You should be able to link back to all of my other threads from there.
I wasn’t going to start another thread yet, because I really don’t have a lot to say or a lot going on. But who knows…things change around here quickly. Maybe I’ll have lots to say tomorrow. LOL
I just got back from a 5 day vacation alone in VA Beach. H didn’t want to go, and it was a free trip, so I went alone…and had a pretty good time. Got to meet up with a DB friend one night and got to walk on the beach on Saturday. I’m glad I went. It’s been a long time since I just did something that big for myself. It was worth it.
I’ve been getting back out a little more too. My friends told me I definitely seem better than I was right after BD. I’ve also been hanging out with another friend who is also a LBS. Her H left her over a year ago. She was one of my rocks when I first found out about OW, and helped me through the first few months. Her daughter is my goddaughter, so being around them is a distraction from everything that is going on. Sadly it’s also a reminder of what I don’t have – a child of my own. That’s too long a story to go into, so I digress…
H is still living at home. He’s still looking for a job, but has some prospects. As far as I know he’s still planning to move out once he finds a job and saves some money. Meanwhile, he’s still being the model husband. We’ve been on “dates” and he still says I love you every morning when I leave. Sometimes I just look at him and shake my head, and think “THIS is my life?”
I’m not sure what is going on with OW and him. I do know he’s not on his phone as much at night as he was. And yes, sometimes I do call him during the times they would normally be talking (early morning, midday, after work), and he’s almost never on the phone. (Thank you Verizon for that handy call waiting tone! LOL)
Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. We still haven’t been intimate since our anniversary. Neither one of us have initiated, so I guess that’s no surprise. I think I’ve fallen into a rut, and haven’t exactly been following Cheryl’s advice to act like his girlfriend.
Sometimes I think what’s the point? He’s leaving anyway. Then I think are you not going to do something because you wonder what reaction you may get? Or are you finally going to be your true, authentic self and just live? So freeing…
Anyway, as I said not much going on. Maybe I do need to get a makeover or something to shake things up for me. I did go shopping for some “things” while I was on my trip. H definitely noticed too! LOL
I decided to go a different route with my thread title. Before I got married, I went through a lot of drama. WAY more than being a LBS will ever be – go figure! Anyway, there were two songs that helped me get through that time period, and that I’m going to start listening to again. They are both by Mary J. Blige. Here they are:
Good Woman Down In my life I've seen It all Now it's time For me To pass On this Knowledge to you All my sisters My troubled sisters This is my Gift to you
Been many days Couldn't take The pain Felt like I should take My life away See it everyday In every other Young sister's face (Young sister's face) See'em cryin' out Life full of doubt Runnin' in the streets No self esteem Thinkin' that Used to be me What a shame
And life Is a mutha It's hard To sit back And see The same thing That happened to me Happen to you This ain't love But here's The love I wanna give to you
It doesn’t Matter what They say or do Don't let'em Get to you Don't be afraid You can, you can You can breakthrough Take what I've been through To see that You can't Hold a good Woman down
Went through The same point Of givin' up I-I felt Like I had enough Went to the edge Of the ledge But I didn't jump "My Life" Will sum it up You can't Hold a good Woman down
When I used to see My daddy beat My mother down Down to her feet I used to say That ain't gon' Never be me (Never be me) Now look at you Bruised up From him Girl recognize You're better than Him tellin' you That he'll never hit You again Girl don't cry
Through your changes I will hold your hand Use my songs As remedies Whenever you're feelin' Down or blue I'll be there for you Trust And know That I've been Where you're at Seen the things That you can see Lookin' at you Resembles me But you gotta Hold your own
Can't hold me Down Can't hold me Down Can't hold me Down Can't hold me Down Can't hold me Down Can't hold me Down You can't hold me
Take Me As I Am She's been down and out She's been wrote about She's been talked about, constantly She's been up and down She's been pushed around But they held her down, NYC She has no regrets She accepts the past All these things they helped make to make she She's been lost and found And she's still around There's a reason for everything
You know I've been holdin on. Try to make me weak, But I still stay strong. Put my life all up in these songs Jus so you can feel me. So you can get the real me
so take me as I am, or have nothing at all. Just take me as I am, or have nothing at all.
Now she's older now Yes, she's wiser now Can't disguise her now She don't need No one tellin her What to do and say No one tellin her Who to be She's on solid ground She's been lost and found Now, she answers to G-O-D And she's confident This is not the end Ask me how I know Cause she is me.
You know I've been holdin on. Try to make me weak, But I still stay strong. Put my life all up in these songs Jus so you can feel me. So you can get the real me
So take me as I am, or have nothing at all. Just take me as I am, or have nothing at all.
So it's all or nothing at all, All or nothing at all Don't you know I can only be me. (I can only be me, yeah)
So take me as I am, or have nothing at all. Just take me as I am, or have nothing at all.
Take me as I am. Take me as I am. Said it's all or nothing at all Said it's all or nothing at all
Just take me as I am, or have nothing at all. (This is me) Just take me as I am, (take me as I am) or have nothing at all. Just take me as I am, (take me as I am) or have nothing, nothing at all. Take me as I am.
I noticed something last night and simply because I have nothing else to write about, I'm journaling about it here.
One of my H's issues (on his long list of things I did wrong) is that I hardly ever kissed or hugged him when he came home from work. It wasn't that I didn't want to. No one in my house kissed or hugged anyone until my brother came along when I was 13, so it's not something I grew up doing or felt comfortable doing really.
Anyway, I started doing this a few months ago. At first he would kind of give me this look like what are you doing? Then the look became the skeptical "Why are you doing it?" look. But he's never pulled away, and has actually kissed me first or stopped what he was doing to kiss me hello. This leads me to last night.
I come home and he's in bed asleep. He hasn't been feeling well (I think it's allergies), and was laying down. I just woke him up to let him know I was home and told him I would let him get some rest. I figured I'd kiss him later when he got up. Well, a little while later he got up to use the bathroom and get a glass of water. So he walks by me going back to lay down, stops in the hallway, turns around and comes to kiss me hello.
I almost cocked my eyebrow at him, but managed to keep my face as neutral as I possibly could. (At least I hope I did) So maybe me stepping out of my comfort zone and doing a 180 is a good thing. Even if our M ends, I will do my best to never hold affection/love from my SO again. Even if it makes me uncomfortable...because doing that is not my authentic self. I know that now. I have all of this love inside and someone's going to get it. LOL
I've got a couple of dogs that are very happy right now.
Ro that was a good message.
Giving affection is hard for me too. I always withheld it on the off chance that it would be rejected. I need to try harder. Thanks!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Some times I think H has changed his mind and really isn't going to leave. But...I know my reality is that he told me he was leaving and hasn't said otherwise. So that's what I need to believe is true.
For those of you who know my sitch, you know that my H started his A through Twitter. He was always on his phone/ipad. I honestly thought nothing of it. Until I found out about the A, and started putting things together.
So after BD, he would still be on his electronics and of course I would say something occasionally, but it just got to be so stupid that I stopped paying it any attention for the most part. I was checking the phone logs online, but that got old too, so I just stopped. I mentioned on here before that the phone/ipad usage has gone WAY down. He's been using the laptop alot, and the history is there for me to look at it if I want to. But I don't. I don't say anything to him about being on his phone.
Lately he's been volunteering to tell me who he's talking to or texting. I don't ask. So here's what happened last night: He had been typing away on his ipad for a while. I noticed but figured he was surfing the net or something. He went out of his way to say, "I'm writing down ideas about my music stuff to talk to friend X about. I just wanted you to know why I was over here doing all of this typing." I just said okay, because I didn't really care. LOL
He NEVER would have done that before. After BD, I found out just how many secrets he had. But lately, he's been an open book. He tells me things without me asking, when in fact, I rarely ask him anything, unless its related to my SS or the house. We still talk and hang out, but I don't really ask him questions about his life.
A friend remarked that my H isn't acting like someone who plans on leaving. I agreed, but said I can only go by what he's said and that is that he is in fact leaving. The friend asked if I think H is leaving because he can't forgive himself for what happened. I said that is probably true on some level, but there's nothing I can do about it. H has to work on his "stuff" just like I've worked on mine.
