IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bond


"if your GOAL is to have your W go out with you for coffee, one on one, what are you going to do to achieve it?"

This is one one of my goals, but at the moment it is at odds with me trying not to be my w's back up. I mentioned that when I was having IC that it was a big deal for me that my W would need to ask me, so I'd know she wanted to be there.

Maybe I need to set something a little smaller as a goal, need to think about that one.

As far as a boundary for not being part of my W's life whilst she is in contact w/ OM, I'm trying to understand what that means in my sitch, still living with my W and my 2 kids.

I've stayed firm about no physical contact, but we still talk about the children and our day and general talking. It's hard for me to be clear as to how I can enforce boundaries concerning with the OM.

Saying I will not be part of my W's life, when I can't really avoid living it in my sitch confuses me as to what else I could be doing.

I do want to try and give M another shot, but the longer this goes on the harder it is getting to maintain this desire to work things out.

I am happy with how things are going in other parts of my life, my next personal goal is to get better at staying in contact with my friends and family, making more of an effort.

I know this is stuff I need to work out for myself, it just makes it easier hearing what other people would and have done in similar sitches.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

Don't beat yourself up mate, it's normal to be up and down with your PMA with everything going on, there is a lot to lose at stake.

Do something for yourself today and post it here.

Bill

[MrBond]

"I mentioned that when I was having IC that it was a big deal for me that my W would need to ask me, so I'd know she wanted to be there."

This isn't going to happen. If you want the M, YOU have to put in the effort for now.

"Maybe I need to set something a little smaller as a goal, need to think about that one."

How many more examples do you need? Everyone has offered suggestions, but you don't want to listen and just want to follow your "plan".

"As far as a boundary for not being part of my W's life whilst she is in contact w/ OM, I'm trying to understand what that means in my sitch, still living with my W and my 2 kids."

Again, how many more examples do you need? Look, you don't have to D your W, you don't have to separate, etc. If there is anything that has to do with the OM, such as bills, time, etc. you don't accomodate. Don't pay for the lessons, don't babysit while she goes out, etc. You've told her you feel disrespected, now act on it.

"I've stayed firm about no physical contact,"

There's no loss for her it seems.

"but we still talk about the children and our day and general talking."

This is fine.

"Saying I will not be part of my W's life, when I can't really avoid living it in my sitch confuses me as to what else I could be doing."

No one said you had to be completely cut out from it.

"I do want to try and give M another shot, but the longer this goes on the harder it is getting to maintain this desire to work things out."

Yes this happens all the time. Basically because you haven't set any goals and have a subconscious timeline.

"it just makes it easier hearing what other people would and have done in similar sitches."

At what point do you stop listening and start doing?

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bond

I'm sorry for being a bit slow on the uptake about boundaries and wanted to say thanks for being patient with me and spelling it out.

" If there is anything that has to do with the OM, such as bills, time, etc. you don't accomodate. Don't pay for the lessons, don't babysit while she goes out, etc. You've told her you feel disrespected, now act on it"

I get it now and thanks for explaining it so clearly.

I can't post anymore right now as I'm in school and about to go back to a class of hyperactive 5 yr olds

[Arsene]

Hey Arsene

Don't beat yourself up mate, it's normal to be up and down with your PMA with everything going on, there is a lot to lose at stake.

Do something for yourself today and post it here.

Bill

Funny you said this. I've been thinking about stuff all day and decided to start doing the things I can do with no money (I'm more than a little short these days - until pay day at the end of the month).

In my early posts I mentioned I'd like to give back to the community around here as a huge 180 (all the years I've been here I never really spent much time with my neighours) and I decided that I could build a playground for the local kids. It just happens that the house I just moved in has a huge back yard but it's filled with rubbish of all sorts (looks like the remains of an old building that's been demolished).

I don't know when I'll be able to buy material to build the playground but I decided to start clearing the rubbish, by hand. Put in an hour today, after my meditation and my hour doing laps at the pool.

It felt great. I haven't done that much physical work since I left the army 25 years ago.

Also, on my way back from work tonight, I dropped by a local cafe and managed to get a gig starting next week. I'm not sure how often I'll be playing but it's an hour per night 9-10. Now I just need to get my repertoire polished up.

Thanks for the support Bill.

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill,

I've not been around much - focussing on career stuff lately, but I check in from time to time.

Mr Bond gave some good advice here. In particular:

"I've stayed firm about no physical contact,"

There's no loss for her it seems.

With women, it's the emotional connection that is important, and this would be 'backed up' with the physical.

I've still be thinking about how to overcome this status quo you have found yourself in, other than moving out and/or not being emotionally involved, I can't think of anything else.

What other goals are you setting for the R?

You sound well otherwise

[breakdownbill]

Hi Yankee

Thanks for keeping an eye on my thread and chipping in here.

I struggled to get my head round some of the things Bond was saying, maybe it was because I didn't want to hear it, or was convinced I'd tried all that I could. I know that I haven't & have a long hard look at myself.

I am happy with some of the progress I've made in other areas of my life, but by and large most of that has just been to 'get back on the horse' so to speak.

I know that I can do more to make a change in my sitch & I have been given lot's of support on here from many people. Everyone on here has something different to offer in terms of advice and experience, but we are all different & sometimes we need to go with our gut.

Last night I thought about what Bond had said and re-read the 2nd & 3rd chapters of DR - Starting with a beginners mind & Knowing what you want.

This has helped me to start writing some goals which I am going to post here, now if I have the time or maybe later on tonight or tomorrow (when I get the chance). I want to carry on reading more of the DR book again tonight as a lot of the messages were missed on me first time round.

I have 4 specific goals ready - with bullet points for each as to how I will achieve them.

As for boundaries, thanks to Bond's suggestion I now know what I could do in regards to dancing & the OM - enforcing this is a sore subject for me, because of how flexible my wife is being accomodating my new ever changing schedule, changing her hours so I can attend UNI or school placements.

I could try to enforce a boundary, saying I won't be here to watch my kids whilst you are dancing with OM, but if I did this my W would not accomodate my changing schedule & I could not rely on others to pick my kids up & mind them without paying for childcare, which I cannot afford right now. I am not going to act on this possible boundary just yet & will post my goals that I want to work towards whilst I am still living with my W and kids.

Goal 1. Communication - I want to be more open, assertive and communicate my day to day and how I feel without worrying about my W's reactions.

Plan for Goal 1

- Initiate conversation after my W is home from work. After dinner I will make a hot drink & start the conversation asking about my W's day & telling her what the kids have done

- then I will share what has happened in my day, discuss any upcoming plans.

- If my W wants to talk I will listen and validate as much as possible.

- I will remain positive during all interactions.

Goal 2. Use my Initiative - I want to be more outgoing, doing things for my W and children, planning through my own inititive - not being asked to do things I know I could be doing and doing them without expectations.

Plan for Goal 2

- Morning time, I will continue to be more considerate to my W of a morning - offering to make tea & breakfast, packed lunch whilst I am making one for the kids anyway.

- I will offer more compliments, genuine ones, when my W has got ready to go somewhere without any asking or hinting for them (pay more attention).

- I will make a to-do-list of things that need doing in the house & try to knock one of them off each month.

- I will clean the car & hoover it once a month, check oil, water & tyre pressure - I will do this with the kids to teach them what I am doing & this will be another sign of showing I am concerned with my W's well being & safety (as I rarely drive the car & it gets her to work & back).

There is more to continue here, will post later - got to go

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Goal 2 plan continued

- I will take more ownership of our finances by drawing up a budget & look for ways to make the money coming in go further for more enjoyable things, such as days / nights out, clothes and hair and beauty treatments.

Goal 3. Organisation - I want to be more organised, manage my time better so I can be available more to my W / family and friends.

Plan for Goal 3

- I will keep on top of my Uni work better by organising my workload and assignments into mini tasks - looking for ways to maximise the use of my time to get them done quickly (especially when I am not with my W and children).
- This can be organised with to-do-lists and targets in my diary. For example, I will finish my introduction to this essay (500 words) by tomorrow

- I will prepare clothes & packed lunches the night before, so we start our day not rushing & I will then have time to make a drink, fix breakfast.

- My goal is to keep 1 full day at the weekend free to spend with my kids & will make it fun with things like going to the local park, movies, museum, visiting friends & family.

- The knock on effect for this is that my W will have the option to join us if she likes, do something in the house, relax or do something for herself. It is also win - win for me as I will get to spend a fun day with my kids every week

Goal 4. Spend time with my Wife alone together outside the house - This could be walks, coffee, shopping, eating out, dancing, movies, days out, breaks.


Plan for goal 4 -
-After monitoring the results of my 1st three goals for say a month or so I will ask my W out for coffee / breakfast on a Saturday or Sunday morning - making all of the arrangements for childcare & where & when.

- I will ask this without fear of rejection & stick with the first 3 goals & leave it another month before asking again if she says no.

I will monitor progress of all 3 primary goals and start a new thread like Zig's for goal setting.

Feel free to chip in with any advice or criticism, I think I can give these 3 goals a real shot whilst I am at home - goal 4 is really just something to aim for in the future.

Thanks Bill

[chatterbug]

a few of the bullets there are looking like your announcing that your still in limbo. Just waiting for the A to end.

I also notice that one of your goals is to reward your wife the morning after her dancing with the OM.

Your actions will speak loud here.

I think your starting to regress. A month ago you decided what you needed to do to move forward. Now it looks like your planning a holding pattern.


You are setting goals to reward your wife to continue having her cake. Serious Bill.. Hair treatments.... Why not emergency funds and barrier fee's

I never understood that smile and treat them like they are the most amazing person in the world when they are disrespecting you.

"Honey you look amazing. I hope you had an amazing time disrespecting the family and hurting me to the core tonight. Breakfast in bed tomorrow ? I have that manicure scheduled for you tomorrow. What oh... Ok I will get it scheduled for Friday afternoon next week."

Come on Bill. Your better than this.

Work on yourself and university. Work on the house and your children. Be polite and civil. But no R talks. No being super upbeat all the time. You will become a gasket ready to explode.

What happened to these goals ?

I want to be a strong role model and great father for my kids.

I want to be a great teacher.

I want to be financially and emotionally independent again.

I want the next chapter of my life to be my best chapter.

I want to be the best ME I can be.

I've got a long way to go on this journey & either way whatever happens between me and my W, I know I'll be OK.

I have to be for my kids and for me.




_________________________________________________________________

Have you truly pulled away?

I think if you follow these current goals that you are just going to get stuck.

Parallel paths.

[Denver_2010]

Yeah... I understand what you are trying to do Bill, but I gotta agree with Chatter. I know that you have been pounded with advice contrary to what you are doing. You may want us to shut up now. Like me, there comes a point when you are going to do what you are going to do. Damned the advice.