to sort out her feelings.

I will post more later. Any comments/suggestions will be great.

newman

[Denver_2010]

Give us more background on your relationship/marriage. What have been some of the problems? What is/was your role in those problems? What do you think that your W is getting from the A that she was not getting from the M? Do you know anything else about OM?

[newman7977]

Denver thanks I'm meaning to read your sitch. I will give more info later. I'm suppose to meet w to talk further for dinner.

Married for 18 yrs w 3 kids (d17; s12; s3).

Anyway is it better to separate and work through her feelings? Or live in one roof and give her space? My deal breaker is if she continue with this EA that's where I draw the line. I will work on our marriage but she has to end EA.

Will post more later gotta go.

Newman

[newman7977]

I'm still in moderation and not sure what I wrote before. I'm basically a wreck right now emotionally. Because I'm hurt again, not as bad as when I found out back in May. But this second lie about the EA is eating me again.

We've been married 18 years, we have 3 kids (D17; S12: S3). Our lives have been hectic, kids, work, money you know the usual reality of life. W dropped the bomb last year as I mentioned in my first post. She had complaints about our relationship but stupid me didn't pay attention. Her complaints was we became distant, didn't do dating like couple would do, I didn't have time for her, didn't talk to her, what else? That's all I remember for now. I really didn't think these were a big deal until the bomb. Oh and she told me I wasn't really a good father. I felt like she blamed me for everything to justify her EA.

I understand I'm not perfect, and my 180s were focusing on the kids. I'm more involved since the bomb. After reading on this forum I confirmed I was doing the right thing so now I keep working on to be a better dad.

Its hard because one of her complaints were I had a world of my own and did my own stuff during the marriage. So with GALing my fear is that this would confirm her impression of me. Need your thoughts on this.

I think my wife is getting the words of affirmation from the guy. It make sense, because it's all text and somehow she fell for it. She says she's in love and he's in love with her. And I finally realized her love language is affirmation and acts of service after reading 5LL.

About the OM, all I know is he's a childhood friend about 20 yrs ago and my W found him in FB and start talking with him. He's married and he told my W he's also having difficulties in his married.

[newman7977]

Journaling--

I had dinner with W today even after what happened. She wanted to talk. I said ok so we had dinner. After I found out her meeting with the OM yesterday I told her family this morning.

Her sister talked with her and seemed to knock some sense out of her that D or not the EA has to stop. It seemed that her sister put her down to reality from her fantasyland. W said ok and promise will cut all contact with this OM while she work on us. She emailed him and cc me on it saying its done.

I'm giving her space and right now we decided to sleep in different rooms. I told her to get out of MB and after that I felt bad and told her we will switch off. I don't know how long we will make this sleeping arrangements. We will see family therapist. We are seeing IC now. W diagnosed with severe depression.

I originally kick her out of the house out of my anger in light of yesterday's EA but now looks like we will live in same roof.

Any thoughts on my sitch so far? How do I continue to GAL now that she seem she would work on us? I'll keep my 180s which is to daily spent time at least 30 mins each of my kids after work. I'm also exercising a lot. She told her sister that she sees the changes in me but fear of I'm only using these as tactics.

I feel really good about myself, not the needy, depressed person few months ago. Even my therapist validated that I'm doing the right thing. So props to this site and DR book.

Btw, I gave my wife to read 5LL, is this Ok? I didn't see anything there to see as tactics but I think the book will understand her feelings better.

[Denver_2010]

She had complaints about our relationship but stupid me didn't pay attention. Her complaints was we became distant, didn't do dating like couple would do, I didn't have time for her, didn't talk to her, what else? That's all I remember for now. I really didn't think these were a big deal until the bomb. Oh and she told me I wasn't really a good father. I felt like she blamed me for everything to justify her EA.

Your story sounds very familiar. Very typical on this board. And yes, I'm sure that she was finding anything and everything to validate her EA. That's PART of it. The other part is that she probably did feel those things. She probably was not feeling fulfilled in those areas.

I understand I'm not perfect, and my 180s were focusing on the kids. I'm more involved since the bomb. After reading on this forum I confirmed I was doing the right thing so now I keep working on to be a better dad.

Its hard because one of her complaints were I had a world of my own and did my own stuff during the marriage. So with GALing my fear is that this would confirm her impression of me. Need your thoughts on this.

VERY similar to my own sitch. This can be VERY difficult to balance. Your 180 has to be to be a more involved H. Sharing your life as a H should. BUT, you will also have to use LRT (last resort technique) IF the EA does not end, or if it progresses to PA.

I think my wife is getting the words of affirmation from the guy. It make sense, because it's all text and somehow she fell for it. She says she's in love and he's in love with her. And I finally realized her love language is affirmation and acts of service after reading 5LL.

Well, as with many of us, we wish that we would have educated ourselves with material such as 5LL much earlier, but at least you have the knowledge now. Yes, I'm sure that she is receiving something from OM that was missing in her M to you. If she is willing to end the EA, then you HAVE to figure out how to provide her what she needs to feel loved and to be happy.

Also, to answer a question from your next post, I do think that it is okay that you gave her 5LL if she is receptive to it. It can be pursuing, but, like I said, if she is receptive to working on your M, then I think that it is okay. BUT, under no circumstances to you give her divorce busting materials, or refer her to this site. At least right now.

About the OM, all I know is he's a childhood friend about 20 yrs ago and my W found him in FB and start talking with him. He's married and he told my W he's also having difficulties in his married.

Good info to just sit on right now.

[Denver_2010]

Journaling--

I had dinner with W today even after what happened. She wanted to talk. I said ok so we had dinner. After I found out her meeting with the OM yesterday I told her family this morning.

I did the same, but not with as much luck. My W became livid that I had done this. Although her family did try to talk to her, it was not met with the same reaction that your W had.

W said ok and promise will cut all contact with this OM while she work on us. She emailed him and cc me on it saying its done.

Proceed with EXTREME caution here. OM's are like a drug. I was told this over and over, but did not realize just how true it is. My W was 'done' with OM on at least 3 occasions during our 18 month S. Saying that she is 'done' is much different than actually dealing with unresolved feelings and actually being DONE. Also, don't expect the OM to give up so easily.

Just a word of caution.

I'm giving her space and right now we decided to sleep in different rooms. I told her to get out of MB and after that I felt bad and told her we will switch off. I don't know how long we will make this sleeping arrangements. We will see family therapist. We are seeing IC now. W diagnosed with severe depression.

I originally kick her out of the house out of my anger in light of yesterday's EA but now looks like we will live in same roof.

Any thoughts on my sitch so far? How do I continue to GAL now that she seem she would work on us? I'll keep my 180s which is to daily spent time at least 30 mins each of my kids after work. I'm also exercising a lot.

I would continue working on yourself, becoming a better father, enjoying personal interests, and becoming a better man. BUT, I would also really focus on your 180 of becoming a more involved H, and working on providing your W whatever it is that communicates in HER love language.

^^^ ALL assuming that the EA is over. This strategy changes, IMO, IF she resumes with the OM.

She told her sister that she sees the changes in me but fear of I'm only using these as tactics.

Trust me, getting her to TRUST that the changes are for real, and not just a tactic, is going to take LOTS of TIME.

Consistent actions + sufficient time = Change that your W can trust.

[newman7977]

OK pardon me I'm still learning the forum. Not sure how you put those box quotes.

Yes you're right Denver can't assume OM will give up that easy. He's desperate and keep chasing my W. According to W she stopped for 2 months and then the first email from OM she's hooked again. This is really what ticked me off, all her lies. I even called this A-hole OM left him messages, text, email, and he's got no balls to call me back and face me.

Denver your W did this on at least 3 occasions? Where did you get the strength? Well I guess it's not easy to give up. I also told W the first time this happened it is definitely over. Now that this happened again, I'm still not ending it-don't know I'm so confuse. I also think that maybe this is why she keeps doing it is because she knows I won't end it.

[newman7977]

Journaling,

So today I exercise, ran treadmill for 30mins. I really had to drag myself out of the bed because I'm really down from what happened yesterday. I'm emotionally drained.

Went to work and felt better even happy talking to co-workers. It was still hard to concentrate. Just my emotions are going berserk up and down. W text me and said hope we can work things out. That made me feel good and at the same time still very pissed at her.

Got home after work and spend time with S3, talk with D17, and checked homework of S12. After dinner I'm so down. I know I'm not suppose to show W, but I can't help it. But at least I got to spend time with kids which is my 180.

I wanted answers so I talked to W and ask her why did she lie to me again. How long ago was the first contact again of OM. I was grilling her looking for answers to get me some strength to fight for this marriage. Because yesterday I basically kicked her out and she's ready to look for her place but SIL texted me and ask for me to be patient with W and SIL assured me that W didn't have PA with OM. So from talking with W. W answers really didn't help me feel better so I left MB. The context of our convo was acutally that I told her OM is a bad idea, it's a lie, fantasy and she's potentially putting our family in a harm's way because in reality we don't know this OM.

Actually, that's when I thought of doing some background check on this OM. Does anyone in this forum ever attack the credibility of the OM and told their WAS here's the wrap sheet of your OM? I mean, at least in my sitch it's been 20 yrs ago since W seen this OM during their childhood that's a big timeframe so maybe he's got some F-ups. Maybe if there are F-ups will lift the fog?

Anyways, my mind is going 100 mph right now just thinking of all these things. I need help, some kick in the rear perhaps, and motivation to keep fighting for my marriage because right now I feel like giving up. Everything that is happening right now is really going against my beliefs, affair, breach of trust, deception...these are the foundations of marriage. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Second day not sleeping together. I'm getting MB tonight.

newman.

[Denver_2010]

Denver your W did this on at least 3 occasions? Where did you get the strength? Well I guess it's not easy to give up.

The EASY thing to do is GIVE UP.